finishing line

in this blog, it has almost a hundred posts now and thousands of words...the purpose of it was not at all me...the purpose of it, is for her and the wound she had left me with...every single thing that can be said has already been said...it is really time for it to come to an end...but then it doesnt mean that it is totally gone...i came to understand if i were to continue writing posts so frequently, it will be only harder for me to let it down...

when i went to the temple on sat, i see lots of people who is willing to sit there and listen to the talk, im very curious...there were middle aged people and also young ones...i wonder, what attracted them here and what makes them interested in sitting there for 8 hours listening to buddhism talk...i realised one similarity among them...they look troubled...we are all egoistic human beings...we taught we are everything...when we are in good and happy times, we then had a bloated head and think that we are larger than life and nothing can bring you down and you do not need to care bout anything other than your own happiness and well being...but when something bad hit us hard to the point where you have no solution to it and no one to turn to, then you will be humble and seek for help for the peace of mind from the almighty and the temple or churches or whatever it is...the reason of why they are there and being so patient listening to the talk is that they know they have no other solution and they know that it is a place where they can get peace in mind and heart and from there they had their pillar of strength once again to lean on...and me...i was one of them...

to a point, i felt i was superior compared to them...i do not know why i felt that way but then i couldnt help it...and i felt that they are so naive to seek solutions from the temple or the priests...they think by attending it and listening to them attentively and doing whatever they said will then make their life change 180 degrees and get whatever they wished...to me, i went there because i was troubled but i do know it is not a place of solutions for everything in life...i went there to find peace...peace in heart and mind so that i am able to clear my troubles for a moment and be able to make right and rational decisions....god cannot help you make decisions or do things for you or solve everything for you because it is your life...and problems and obstacles in life is part of your life and it is pre-destinied by god from the day you are born to this world so dont expect that by seeking god's help will get you trough everything...

truths and solutions are always in your hands and right in front of your eyes, all you need is to look properly...im trying really hard to do everything the best i could in the right rational way...i really hope my path ahead will be clearer this way...it is all enough...i really do think what i did for her is more than enough...i know, she knows and god knows that i owe her nothing else and i did my best for her already...it is time to frame it all up deep down in my heart...i will be taking this frame out from time to time to look at but only with a smile on my face...in fact, i should really thank her for giving me such a great time and memories back then...and also because of what happened, it changed me so much and made me who i am today...still...this is gonna be the last time...i love her so much, as much as i could possibly love a person...

free

it was totally a blast yesterday and probably one of the worst day i had in months before...still, i did not give up things that needs to be done today, eventhough it was so hard, i hanged on to what i was doing...i spent my day doing what i would usually have my full concentration to it, cooking...no doubt that in between, there were pauses where i felt like my heart is doing multiple sommersaults within...i pressed on, continue doing what i am doing....in the end, everything turned out the way it should be and in fact i finished much faster and better then any of the times before...the mood to eat is just not there....but well, at least my family appreciated them...within me, boredom took over me almost from the start of my day but after dinner, unexpectedly i had plans to at least hang out with my friends...and while i was driving i reviewed those things i read in the book, even you feel sad, as long as you are willing to carve that smile to your face regardless how hard is it and as long as you made an effort to it, the pain will somehow be lifted bit by bit...

it is very true that no matter what promises made, no matter what is said or no matter what she is doing or going to do has nothing to with me at all, not even a bit of it concerns me and anything about me has nothing to do with her as well and she too is never gonna know whats happening and how am i feeling right now...she is in her own path with her own life and me with my own....i tried to somehow linked mine to her all these while, but then it never work even once...so actually, if i were to continue dwelling in the past, probably there is going to be no end to it and i am never going to be happy and never going to truly move on with my life, ever....letting go, forget everything, keep everything that has anything to do with her within, embrace those happy moments but yet remembering the pain it brought can actually make me feel so free like never before...actually, that test i had gone through yesterday is not over yet and today, i think i didnt fail that test, in fact, i know im moving much closer to getting full marks, its just a matter of time and the practice of mind....but yes....i will never forget you....

trigger

my day today is similar to having a walk in one of the former battlefields where hidden bombs are buried underneath and every step of mine could be the last...all these while i had been trying so hard...i taught everything were slowing down already...in fact it did...but the news today hit me so hard where from that second where that sentence registered in my head, my heart were pounding so hard till now...anything but this...i already let go of most of the things, trying to have a life of mine once again just like 3 years ago but this news today was just the trigger of everything where every single thing i tried to lock away just exploded all over my mind...i dont know what will be next, i do not have the power over what is next and i dont wanna know as well...and right now at this moment, i just hope that she has everything that she has been asking for and even though its stupid but i still do want her to be happy in any way possible...its a great test today on how far am i...and i failed but i didnt fail as bad as i did months ago...i will hang on no matter how hard it is gonna be but then if shes down there for me, eventhough it might be a sea of flames, i am going to willingly enter it...i still trust that god has great plans for me...

hen or egg first?

there is alot of things in our lives that cannot be explained and has no answer to it no matter how you were to twist and turn the matter...the question of whichever comes first or which was the cause of what comes next can go on endlessly...i came to realize that in looking at a certain matter especially when problems or obstacles in life arises, we often seek for the cause of it, the problem and try to solve the problem...but when it comes to matters which can be very complicated such as relationships between family, love and even friends we sometimes are unable to find the way out just like i do...it is because that the root of the problem cannot be found therefore there is no direct remedy to it...till an hour ago, i realised that whatever happened 8 months ago, i do not truly know what was the cause of it and which comes after which...was the bond between us changed at first? was the lack of time for her the cause? was the lacking of communication be the start of the problem? or was it that the presence of someone else the trigger to all these? i really cant tell and it is just like the hen or egg first question....no answer to it....stability of mind constantly is not easy to achieve, but trying and practicing it would still benefit you...

strange...

such a strange feeling i had today...the feeling of loneliness, emptiness is not there anymore but the feeling of insufficient time is there, for the first time i had felt that time is too short for me, time is not enough for me to be around with people whom i used to spend my time with...i guess this is another chapter of life...in order to move on to the next stage, certain things needs to be left behind in order to make space for new things to come...i really have no idea where i would end up in a year's time but then i definately will have a life more to myself and not living for others anymore...

everyone around me is able to find their happiness and their goals in life which i am very very happy about...and looking at them makes me wonder, how would mine be and when would it come to me? my goal and my dream never changed since i was 14 and although to some people it seemed childish but then, to me, although it might seem simple...it is not necessarily easy to secure that dream...and i dont even know whether that dream are able to realize in my chapters of life...but im sure im not gonna be anywhere too far away from it...appreciate precious moments with the ones dearly to you is my short term goal now or else, i wouldnt know when would the next chance be...cheers to you guys~~~!

love ultimatum

love and trust, it comes together and it cannot be separated...here is a story of the betrayal of both...

this young couple, shaun and michelle has dated each other since high school and eventually, as time goes by, they moved to college and then entered the working life...michelle is just an ordinary girl, working as a manager in a small restaurant and shaun is a chef in a 5 star hotel...all these while, they had been through so many hard times together and together they fought through so many crisis in terms of their relationship, family and friends...their love for each other has come to a state where an understanding occur between the both of them as there is no need for words or actions to tell that they love and need each other, they just know it in their hearts...no matter what hit them, their relationshis were unharmed, hearts so strongly bound together...

one day, as shaun fetches michelle home after dinner, he told her a news which he was very excited and happy about...he said, "i received an offer to go to france to move on further in my career and this is definately a golden oppurtunity where i just cannot miss"...michelle replied, "i...see...but wouldnt there be any room for further advancement of your career here?, are you really willing to leave everything behind?"...shaun quickly intercepts, "of course the outcome of it would be very different if i were to go to france and i was expecting you to come with me and besides you, basically theres nothing much that is holding me back"...michelle then said, " but...its so sudden...going to france with you means i would be leaving behind my job, family and friends here...and...i think i really need time to think about it...but its not that i does not want to go with you, its just, there is complications to it that needs meticulous consideration"... the conversation between that night ended there...

in the end, out of sudden change in plan, shaun need to leave next week or the deal will be off and michelle still couldnt make any solid decision yet and as time pushes in to the limit, shaun then decided to give michelle the remaining time to think about the decision carefully and he would be waiting for her in the airport on that dat and he was sure that michelle's decision was to go with him...as that awaited day came by...shaun was eagerly waiting for michelle...and here she is, tapping his his shoulder from his back...she was lost for words when he turned and looked at her... and all he sees is tears...she couldnt say anything buy crying, helding a glass bottle containing hundreds of cranes and each of it containing her wishes for him...in the end, as it is time for shaun to board the plane...all michelle said to shaun is, "best wishes from me to you, always..." and in shaun went after kissing her on her forehead...

after shaun reaches france, he was so into his work and carreer and he had almost no time to even contact her in any way except a few emails in a year...each day, michelle is missing shaun, hoping shaun would understand and wishes that he has everything he was after...true enough, shaun was a person who takes on his career seriously and love was secondary to him...

after 5 long years, michelle is still missing shaun dearly each day...re-reading his previous mails over and over again, it has been a whole year now that shaun did not send her a word at all...one day, she was walking around the mall and he saw a guy which looks like shaun from the back...she taught that it is impossible to be him...but curiosity drove her forward and have a better look....surprisingly, it was really shaun....and...he was not alone...he was with someone else...michelle asked him whether they can have a talk together....and shaun agreed...

after shaun told her what actually happened, michelle was once again lost with words...she stood up and walked away....tears rolling down her cheek, her heart was being pierced of thousand of needles...the truth is that before shaun left for france, he already had an affair with this girl...but then, all the thing he went through with michelle couldnt be forgotten therefore he made his decision to accept the offer to france just to give this relationship another chance to start all over again in the new environment...but as michelle did not agree to go with him...in the end, it was the girl that went with him and the fact that they had been together for 5 years now and this time the purpose of coming back here is that they are getting married...

so, this is where the story ends...from this story...all i can see is that love, relationship, memories all consists of lies...in this world, how many can actually find true love and true happiness?...how can we actually have faith in love as there is nothing there that is worth our faith and hope?...i would never know how my story would end and all i could do is just hope that it doesnt end this way...

where i am?

during these 4 days break...it was so boring, not much progress on the work that is supposed to be done...trying to find activities and plans everyday...till today, its the last day of break and after today, its gonna be straight all the way till finals...today was supposed to be fun, i taught...but at the end of it, i realised that i am not myself...totally not myself at all!...im going through each day and doing things that i makes me such a different person than i was...all these while, i knew i changed alot...i taught that change is normal and that change is for the good...it is true that now, i miss lesser things around me than before...but i had also came to realise, i had changed in every possible way...

till today, i found that all these changes, is transforming me to such a different person and it is getting me out of the right track...even me myself, i am worried about all these changes that had taken place...i need to stop all these...search for my true self once again...or else, i really have no idea of where i could end up in when i couldnt stop it anymore...

stillness of mind

alot of events has taken place today...and a long nice ride on the streets is just absolutely great as always...i always tell myself and others that who i am now is someone much better than who i were before this...but then, there are certain things that i really need to work on, something that is literally hard to change...people change for many reasons and in terms of temper, i need to find just the right source for that change...

the emptiness is within me, conquering me since yesterday...i think when we least expect something, it will come to it, its more like a cycle whereby if you chase profusely after it, the distance of you and the thing that you were chasing did not close in abit but if you were to expect less and be stationary, things that you werent expecting will come from your back just like a total cycle...

once again, i see something in someone today which i did not expect i would...but this time, i took control of the situation, i knew that stillness of mind is essential to keep myself out of trouble...which in the end, turns out to be much more rewarding...maybe this is life afterall...if we are able to think and act as rationally as we can all the time, our paths will be much more easier that way...tonight, the fog has cleared abit and i can see my vision ahead and what must and needs to be done...until the next storm hits, i shall just take advantage of this clear sky tonight...

i still believes that happiness will somehow find its way to me...a way or another, its just a matter of time...faith in myself is what i really need...determination and patience is also essential for everything that i hoped for to realize...well, at last, 2 steps back but at least, now, its 1 step forward...

needs to slow down

recently, so many events were going on, things coming in and out...and again, my ability of handling and taking things are challenged once again and today, i evaluated myself and i find, i am putting myself much higher than i was supposed to be and the way i take things is just too loosely and again i had repeated the mistake i made half a year ago...i am going at a very fast pace and which it is definately a very bad sign and it is time to slow down...reinstate my way of thinking and taking things before i lose myself again...

hapiness is really something that comes to you but not asked...so im wondering, when will that day come...hahaha...days are happier than before...which is definately a great sign...

messages from the soul

is it possible that we are constantly receiving messages from our inner self or soul? research has shown that yes, each day when we are sleeping, averagely we will be having a dream in 90 minutes so if we were to sleep for 8 hours a day, most probably we will be having 5 dreams per night...but what is and why do we dream?

according to a research done why a metaphysics institute, dreams is a form of communication from our inner self and soul to our awakened state in the form of scenes which might or not relate to our lives...it is believed that our inner self and soul has existed for thousands of years until our present life and it has knowledge and truths beyond our imaginations and so far none of the scientists are able to prove of how true is this ability of human beings in receving messages and knowledge from our souls...

i dreamt about her again, before this, i taught that dreaming about her is just a mere cause of anxiety and nothing more...but i was really curious till i searched for the reasons that why human beings dream while sleeping and what it means...in a way, the report that i read, sounds so ridiculous...but then, if my soul within me is trying to indicate and acknowledge me about something, then the next question to me is when will that happen...each and every dream i had about her from the beginning was, she came back to me, we chose to forget everything that happened and start anew...its all the same, just that it is in different scenes...is my soul trying to tell me that it can happen one day, all i had to do now is do what needs to be done at this point of life the best i could...i dont really know...i believed the report because, it adds seeds of hope in me...