finishing line

in this blog, it has almost a hundred posts now and thousands of words...the purpose of it was not at all me...the purpose of it, is for her and the wound she had left me with...every single thing that can be said has already been said...it is really time for it to come to an end...but then it doesnt mean that it is totally gone...i came to understand if i were to continue writing posts so frequently, it will be only harder for me to let it down...

when i went to the temple on sat, i see lots of people who is willing to sit there and listen to the talk, im very curious...there were middle aged people and also young ones...i wonder, what attracted them here and what makes them interested in sitting there for 8 hours listening to buddhism talk...i realised one similarity among them...they look troubled...we are all egoistic human beings...we taught we are everything...when we are in good and happy times, we then had a bloated head and think that we are larger than life and nothing can bring you down and you do not need to care bout anything other than your own happiness and well being...but when something bad hit us hard to the point where you have no solution to it and no one to turn to, then you will be humble and seek for help for the peace of mind from the almighty and the temple or churches or whatever it is...the reason of why they are there and being so patient listening to the talk is that they know they have no other solution and they know that it is a place where they can get peace in mind and heart and from there they had their pillar of strength once again to lean on...and me...i was one of them...

to a point, i felt i was superior compared to them...i do not know why i felt that way but then i couldnt help it...and i felt that they are so naive to seek solutions from the temple or the priests...they think by attending it and listening to them attentively and doing whatever they said will then make their life change 180 degrees and get whatever they wished...to me, i went there because i was troubled but i do know it is not a place of solutions for everything in life...i went there to find peace...peace in heart and mind so that i am able to clear my troubles for a moment and be able to make right and rational decisions....god cannot help you make decisions or do things for you or solve everything for you because it is your life...and problems and obstacles in life is part of your life and it is pre-destinied by god from the day you are born to this world so dont expect that by seeking god's help will get you trough everything...

truths and solutions are always in your hands and right in front of your eyes, all you need is to look properly...im trying really hard to do everything the best i could in the right rational way...i really hope my path ahead will be clearer this way...it is all enough...i really do think what i did for her is more than enough...i know, she knows and god knows that i owe her nothing else and i did my best for her already...it is time to frame it all up deep down in my heart...i will be taking this frame out from time to time to look at but only with a smile on my face...in fact, i should really thank her for giving me such a great time and memories back then...and also because of what happened, it changed me so much and made me who i am today...still...this is gonna be the last time...i love her so much, as much as i could possibly love a person...

free

it was totally a blast yesterday and probably one of the worst day i had in months before...still, i did not give up things that needs to be done today, eventhough it was so hard, i hanged on to what i was doing...i spent my day doing what i would usually have my full concentration to it, cooking...no doubt that in between, there were pauses where i felt like my heart is doing multiple sommersaults within...i pressed on, continue doing what i am doing....in the end, everything turned out the way it should be and in fact i finished much faster and better then any of the times before...the mood to eat is just not there....but well, at least my family appreciated them...within me, boredom took over me almost from the start of my day but after dinner, unexpectedly i had plans to at least hang out with my friends...and while i was driving i reviewed those things i read in the book, even you feel sad, as long as you are willing to carve that smile to your face regardless how hard is it and as long as you made an effort to it, the pain will somehow be lifted bit by bit...

it is very true that no matter what promises made, no matter what is said or no matter what she is doing or going to do has nothing to with me at all, not even a bit of it concerns me and anything about me has nothing to do with her as well and she too is never gonna know whats happening and how am i feeling right now...she is in her own path with her own life and me with my own....i tried to somehow linked mine to her all these while, but then it never work even once...so actually, if i were to continue dwelling in the past, probably there is going to be no end to it and i am never going to be happy and never going to truly move on with my life, ever....letting go, forget everything, keep everything that has anything to do with her within, embrace those happy moments but yet remembering the pain it brought can actually make me feel so free like never before...actually, that test i had gone through yesterday is not over yet and today, i think i didnt fail that test, in fact, i know im moving much closer to getting full marks, its just a matter of time and the practice of mind....but yes....i will never forget you....

trigger

my day today is similar to having a walk in one of the former battlefields where hidden bombs are buried underneath and every step of mine could be the last...all these while i had been trying so hard...i taught everything were slowing down already...in fact it did...but the news today hit me so hard where from that second where that sentence registered in my head, my heart were pounding so hard till now...anything but this...i already let go of most of the things, trying to have a life of mine once again just like 3 years ago but this news today was just the trigger of everything where every single thing i tried to lock away just exploded all over my mind...i dont know what will be next, i do not have the power over what is next and i dont wanna know as well...and right now at this moment, i just hope that she has everything that she has been asking for and even though its stupid but i still do want her to be happy in any way possible...its a great test today on how far am i...and i failed but i didnt fail as bad as i did months ago...i will hang on no matter how hard it is gonna be but then if shes down there for me, eventhough it might be a sea of flames, i am going to willingly enter it...i still trust that god has great plans for me...

hen or egg first?

there is alot of things in our lives that cannot be explained and has no answer to it no matter how you were to twist and turn the matter...the question of whichever comes first or which was the cause of what comes next can go on endlessly...i came to realize that in looking at a certain matter especially when problems or obstacles in life arises, we often seek for the cause of it, the problem and try to solve the problem...but when it comes to matters which can be very complicated such as relationships between family, love and even friends we sometimes are unable to find the way out just like i do...it is because that the root of the problem cannot be found therefore there is no direct remedy to it...till an hour ago, i realised that whatever happened 8 months ago, i do not truly know what was the cause of it and which comes after which...was the bond between us changed at first? was the lack of time for her the cause? was the lacking of communication be the start of the problem? or was it that the presence of someone else the trigger to all these? i really cant tell and it is just like the hen or egg first question....no answer to it....stability of mind constantly is not easy to achieve, but trying and practicing it would still benefit you...

strange...

such a strange feeling i had today...the feeling of loneliness, emptiness is not there anymore but the feeling of insufficient time is there, for the first time i had felt that time is too short for me, time is not enough for me to be around with people whom i used to spend my time with...i guess this is another chapter of life...in order to move on to the next stage, certain things needs to be left behind in order to make space for new things to come...i really have no idea where i would end up in a year's time but then i definately will have a life more to myself and not living for others anymore...

everyone around me is able to find their happiness and their goals in life which i am very very happy about...and looking at them makes me wonder, how would mine be and when would it come to me? my goal and my dream never changed since i was 14 and although to some people it seemed childish but then, to me, although it might seem simple...it is not necessarily easy to secure that dream...and i dont even know whether that dream are able to realize in my chapters of life...but im sure im not gonna be anywhere too far away from it...appreciate precious moments with the ones dearly to you is my short term goal now or else, i wouldnt know when would the next chance be...cheers to you guys~~~!

love ultimatum

love and trust, it comes together and it cannot be separated...here is a story of the betrayal of both...

this young couple, shaun and michelle has dated each other since high school and eventually, as time goes by, they moved to college and then entered the working life...michelle is just an ordinary girl, working as a manager in a small restaurant and shaun is a chef in a 5 star hotel...all these while, they had been through so many hard times together and together they fought through so many crisis in terms of their relationship, family and friends...their love for each other has come to a state where an understanding occur between the both of them as there is no need for words or actions to tell that they love and need each other, they just know it in their hearts...no matter what hit them, their relationshis were unharmed, hearts so strongly bound together...

one day, as shaun fetches michelle home after dinner, he told her a news which he was very excited and happy about...he said, "i received an offer to go to france to move on further in my career and this is definately a golden oppurtunity where i just cannot miss"...michelle replied, "i...see...but wouldnt there be any room for further advancement of your career here?, are you really willing to leave everything behind?"...shaun quickly intercepts, "of course the outcome of it would be very different if i were to go to france and i was expecting you to come with me and besides you, basically theres nothing much that is holding me back"...michelle then said, " but...its so sudden...going to france with you means i would be leaving behind my job, family and friends here...and...i think i really need time to think about it...but its not that i does not want to go with you, its just, there is complications to it that needs meticulous consideration"... the conversation between that night ended there...

in the end, out of sudden change in plan, shaun need to leave next week or the deal will be off and michelle still couldnt make any solid decision yet and as time pushes in to the limit, shaun then decided to give michelle the remaining time to think about the decision carefully and he would be waiting for her in the airport on that dat and he was sure that michelle's decision was to go with him...as that awaited day came by...shaun was eagerly waiting for michelle...and here she is, tapping his his shoulder from his back...she was lost for words when he turned and looked at her... and all he sees is tears...she couldnt say anything buy crying, helding a glass bottle containing hundreds of cranes and each of it containing her wishes for him...in the end, as it is time for shaun to board the plane...all michelle said to shaun is, "best wishes from me to you, always..." and in shaun went after kissing her on her forehead...

after shaun reaches france, he was so into his work and carreer and he had almost no time to even contact her in any way except a few emails in a year...each day, michelle is missing shaun, hoping shaun would understand and wishes that he has everything he was after...true enough, shaun was a person who takes on his career seriously and love was secondary to him...

after 5 long years, michelle is still missing shaun dearly each day...re-reading his previous mails over and over again, it has been a whole year now that shaun did not send her a word at all...one day, she was walking around the mall and he saw a guy which looks like shaun from the back...she taught that it is impossible to be him...but curiosity drove her forward and have a better look....surprisingly, it was really shaun....and...he was not alone...he was with someone else...michelle asked him whether they can have a talk together....and shaun agreed...

after shaun told her what actually happened, michelle was once again lost with words...she stood up and walked away....tears rolling down her cheek, her heart was being pierced of thousand of needles...the truth is that before shaun left for france, he already had an affair with this girl...but then, all the thing he went through with michelle couldnt be forgotten therefore he made his decision to accept the offer to france just to give this relationship another chance to start all over again in the new environment...but as michelle did not agree to go with him...in the end, it was the girl that went with him and the fact that they had been together for 5 years now and this time the purpose of coming back here is that they are getting married...

so, this is where the story ends...from this story...all i can see is that love, relationship, memories all consists of lies...in this world, how many can actually find true love and true happiness?...how can we actually have faith in love as there is nothing there that is worth our faith and hope?...i would never know how my story would end and all i could do is just hope that it doesnt end this way...

where i am?

during these 4 days break...it was so boring, not much progress on the work that is supposed to be done...trying to find activities and plans everyday...till today, its the last day of break and after today, its gonna be straight all the way till finals...today was supposed to be fun, i taught...but at the end of it, i realised that i am not myself...totally not myself at all!...im going through each day and doing things that i makes me such a different person than i was...all these while, i knew i changed alot...i taught that change is normal and that change is for the good...it is true that now, i miss lesser things around me than before...but i had also came to realise, i had changed in every possible way...

till today, i found that all these changes, is transforming me to such a different person and it is getting me out of the right track...even me myself, i am worried about all these changes that had taken place...i need to stop all these...search for my true self once again...or else, i really have no idea of where i could end up in when i couldnt stop it anymore...

stillness of mind

alot of events has taken place today...and a long nice ride on the streets is just absolutely great as always...i always tell myself and others that who i am now is someone much better than who i were before this...but then, there are certain things that i really need to work on, something that is literally hard to change...people change for many reasons and in terms of temper, i need to find just the right source for that change...

the emptiness is within me, conquering me since yesterday...i think when we least expect something, it will come to it, its more like a cycle whereby if you chase profusely after it, the distance of you and the thing that you were chasing did not close in abit but if you were to expect less and be stationary, things that you werent expecting will come from your back just like a total cycle...

once again, i see something in someone today which i did not expect i would...but this time, i took control of the situation, i knew that stillness of mind is essential to keep myself out of trouble...which in the end, turns out to be much more rewarding...maybe this is life afterall...if we are able to think and act as rationally as we can all the time, our paths will be much more easier that way...tonight, the fog has cleared abit and i can see my vision ahead and what must and needs to be done...until the next storm hits, i shall just take advantage of this clear sky tonight...

i still believes that happiness will somehow find its way to me...a way or another, its just a matter of time...faith in myself is what i really need...determination and patience is also essential for everything that i hoped for to realize...well, at last, 2 steps back but at least, now, its 1 step forward...

needs to slow down

recently, so many events were going on, things coming in and out...and again, my ability of handling and taking things are challenged once again and today, i evaluated myself and i find, i am putting myself much higher than i was supposed to be and the way i take things is just too loosely and again i had repeated the mistake i made half a year ago...i am going at a very fast pace and which it is definately a very bad sign and it is time to slow down...reinstate my way of thinking and taking things before i lose myself again...

hapiness is really something that comes to you but not asked...so im wondering, when will that day come...hahaha...days are happier than before...which is definately a great sign...

messages from the soul

is it possible that we are constantly receiving messages from our inner self or soul? research has shown that yes, each day when we are sleeping, averagely we will be having a dream in 90 minutes so if we were to sleep for 8 hours a day, most probably we will be having 5 dreams per night...but what is and why do we dream?

according to a research done why a metaphysics institute, dreams is a form of communication from our inner self and soul to our awakened state in the form of scenes which might or not relate to our lives...it is believed that our inner self and soul has existed for thousands of years until our present life and it has knowledge and truths beyond our imaginations and so far none of the scientists are able to prove of how true is this ability of human beings in receving messages and knowledge from our souls...

i dreamt about her again, before this, i taught that dreaming about her is just a mere cause of anxiety and nothing more...but i was really curious till i searched for the reasons that why human beings dream while sleeping and what it means...in a way, the report that i read, sounds so ridiculous...but then, if my soul within me is trying to indicate and acknowledge me about something, then the next question to me is when will that happen...each and every dream i had about her from the beginning was, she came back to me, we chose to forget everything that happened and start anew...its all the same, just that it is in different scenes...is my soul trying to tell me that it can happen one day, all i had to do now is do what needs to be done at this point of life the best i could...i dont really know...i believed the report because, it adds seeds of hope in me...

how about fairy tales this time?

lets change a view for a bit this time...fairy tales, and my tales...i just realised that on my shelf of books, i can actually see the progress of my life from young...even when i was very young, i am always fascinated with fairy tales, magic, mystical creatures, something out of this world that dont exist, something extraordinary which only appears in dreams and your wildest imaginations...from enid blyton to msytery stories, from mystery stories to harry potter and all sorts of story books that has something to do with dragons, magical world and a world that can never exist...

and with this, i have tried searching for an answer of any research or surveys online regarding what kind of a person i am by judging from the books i read or i like, but so far none...but then one thing is sure, i like to be different, i like to know something that is bizarre even they dont exist, something that you can never believe like magic, and things which is mysterious where i can never rest till i find out what the truth is...little did i know about what happy endings are like, therefore, to a certain point of age, im very curious about what it is all about, finally, i got a taste of it, but yet, never truly able to experience it to the full length...the search continues, desperate to know and to find out, believing that anything is possible, everything can end like a fairy tale...then, after once, after twice, after third time, i finally found it...and from there, i got to learn and know what love is all about and i taught, it is not that hard after all, everything is within my control...but then i had also came to know that, nothing is that simple, afterall i was just being too naive...

sometimes, when people talked to me about it, not one word is taken in...maybe it was because, during and after the whole process, i had came to know too many truths, too many theories about all these...and not one of it has not been used as an immediate antidote to make me feel better but none of it so far has lasted long...none is an eternal remedy where it can take it all off in just one swing...

what is the happiness of life is all about? what is the fun and the purpose of life afterall?...its so subjective and debatable...and yet, each angle of its subjectivity has the angle of truth within it...

unexpected gains

today, the sky is really so clear, and the night does not seem to be as dark as it supposed to be...i wonder why...but i aint searching for an answer scientifically, but an answer which only has its truth for me...to me, tonight, something is telling me that, even as dark as the night can be, there are days where it is much darker and days which are much clearer, just, like today...everything and every cycle in life has its ups and downs...

feeling such pain within, i taught it was going to be such a bad and long night with works to be done...well, something unexpected happened...i watched a clip, a 3 minutes clip...it was a clip where such a sweet song were playing and pictures of a couple were playing...that song and the pictures were sweet, but to me, so painful, each tune of the music, each word heard, each scene of the clip just slices through my heart...all i wanted to do is just go home, get back to my room...

i sat there, wondering, 10 years down my journey of life, where would i be, who would i be and how things are going to be like for me at that time...then i realised, love, is really just a chapter of life, yes!, it is essential, it is a must have it in our lives, to fill in the gaps in our lives...although it might take a large portion to certain people,even to me...but tonight, for that moment, i am able to gain an insight of understanding and seeing that other things in life might not mean so much but that is when i looked at 1 thing, but when various essential parts in our lives are put together, it actually takes a much larger portion than love and family itself....without them, there is no place for the existance of love and family...somehow, a way or another, tonight's gain from the insight i had had put me slightly back to the track, and i know what i should do for right now at least....

to get to wherever i would be in the future, it all depends on my doings now...we really do not know what will come next but i can be quite sure, i can be as happy as the couple in the clip if not happier...and the couple, which happens to be someone close...someone whom i really wanted to be all these while...

incomparable

the trip to cameron was such a boring one, if it wasnt for the strawberries and the weather, its a waste of time going there...well, this trip, reminds me of so many things, reminds me so much of her...

this trip does not at all feels the same as i would last time...there is a huge gap within my heart when i was there, i couldnt really feel the fun at all...as usual, my phone was not as busy as it was...seeing so many things to buy, happiness was washed away as soon as it came, who can i buy those things for? those things i was looking at and interested in was all the things that SHE loves, i like them because SHE likes them...in the end, i just walked away, buying nothing at all and ended up receiving blasts in my heart and i kept telling myself that it is ok, everything is over and everything will be alright but in the end, nothing seems to be right for me...each and every place i went in cameron, i had a feeling, a strange feeling, i remembered that she went there with her family last year, so, each place i went to, i was imagining, how she reacted and how happy she was when she was last in that particular place...i had such a short memory power, things i read, things i learnt, things i encountered, will not be able to stay for more than a week or so but anything related to her is like carved within me, cannot be erased...

i really do miss her alot even now, 8 months closing in, still, i couldnt say that my love for her has depleted even a bit...she is just someone irreplaceable, impossible to find someone like her ever again...now matter how my heartbreaks, i will still be here, till god knows when, missing her, thinking of her, hoping and wishing that everything goes well for her...

question answered

the question that arises a week ago already have an answer, that was not even a path, or an exit through the recovery process...to me, i think it is just a stepping stone to move a little further as i am way before schedule...here i am, back to square one but this time, the edges are way stronger...and now, so far, for the second time i have realised, no one is able to replace her position, no one is able to offer what she gave me back then...the path to serenity is getting really really near...i can see it, and the next few finishing steps, i cant afford any mistakes...i wonder, what will it be, to be totally out of this...im sure it really feels good...^^

deux ans

2 years, is neither a short time nor as long as it sounds...but 730 days is quite a number of days, within those 730 days, there were sweeteness, bitterness and sometimes sour as well...the decision made definately moved me forward...just sometimes, when certain things encountered which relates to her, i couldnt help but to think back, it puts a smile on my face, although the pain it usually causes is already starting to get numb but yet, it still twitches...

today, tonight, i was thinking, imagining, what if one day in near future, she was single once again, and i were to go after her, the proper way, everything is restarted, we get to know each other once again from zero.......i really wonder, how would it be, how would i feel and what will be my mood at that particular time...i just couldnt imagine how happy i would be if that happens...hoping is what keeps us going, although things might not always turn out to be the way we want or expect it to but then, it is that hope that will just improve things bit by bit...but we never know until we get there...

i will be right infront, looking back at those memories, keeping that little hope within me that you would come calling for me from the back once again, helding out your hand, reaching mine...i will be who i am, persue my dreams, awaiting, for an unfinished story....je t'aime pour toujours, magdeline tan jia wen...

it is a process

everything that happens in our lives, things got on and off our lives, people that appeared and walked out of our lives is all a process of living life...sadness had to be fought through to know what happiness is all about...to appreciate happiness we had, we had to find it during the hard times...

no matter what, we have to be brave...we cannot forever dwell in our dreams...we can refresh all the bad times over and over again...but one day, we still have to get up and walk on...move on...i cant say that i have fully walked through it...but i took out all the courage i had...i stepped out of it...and all i find, is a whole new world, a whole new discovery of myself...

maybe i wasnt ready for all this yet...not now at least...if i were to get into it again...everything will be given and everything will be offered...in the end, i will only live for others, lose out on my own life...so? what will i get at the end of it?....basically, nothing much....i dont want that to happen anymore...i will have a life about only me, myself and i...but the memories of her remains...just...a mere memory...unforgetable....cannot be erased...

embracing the beauty of the past

i guess most of you out there who gave in everything for love agree with me that the most beautiful love is when you embrace all the sweet and good memories and forget the bad ones even when it is all over...i did not think i would get to this point in saying these...all i wanted to do before this is to live in the past, hide in the shadows but then when i started to step out of it slowly, i see that, the view from the front, looking back, embracing the past, is the most beautiful angle of viewing it...

missing what you had back there is definately normal but to know whether you truly understand the cause and effect of the whole incident is when you look back at it, it puts a smile on your face, missing it, but not wanting or forcing it back anymore...what was in the past, will never come back...but whether or not it will continue, no one knows, but to allow that chance and the possibility of it happening, is to first let it go...

you gave me the happiest memories and times i ever had in my whole entire 20 years of life...and thinking of your face will always put that smile on my face, that one and only unique smile...i miss you...and all i want now is you having everything you wanted and living a happier life than i do...i will always be here, praying for you, stand by you, no matter what comes next...this promise, will never fade...

lightened path

first of all, i really wanna thank you for your words of wisdom, nick...thanks alot bro...i have not logged into my account for a few days in a row already but today, when i saw those words, i could just say, yes! those words lightened my path even more... its better to have disappoinments in life rather than not live it at all and without hope, there is no life...

i used the word life and live loosely in my posts, but the truth is, i can never really define or tell what life is all about and what is the right way to live our lives...i guess, no one in this world are able to have the definition to it...

my heart has lighten so much these 3 days...i truly do not know what destiny will bring next...and once again...i felt something special, my heart finally beats again...the burden behind my back has lighten so much, and i never felt so alive for months...each day right now, i felt the happiness and every laughter of mine comes right from the heart...looks like, whatever you guys has been telling me for the past 7 months is nothing but the truth, well, i really do have to apologise as my vision was fogged by so many things, so many illusions of the past, and you really have to get there to see and feel how is it like to be there, and now, i see clearer than ever before...

theres a question in my heart which im desperately searching for an answer to it...i really wonder, is the the right path, the right exit to all these or is this a game, something that needs to be repeated on me so i could understand and learn further? i really want to know...i know this is not the right time and i guess the best thing to do now is to keep the stillness of mind no matter what happens, this is the only way to protect myself...

meanings of our lives are searched

i taught that after she had left, i would never find fun and excitement in my life in near future...i have almost no interest towards anyone or anything at all, and everyday, im just doing things for the sake of doing it and nothing more...

the meanings and excitements in our lives dont just pop up out of a sudden but must be discovered by our own through long journeys which sometimes might contain sorrows and pain...but be less assured, happiness can be found if you WANT to find it...and it will come to you if you believe the truth of it once more...nothing is certain yet nothing is impossible...

what more could i have asked? well, higher hopes will only brings deeper disappointments...

nothing much

it was the first day of the final term...time really does fly, for people who dont realise this, they probably had wasted lots of their precious time, just like me...days goes by one after another, but then to me, hmmm, i didnt seem to have moved as far as i should with time...everything is happening too fast and during the period where i couldnt adapt to the change, i stopped there but time did not stop along with me...so, if i were to continue to waste each and every of my day this way, i will most probably end up with nothing at the end of my life...

it is time to really fight for what i wanted all these while and now the time is here...right when i step into the college area, i knew, no matter how painful or hard this is going to be, i had to give in my very best shot, or else, everything will be too late and i will definately regret if i dont...

i had so much to share, but then i guess every single person around me had enough of this...so....lets put on the shields and armour...here we go...the final showdown to see how much do i truly worth...

never mine

happiness wont come by force...so, no matter how i want it to stay, it wont...from day one, i never truly had her heart, but when the time where i truly own her heart, i never appreciate it, and in the end, when i no longer have a stand in her heart, i forced my position to be maintained there...

right now, i really cant see the point of all these...life is just all about twisting around...you can never know when is the next sharp turn ahead...whether your ready or not, life goes on...

i have no option right now, but the only option i had now is to live with those memories she left me with, although there would be no continuation to it but at least she did not take all those memories away from me...although its not going to be enough to fill that empty space, but at least theres something there rather than nothing at all...

cold hilltop

theres a limit to how much emotions we can hold within us...theres alot of factors that affect our emotions...to me, not one second, not one thing, not one word that i say or anything i see or hear that i cannot relate it to her...i forced myself to let go, forced myself to leave the path, tried so hard to draw the line between me and her...but thus far, i didnt really make any progress at all...

each day, all that i feel is just like me sitting on top of a cold hilltop alone, overlooking those memories from the top, tears rolling down my cheek, gazing at the moon, praying hard for her, missing her...

1001 words

in this blog, to this date, there are more than 1001 words that had been written to describe every single thing to emotions and to incidents that happened 7 months ago till today...so much had been described, so much had been written down, they often say words never fails to express emotions, but then, to me, today, right now, i just feel that words had failed me and i dont know how to describe anymore already with words...what can be put into words has been already been put into words, till now, i can say nothing more to express how am i feeling right now at this moment...

theres not one thing i do in my life right now that doesnt remind me of her...how am i to go on like this? till when can i go on like this? i really cant help myself, i really cant move on no matter how long it is from now or how hard i am going to try...those times will never ever come back...but i wont leave this path...never...

empty, empty, empty...

driving down each and every road,
theres not one second your not in my mind,
theres not one place that dont reminds me of you,
everything has been done,
every effort has been taken,
still, i couldnt get you out of my heart,
till now, all i know is not matter what,
your existance in my heart can never be diminished...

each day im living in dreams,
dreams made up by you and me,
and all im doing each day,
is, loving you,
loving you through every bit of memories you had left me with...

the door

i couldnt help but feel emptier as days goes by...every single day when i opened my eyes, my heart felt so empty, basically, during this holidays, i have nothing to look forward to and when that happens, i tend to put the scene back to half a year ago, imagining how fun and how fast this holiday period will end with all those plans with her...every single thing that is bothering me is the same as half a year ago, everyday, the fear gets stronger and stronger, it is the fear of losing someone dearly to you, it has already happened but then, in my heart, she never left...

you brought me to this path,
now, your the one who left this path,
leaving me, alone, right at the spot where you left me,
without you, i couldnt find the exit to all these,
without you, everything is blurred,
without you, i couldnt even see whats ahead of me,
and there i am, just like a boat, without a navigator,
lost...
puzzled...
all these never kill me,
floating...
exactly like a boat,
in the middle of nowhere, constantly hit by waves,
it almost sink each time, but with just an inch away,
it still survived till today,
awaiting to be saved, awaiting for you...

exceeding limits?

everyone has different perceptions about certain things...that is why, each person is unique and are made up in different complicated combinations...to others, i am only a person who is weak, unable to move on, being stupid and torturing myself and people around me...to me, i find nothing wrong with my perception and my principles of life...

YES, it is true, all those words that they said is so true...but that doesnt mean, my perception is wrong and its not like im being stubborn or anything, its just, to me, i doesnt seem wrong...till this very second my decision is final, i still miss her, i still love her and i still want her back and im willing to take everything and anything from her and what she can offer and i will give her everything i had if she were to come back to me and my answer is always yes and its final...

as proven, many will not agree with what i have decided but then, my biggest enemy is emotions...i can conquer myself, change myself in terms of attitude and other things about myself, i can change it all, but i cannot help being conquered by emotions...to me, shes an angel, shes the person i ever want, no matter what the consequences will be, im willing to face it, with just one request, her coming back...and im quite sure that for years to come, my birthday wishes will be her coming back to hold my hands once again, share and continue what is unfinished...5 years, isnt too hard than it sounds...

dream realized in dream

i slept for 14hours...i didnt want to get up...i was so darn tired yesterday night, missing her greatly at the same time, i was hoping and imagining, how comfortable and happy i would be if shes right beside me, watching me sleep...

i knew that tonight's dream, i will be seeing her...true enough, i dreamt about her, everything seemed so real, i was half awake, with my consciousness, im aware of every single detail in the dream i had, and it didnt seem like a dream to me, as partially, im in total control of myself and my doings and i even remembered each and every word i said in the dream...she came back to me, apologised, and told me that i was the one who she truly needed and love, she told me she was never as happy with him compared to the time we were together...i went around town, everything is so damn real, i felt so happy, even i got up in the middle of the night to turn the aircond off cuz it was too cold, i was conscious and i fell back to the same spot of the dream where i left it minutes ago and i was aware that, this is all a dream, i was aware that if i were to get up now, it will all be gone...

but in the end, the scenes all changed, someone hit me and ran away, i was so in rage, i went after that guy, chasing him, cursing him, wanting so badly to catch him and wack him up, in the end, i caught up to him and i hit him, but in the end, i was the one badly beaten, to that moment, i dont feel the pain, but amazingly, i was aware of whats going on in the dream, i knew this is a dream so no matter what i do, i will get away with it...at that moment where i fell on the floor, badly beaten up, i told myself, time to get up and true enough, the next second, i was awake, lying on my bed, looking at the fan spinning on top...it was a dream come true, in my dreams...i didnt want to get up, but i think for whatever reason i had this dream, something is telling me, giving me hints through the scenes at the end of the dream...i came to understand that, yes, when we lose something so important to us, we will definately do whatever it takes to chase it back, get it back, and during the chase, we tend to think that if im able to catch up, everything will change and be back to the way it is, but then, it is not always that way, sometimes, even we are able to get back what we have lost, after all, it might not be something that we truly want....while chasing that guy in the dream, i wanted to beat him up so badly, but then, when i caught him, it was the other way round...

i was such in a bad mood, all i wanted to do was to lie down there for the rest of the day doing nothing...the feeling of being with her is so close, so real as though its really happening and the amazing thing about it is that im aware of it! this is the first time ever for having a dream where im in control of myself and aware of every single thing that happened in it...in the end, i got up, telling myself, i had this dream for a reason...god is trying to hint me something...and i think i got it...that is why, no matter how much pain i had to suit my emotions to the reality once again, i will have to face it...well, we shall see how this day will end...

p.s my heart will forever be partially owned by you, baby, i love you

cure?

these few days during the holidays, i have been feeling extremely lonely...it wasnt because im too free of anything, but maybe i was out of attention...if had classes, i would be around with friends and at least, there were people to talk to me, people to share laughter with but not after the holidays have started...

since monday, my phone was never as busy as it was before...and since monday, for god knows how many times i tried to look at my phone, browsing my list of contacts, trying to find someone i could sms or call but i can find none...each time i put the phone back down, i so wished that it would rang the next second, but it never happened...

people kept telling me that there i really should let go, i must stop roaming in the past, i must walk out of the circle no matter how hard it is...and we have to go through pain to be fully cured...but i really have no idea of how much pain i had gone through, yet, im still stucked there, moving nowhere...i am so tired of forcing myself and pushing myself further to the limit...whats the use of pushing myself where in the end, i came back to where i started...from now on, i will not force myself anymore, i wont try my best to walk out of this, i will just let things be as it is, if i were to continue being trapped in the past, so be it, if i were to really walk out of this and being able to put down things, then i would be happy to start all over again...

im missing her so much...but how would she know? im still struggling here, how would she know about this? im starting to feel that the reason that she is not replying my mails might be because she doesnt wanna hurt me anymore, but then, how would she know that what she is doing is hurting me less if not more?

inter-related

these two days is the worst within these few months...my mood couldnt get any worse and it feels like the time during my previous holidays after my training...alot of things come back, more and more each day and one taught linked to another...

i really couldnt believe that i would come to this day...what about all those things we had back there? its all gone!!! i can never retrieve them back...im starting to doubt whether i will truly recover and start anew...

i felt like eating chocolates after dinner, i took them out, looking at it, flashes shot my mind...i dont wanna eat them, i wanna keep them, but then when i checked the expiry date, i realised that if i dont eat it now, its gonna end up in the bin next...i know certain things will keep moving on...but i just cant help missing her...every second of it...every second of it makes me misses her more and more, as every second ticks off, i would imagine how were things like and how would things be if we were still together today, right now, at this very second...everything would be so perfect...

being defeated or facing any difficulties in life is not as worse as going through all these and seeing the person you cared and love most walk out of your life and all you can do is watch her walk further and further away, out-of-your-life....

circles

i just realised that all these while, its all illusion that im getting better and moving forward...all these while, everything and all the efforts i took and all the advises i obtained from everyone around me only expanded the circle im in...all these while im still trapped in this circle, never to truly obtain happiness, never really left all those pain, all those emotion swings... the amount of pain within this circle did increase a little but one thing is sure, i felt better by day is just because this circle has expanded through time, but im still in there...i taught things slowly faded away, but then, actually, the increased space within this circle is the reason im feeling less painful, and things hit me less frequently, cuz there were more space for all these emotion thingy to move around before it hits me again...i dont know how long it would take me to break free from this circle...to be myself once again...

holidays is here once again, i were craving for it...but then, its the 5th day already...i had done nothing and my emotions are out of control...i got through each day by creating different endings for myself...the ending of all these and who would i become after all these...i wonder which ending will be mine....

again and again..

watching the drama, the path and scenes about the couple in it is more or less like my own, a mirror to myself...nothing is certain in this world...you can never know what comes next...when problems occur, it is always problems that shakes a relationship, always problems, not problem...it is always made up of a series of events before it poses a threat to the relationship...

they waited, missed the chance of being together, in the end, they really got together, but then, a series of events happened, bringing them further apart...the closer they tried to get to each other, the futher they are to each other...in the end, it is always one party that continues to hurt the other person over and over again...one time after another, leaving the other person alone to rot, to perish again and again...

scenes after scenes, incidents after incidents, the girl keep doing things, making decisions to hurt the guy, yet, the guy kept forgiving her regardless of what she had done to hurt him, in the end, shes marrying someone else instead of him, he tried to bring her back with everything he had, but as things cannot be turned around, he knew he had to let go, till that moment, i can truly understands how he felt when she told him hes marrying someone else and in the end, he still decides to congratulate them whole heartedly, even his heart is so broken....

but life is very unpredictable...how far is the distance between the ground and the sky? can you actually touch and feel the sky? how far is the distance from east to west? there are lots of uncertainties, how can you actually know the distance between the ground and the sky as you cannot feel and touch the sky? how can you actually find out the distance from east to west as you when the world is a sphere...in the end, they still got back together, but then things doesnt happen in a sudden, there were also a series of events bringing them back together...

im wondering, will the same ending happen to me as well? will all the things i had done pay off one day...will i be able to claim back what is rightfully mine? i guess what is yours will be yours in the end, forcing it would never last...where are you? how are you? what are you doing? im desperate to know...but i guess, i would never know...letting things free from the tight grasp and let things develop freely might be a way to end all these quickly...

both once, alone now

whatever that has to do with any emotion feelings, its really very complicated, well, as thats because i cant understand it truly or take control of it...today, i really feel so tired loving her...yes, so tired loving her...although we had come to this state, till today, i still do love her alot and its really tiring to go through the pain every single day from time to time...

the feeling of being alone, with no one to report to, with no one to miss you, i just couldnt get used to it...im really wondering, if one day i could have the chance of getting back to her in a way or another, and if im given that chance, i wont set it loose ever again...

i just came back from singapore...i was all excited because i taught i can enjoy myself and be happy for the day but along the way, i just kept thinking of her, thinking how would she love this and that...i were in the chocolate shop, it was her favourite! i really taught of buying it, for her...but then, whats the point? i couldnt even give it to her...seeing people along the way, walking and talking so lovingly just makes me so jealous...i once had everything i ever wanted, and i taught i had nothing to lose and i will never lose...the fact is that whenever you think that your sky high, that is where you tend to slowly come down to ground...looking at the cable car just made me taught of the promise i made to her to bring her to the eye of malaysia during her birthday last year but then, i am never going to have that chance ever again....

all those words said, all those promises made...it cannot be forgotten, i cannot be erased, i tried to held it hard, but then, it kept slipping off through the cracks of my fingers just like particles of sand, losing it bit by bit...im so afraid that i will one day forget all those things i had with her...that is why, i tend to remind myself of what happened back there....it hurts tremendously, yet im willing to refresh myself of all those memories hoping that those times, words, promises we made to each other will forever be with me, regardless of whats coming next in the future...we never know what are we going to be like in the next 5 years, but then, living today and what you do today determines what you become next...

is the 5 years vow stupid?

4 months back, i vowed that i will never get in a relationship with anyone no matter what unless that person is her...back then, the vow is so solid and i knew that im sure to fulfill it...when time slowly goes by...things started to go back to normal...things started to come back to me...i got back to most of my senses...thinking back about all the things i had done, i felt stupid and embarrassed in front of my family and friends...and to those whom i told them about the vow i made...they said im stupid and its not going to happen, its impossible, they kept saying that i needed more time and this vow would be meaningless and they say no one are able to fulfill any vow of such...

i really think i can fulfill it...i really want to let her and everyone know, im different from any others...i want to let her know that im able to fulfill most of my promises to her....i do not know what can i do right now to make myself better other than seeking relieveness by writing it all out in this blog...well after all, she was the purpose of this blog created...

its my choice

things were so screwed up today, mostly everything went wrong...i couldnt find my friend's camera in the morning, having bad headache, my cake screwed up, i was late for badminton, i had even more headache, i was late meeting my friend, i ffk my friend for the second time, i forgot i had something to do tmr and i promised my friend to attend some gathering...what the hell is wrong?

i went to cheras today, to meet my old friend...the moment i reached the toll, everything started to come back, along the way and throughout the time i was on the road, everything in the past was like a flash player...flashes after flashes of her came to picture in my mind one after another...seriously, this is the worst so far...even the previous time i went back there, it wasnt this bad...i seriously had the whole 2 yrs of memories coming back to me for that 4 hours....how can i forget? it has been 7 months already...but then, all those memories i had in the area i went is just craved too deep within me, i was unable to even fight it abit and i just dropped to my knees...alot of things has changed in the area, the houses, the roads, shops and almost everything...and some of them, which i had deep memories of is no longer there...the only thing that hasnt change is me, and my feelings...the same heart broken feeling....the same feelings i had back then whenever i head down to her house...the eagerness of seeing that smile of hers still exists even though its not gonna happen anymore...but what can i bloody do?...she was my choice...i had no one to blame but myself...this is all the consequences of the chosen path that is a must to go through right now...i really wanna leave this place for good and really persue my dream...if i were to stay, its going to be damn hard to achieve what i want...i just hope all my plans works well and i can get out of here for good...and find a brand new life in a brand new place...but then, till now, im still willing to give up every single thing i had now in return of her coming back to me...anything at all...in this world, there is only one person whom i will do anything for at any cost is her, magdeline tan jia wen...and no one else...i dont know when or even whether it will change...but i just really want her to know and see, she is missing out something that really does mean something to her...i just want her to really see what are my feelings for her...BUT SHE WILL NEVER KNOW AND FIND OUT!!! THATS THE SOLID FACT!!!I WILL NEVER EVER MEAN ANYTHING TO HER EVER AGAIN!!!

its my fault

it came, i struggled through each day of it and at last it ended yesterday...the exams for term 5 is finally over, all of us are looking forward to the upcoming 2 weeks holidays where at last, all of us are able to get some rest and feel slightly relieved...

it was kinda stupid night yesterday where it was supposed to be a de-stress session but then it ended up adding more stress to me...but then, at least all of us had fun...but then, i did not truly enjoyed it as i taught i would...i dont know why...it seems that somehow in a way or another, something is missing...nothing to do with anyone or anything, but i just couldnt figure out whats missing there in between...i did all my part as a friend to all of them who came over to my house...and yeah, i do hope all of them are always happy like they seemed to be yesterday...so, at the end of it, what cheered me up was seeing them be happy...

till today, it has been 3 weeks already ever since i received any emails from her...i really wonder, i really wanna know why till today im still being treated as such, as something without any value or importance to her at all...maybe all these while the reason of me going through all these is that it was my fault to love all her wrong doings and faults...isnt that how it is supposed to be when you love someone? arent we supposed to love all the good and bad attributes of a person we truly love? is the only way out to all these and the only way to find all the answers to my questions is to seek it in a new relationship? im doubting it as we never know until we get there...

i shall let go on what has built between us...cuz i know all these while that its only one hand trying to clap...but no matter what, i still wish to see the both of you being able to clap joyfully...cheers to all my friends, thanks for being there for me...anything for you all...

enexpected calls

strangely, today, i received so many unexpected calls and msges from friends nearby to friend whos hundred thousands of miles away...sadly, i do not know what happened to me...something is wrong when i tried to talk to them...i feel something missing there...it has nothing to do with them...but its me...i used to be a good persuader, someone good to talk to when troubled, but it seems that i no longer have the ability of lending an ear and a hand through words to those who seek it...i really want to know why...

i tend to feel and be care-less about myself and the life im having now...i no longer a person who stands firm on my grounds with my own perspective and my own way of doing things, all i does now is just go with the flow...follow suit with what everyone else says or do...i agree with everything others say...maybe its this change in the way i see things and the way i think now made me lose the ability to guide others anymore...because i had nothing great and im in no position to help them or to hear them out as even my own problems, im unable to solve it, all i do is just run away from it, try not to look at it if i can help it...

still, there is some good perspectives towards this change in me...not all is bad, at least, i had more friends that i ever taught i would have...but what if im able to keep all these good attributes but at the same time have my own personality like before...everday life is to revise yourself, to race and compete with yourself so as day to day, you are a better person than you were yesterday...

more to come?

well well well, at long last, tmr is the last day of term 5...the week seemed to feel like months...2 more papers and we are done...we are already planning what are we going to do after the exam tmr and during the holidays...i cant wait for it...the stress mode has somehow lifted...but yet, i still cant afford to make any silly mistakes as it is very costly...but then, now for the 3rd time and still counting, i felt joy and happiness, things are just perfect today...being around with all my friends, i just couldnt feel more wanted and filled with joy and laughter....i really hope this goes on and more and more days filled with true joy till i am unable to count and keep track anymore...but then, sometimes, even when we are happy, we need to look back at the past so that we are able to see how far had we gone forward...

i had dream to chase, a path to walk on and the search of fairy tales continues....

what a pity...

when i had my breakfast this morning, i was glancing at the newspaper and i saw something that ruined my mood for the morning...a 16 year old girl, lai ying xin is abducted, strangled and partially burnt to death...she was bright, beautiful, and generous...i wonder what had she done to deserve such fate...is it that nowadays people just lost their humanity? what the hell is wrong with them....

then my friend msged me, telling me that his 98yr old grandma just passed away yesterday...well, just hope that she left without any pain...

i went to central today, missing the seat, the food and the drinks in strudels, kl sentral...its not that the food is great or anything...its just...something made it special, something made me wanna go back there again and find the feeling that it once brought...that was the last place i went with her...and im quite sure that is going to be the last place i ever go with her....but then, it shocked me, the shop has closed down...i still remember that it was opened 2 years back...when they were renovating the place, i already promised her to bring her there to have apple strudels...but i never brought her there until the day we came back to langkawi...but now, i taught i am able to find back those moments, those feelings there....but looks like im never going to have that chance anymore...everything is lost...nothing can be done...it is just an arrangement of GOD...to make me go down there just to find that it has closed down...but i knew, no matter what, i had to hang on...no matter how harsh the situation is, i cannot fall...there is no allowance for me to make mistakes anymore cuz i had used it all up...i never wanna hurt anyone around me ever again...

well, this just adds to the collection of the regrets in my life....

depletion

thank god, the exam wasnt as bad as i taught it would be...and yeah, luck was there right beside me when im doing the exam...although it wasnt good but then i think its already the best i could possibly do...

when i came back, lying on my bed trying to rest, i looked at the lotion bottle just right beside my bed...it was a birthday gift from her...all these while, i never had the heart to use it, and the reason i put it beside my bed is because, it makes me feel that shes close all the time...but then as everything changed, i refused to move it away...in fact i refused to change one single thing that is related to me and her whether it is on my computer, wallet and everything...cuz to me, i dont want anything to change and i cant find a reason for me to change it anyhow...looking at the lotion, i realised that the volume has gone down, i never used it but yet, the volume decreased...of course it would, it has already been there for a year now...at the moment, i see that once again, with or without you realising it, with or without your approval, with or without your willingness to accept the fact, things around us will continue to change and develop...she might have moved on pretty far from the spot i last knew she was at, but being so naive, till today, i still taught and assume shes still there at the right spot where i last seen her, assuming everything will be the same in a way or another...how long it would take me to grow up and stop being naive? well, destiny awaits...

lucky

i have been lucky all my life...ever since i existed in this world...on the year that i was born, my family shifted to new house, bought new car...i often get the things that i wanted without fail with a way or another...till the day i went to kindergarden, i had all the things...

primary school, i went to the so called good school without any difficulty comapred to my brother's time...i suck in studies, im good for nothing and i never managed to pass my mathematics most of the time, but in the end, when i was standard 4, everything changed, my teacher changed everything, and ever since, my studying history did a sommersault, same goes to standard 5 and then 6, UPSR, no one in my family ever dreamt that i could even get 2As but miraculously, i got 4, its nothing great to brag about but to my family and friends, it was a shock, but to me, it was all luck, luck has been with me all these while...

Secondary school, again, i got in to the so called good school without any difficulties whereby others were trying to change from other schools to mine...again, my results were never good...year by year i got through it each time barely passing...form 3 came...i tried my best, i didnt want to be left out, all my other friends were so good, they were in the first class and all...and PMR will decide whether they will be even further from me or a chance to be closer to them as they are definately going to be in the science classes, i struggled hard, in the end, again, none of my family members would never guessed that i would get such results, i was someone who needs scolding each time during exams unlike my brother and sister, again, luck was with me, i got closer to my friends...and since then, everything kept changing for the better, my results never got this good, form 5 came...although with struggles along the way, luck came by once again to get me through this one more time, i still remember, one week before my SPM, i was studying hard, but theres too much to study, i put those books all away, i closed my eyes and i hoped, i wished that luck will once again help me get through this one more time as this is going to be the last time i will need luck the most in my life, i wished so hard! and once again, LUCK came by, i did the exams fairly well....in the end, the results were a little disappointing to me but its good enough...

college time...without me realising, till today, i find that even during my college times, each time i had exams, luck never didnt leave after all...guiding me through each exam, building my confidence, each time i scraped off fairly well...each time during exams when i tried to study, miraculously, my mind is so flexible, whatever i read, most of it went in to my head...

i just couldnt believe how much luck i had all these years...even the person who reads my palm asked me, do i have people to help me all the time to achieve what i had today? i cant reli recall who did, but then, i think luck was the one who has been my best friend aiding me each time when i had difficulties and help me achive what i want to achieve, realizing my dreams, bringing me to the right path, saved me from hot situations, leading me towards a good life till now...i had so much more compared to my siblings...i really hope that luck will continue to stand by me no matter what happens...cuz no matter how good we are, all the time, 5% of what we does, is LUCK...and i definately say that that 5% helped me alot....throughout these years, i realised one thing, when we are arrogant about something we are good at, we tend to lose them as fast as we had them...maybe it is that arrogance that drives luck away....

well...no matter what, no matter how i wished...nothing can bring back the things that are most precious to me and it will remain as greatest regret of my life...even giving up everything wont be able to turn time around and re-do what has happened...i do miss her alot...i bet she dont even have me in her mind at all right now...but then, this burden is way too hard to be lifted...

pls luck...i cant afford to lose this time...not even one paper...lead me through...i need each and every mark...i dont want to have an additonal collection to the regrets in my life...

everything counts

its a good start off today...but then tmr will be disastrous....FRENCH!!...im just not up to this no matter what, its not my thing...i really wanna give up on this...headache is killing me, the flu is irritating me...yet i cant take the medicine...but no matter what i know i had to go on, i cannot afford to let go even one subject, cuz at the end, it all counts and i dont want to lose that chance again like i did...

people often says that when they are in bad conditions, they will tend to review the good times in the past...i feel so lonely right now, no one to care, no one to ask whats going on, no one to accompany me...im missing the 2 hours of talking on the phone every single day that i used to have...whenever im sick, i will have someone pampering me, be there for me and cheer for me...but now, of all the time, why this week? haih....i just hope that this week quickly ends....but then....even after the exams, i still have loads of things to do and complete before the final term starts...life is never easy....so for those who is very relaxing at the moment, enjoy while you can...haha

got over it?

i just couldnt believe how time flies...its the end of the term, again...i so wanted to study, i so wanted to concentrate...but i just couldnt...from yesterday morning till now...i tried to study and concentrate but nothing goes in...each time i picked the notes up and read them, yes i am reading them but then, my mind was thinking bout something else...my mind kept going back to the flashes of the previous term and worse still, its mid autumn festival today, and those events that happened last year was so deeply carved into my heart where i kept having flashes of them repeatedly...i do not know how many repeats i would need to go through to be able to truly get over it...where everything that happens is just a mere memory, nothing else...

its 14th today...for the past 2 years, when this day of the month arrives, i always feel strange as though i had forgotten something, and most of the time i couldnt figure out whats missing...well today, i do...i still remember, 4 years back, the number 14 means alot to me especially on the 14th of june, the 14th of nov and the 14th of july...it was a special, magical number to me at that time...between me and someone who shared something precious and special with me and it is also someone that i had forgotten and even ignored for the past 2 years...and today, i truly know what i feels to get over someone and certain things...

when will be the next post on the 6th of the month? i can never tell....

the story of the left hand and a hard lived man

im quite sure that theres alot of people out there who heard or read the story of the left hand...if you dont...heres a preface...for those who is right handed, left hand to you is only a sidekick, your right hand does all the job, all the precision and had all the strength compared to your left...all left hand does is the dirty job, helping and coordinating with the right hand and it usually has more scars and cuts than the right...despite being the one behind the screen, left hand still never fails to do its job but all the credit, goes to the right hand as we receive prizes, throphies and even certificates with the right hand...

now, a story of a man who has nothing in his life since young, he has to work hard to earn a living and he has gone through so many hardships life could possibly bring....he has struggled so many years, yet, the day he died, he had nothing but a body full of scars, a heart full of regrets and sorrows...but at least, he is strong physically or mentally, as he is trained in harsh situations throughout his whole life...

what can you see in these two stories?

to me, i only see one similarity, everything is fated, from the day you have decided to have your right hand to be the primary one, the left hand will face the fate of being second forever...same goes to the man, from the day he is born, his destiny has already been decided...no matter how hard he worked, he cannot run or change his fate...even from our own body, we are able to find and understand slightly a little more about life....its a long journey, it takes a lifetime to understand and learn, but even a lifetime is not sufficient...

it can be DIfferENt

its the SECOND time now....i feel joy in my heart once again today...i couldnt believe how things falls into place once again....every single thing that i was worrying about is not an issue anymore....its a day full of satisfaction...great exam, satisfactory marks, conflicts gone, quarrels solved, friends came back, good comments from chef, everything was good....how much better can it possibly get? i just couldnt believe that i could really feel that joy for the second time now...all these while i taught i would never be able to feel happy for a very very long time near future...but then, everything can be done....everything can be different as long as we have decided to want things to be different...how much have i grown? to me, i think i really had grown alot within this year...all that im hoping now is that this situation could stay a little longer before it takes its change once again...just some extra time to be relaxed and time to be prepared for the next change...god is watching over me...everyone around me is as well...thank you all.

the beautiful skies

nothing much about today...just like any other days...there were lots of flashes of the trip to langkawi...somehow, a way or another, it kinda played the scenes of the entire trip from the start of my day...the skies were cloudless and so blue, the sea was refreshing, the wind that blows by the seaside is just so soothing, bringing calm to your entire body, mind and soul...even the sun which is usually hot is warm during that time...i never felt so happy and relaxed in my entire life...but somehow, it wasnt perfect, it is almost perfect, because there is fear within, wanting the time would stop right there for eternity...

during that time, i taught of this and i said this to her...if it wasnt because of the problems and the breakup of the relationship, this trip wouldnt be as fun and as perfect as this with no quarrels and everything was just at its right place...but it has also became something that we both know we will regret for the rest of our lives at that particular time, even today, to me...it has to end...the tree is already dead...but the core of it is still there, still within me...awaiting to be awakened...i wonder, whats next?

a wish within

If i look up at the rainbow, i always sees you...
Theres always seven colors...
Now, i do not see seven colors anymore...
Only mist, and fog...
As time passes by, the world around me changes...
No matter where i search for you within my heart...
You're nowhere to be found...

So I closed my heart, and opened my eyes...
I need to know, If i were to gaze up the sky again...
Will things be different this time?...
Maybe if I were to wish harder, the mist and fog will be cleared...
So i prayed, screaming that wish within my heart and soul...


When you lose one thing...
You gain another, dont you?...
But no matter what, things still confuses us at the end...
And I shall continue looking for the right path of my life...

I miss you, even till this very second...
I do not know how long this will continue...
I do not know whether if I were to gaze at the sky once more, the rainbow I knew will re-appear...
I shall wish, wish and wish for that day to realize...

wealthy

one of my friends called me the day before yesterday to ask me how am i doing lately...i told him i was doing fine and better since he last saw me...but i also told him that emotions and memories still comes back at a certain time of the day...my weekend was really so full...im out the whole day and i did so many things yesterday...

i went to college, went to pastry pro with my friends, played badminton, went for dinner with my parents and then head to the cafe to yam cha with my friends...everything was really good but theres one thing that made me feel uneasy...when i was heading back to klang, i stopped at the traffic light in front of summit, as usual, it takes a few rounds of green before i can exit to the highway, it was a rainy day yesterday, looking at the grey cloudy sky, i realised, no matter how full, busy, enjoying and happy my day is, theres always something missing at the end of it...i remembered very well that before this, at that particular time on every sat, i would just have fetched her home after an outing and at this particular traffic light i would definately call her and talked to her till im out in the highway and happily heading to the badminton court and calling her to tell her i already reached safely...not anymore, i had no one to call anymore in my call list...

what it means by being poor to you? is it that you do not have any money left in your pocket and you couldnt even afford a meal? is that being poor? what if you are rich, you live and eat luxuriously every single day but no one is sitting with you on that dinner table with you? both scenarios has its own side...but to me, i will definately choose to be poor in terms of money but wealthy in terms of love and care...

everything comes from and returns to dust eventually, live a carefree life and learning to let go certain things might lead you to a better and happier life...

nothing to lose

each and every person is unique in their own way...most of the time, when you make friends, especially friends that you are able to get along with or close with will only get closer by time...but not all the time, there is always exceptions...

funny on how things can happen...but i think if you had done what you could and what you should and when you dont feel any guilt when you touch your heart then it is enough...god knows, and you yourself know...because with guilt free conscience, you have nothing to lose...

fearful nights

feelings grow over time...if nothing major goes wrong in any relationship between people, the bond created will only be stronger by time...same goes to the relationship between family members, between friends, between lovers...i can never blame anyone except myself for every single thing that happened...sometimes, the strongest bond between all relationships is friendship...it hardly depletes although you dont see your friends for years or even talk for that matter...too much has happened recently, it is almost like what happens in dramas...in the end, when you least expect it to happen, it happens...i had done what i could...seriously...i dare touch my heart and say, i had done every single thing the best i could for my friends...but in the end, it still comes to this point...i have nothing to say...and from now on, i couldnt do anything anymore...maybe leaving everything behind is the best option i had...starting all over again...in a brand new place...

does anyone out there knows how lonely a person can possibly feel? i cant say i have been through it all...but i know how it feels when you are starting to lose every single person around you...your friends are tired of your petty stories, your family already done whatever they could, you cant sleep although your tired, your afraid to close your eyes cuz what you see is endless darkness...in the end, you do go to sleep, but all you had is nightmares, not just nightmare but nightmares...ever experienced having multiple similar nightmares in every 2 hours when you sleep? the dream is all the same...people betray you, people leave you no matter what you do or beg, at the end of it, you in nowhere, alone...and you get up from it, looked around you, its all pitched dark, with no one beside you, with no one you can call in your phone book....you went back to sleep and the cycle happened over and over again...i had been through that moments for 3 months back there...i remember theres one night i had 4 nightmares in a row in every 1 hour...its nothing about resting, its about having flashes of what you feared most in your life...and now, its coming back...i feel so lonely and empty even when im standing in a place so crowded with people, all you wanna do is just run away, you dont wanna care about one single thing anymore but just end everything...leave everything behind...i wanna stop this feeling ever coming back...but i just dont know what i can do...

happy ending

sometimes when we look back...there are lots of regrets in our lives...we feel sad, we wished we could turn back time, we wished that we could have a second chance, we wished we had the opportunity but then it is all these regrets from the past makes our lives the way it is today, in a way or another, a unique path of life of our very own...10 or 20 years down the road, it is all going to be all these regrets that we embrace and remembers it till the day we leave everything behind that is going to perfect our lives ahead, pictures and lessons that we have been through to be able to cope with matters in life ahead of us, a way to tell ourselves, appreciate what we have and what we are about to have...

happy ending only appears in the fairy tales...they are told to those who were young, but why? yes, it makes them happy but it definately gives them the wrong idea of what real life is all about...those happy ending stories are all lies...every matter has both sides, even this....if those kids were never been told all these fake fairy tales stories, when they meet obstacles and difficulties in life, they never truly learn...

same thing goes to love and relationships, forever love does not exist!...be realistic...how can you forever love a person where you yourself could not even live forever...yet, there are ways where you are able to do that, but only partially of what it really is...sometimes, it is also because of us being naive when we truly felt and know what love is all about at the beginning of our lives, when we lose it, then we are able to know and learn how it goes and it prepares us for a journey far ahead that takes a lifetime if not forever...

appreciate

whenever i see or hear about stories where 2 people who loves each other is forcefully seperated either by parents or even taken away by death, i wonder how pain would that feel? is that pain as painful or even more painful that what i had been feeling? i really want to know...alot of people told me that those feeling are even worse than what i felt...i dont believe them...because, at the very least, no matter what happened, they are able to tell themselves that the other half is still waiting, still loving, still caring and still crying for them...and i still think that crying yourself where the other person dont give a damn is even more hurtful than anything...

theres this phrase where the old folks used to say, when you lose something and got it back after some struggle, you tend to appreciate it more than anything before that...it is true!...because the moment you lost it, you will get to know how important it is to you and how much it means to you...and when you are given a second chance to rewind things, you will know the right thing to do and appreciate...at this hour, i couldnt help but wish that i could have that second chance to appreciate what i had lost...i just hope that im given a chance to do what is right and mend what has broken and build a stronger bond than before...but...it is just on my side...one hand cannot clap, things never work in one way...one way ticket is ticket---to nowhere...

part two

back home...feeling so tired and pissed with the ktm which caused me to reach home 2 hours later than expected...

today, i had done so many things...not in terms of work...but in terms of effort to mend what needs to...i did what people is suggesting me to do...smile, talk to people and be friendly...i tried...it might be as easy to anyone, but just not me...im able to talk about anything and be as friendly and all, but only to my close friends...i was proud of myself today...i tried putting down everything that is on my shoulder and gather all the courage to talk to them...and it is not too bad...when you want it to happen and you want to do it...it will definately happen...

why is there two posts? it is because i know, after reading her mail, the feeling will be different...i felt so pain suddenly...theres going to be a group trip going on to langkawi...but i aint joining them...of all places, why langkawi? i swore that i will never ever go to that place to anyone besides her unless it is my wife...sometimes things just get very coincident....shes finishing her training already...and i know that once she is done with it, i would not be receiving any emails from her anymore...if nothing changes, im sure that theres going to be plans during her holidays(that is IF im still with her)...and it is all because of what happened, happy events, dates or particular period which is supposed to be happening and happy turned to be lonely and endless pain...

yet again, theres alot of posibilities...theres alot of "IF" in our lives...what IF im smarter, what IF im richer, what IF IF IF...........but we left out one thing....when one thing changes to another, every single thing in our lives changes alongside too and something will come together with it that we might not like it at all...what happened has happened and it happened for a reason and whatever happened, our history, is the reason of what we have today...i always always believe one thing, regardless of what others might think or say...as long as i do my part the best i could and do nothing bad to others even though people did that to me, i believe that there would be more good-ness coming to me...c'est ma vie!!!

from within

it is friday already? thats fast...the week was going at a very fast pace...at last, the long weekend arrived...today is really a very wonderful day...for the first time ever! i felt happiness once more! its really coming from within, not pretending, not acted, not brought out forcefully but it came naturally...

i had bought and spent on so many things these few days, especially today...buying things that i really appreciate and like...looking back at 2 years ago, i never taught of buying any of these things despite seeing the others having their very own equipments..why? budget was always tight for me and all of them are spent for something else and at that moment of time, these things arent important to me...

today...i do not know how did that happen, but yes....for that few hours, i felt so excited and happy...even thinking of her and going to memorable places doesnt really affect me that much...i really dont know how could that happen...

i went mid valley with my friends today...i came across alot of things in the mall...too much in fact...it is a place where we spent most of time together there...i dont feel the pain that much today but i cant deny that i do miss her...usually i do have very short memory power...but certain things, i think im able to remember for life...august is already coming to an end...the month i feared most, is finishing...this tells me that seriously, nothing is impossible, and nothing you can do to stop everything from moving until your ready...whether you are ready or not, whether you like it or not...the world continues to circulate....

i do not know where i stand today...but i think i moved slightly further...still, it is not easy....