linked

oops...this week's kitchen week again...ummm...its worse than i expected it to be...all the comment i got is that, its too ordinary, i expected to see more from you...and yeah...its not that i did not put any effort in planning the menu...its just that my knowledge is so limited...all these while, i loved to cook because i love to eat...i cook according to what i think is nice and my feelings...i never really look out for something new, something that is bizarre, something that is so extraordinary, something that is hard to do or something very unusual...no...i cook what i think think is nice, taste good, satisfy my taste buds, make people happy and im happy...thats it...that is why what i know about the new trend right now is so so limited compared to others...but well its just so disappointing...after all those things i went through, i cant really see where i will stand or where i will be in the next 5 years...its very blur right now...im just moving with the flow but not plowing my own path, a path which i wanna walk...

cooking has always been very enjoyable and very satisfactory at times when im able to make people happy and sometimes my ability to cook links me to more people...i love what im doing...and today, its just a disappointing day...im not defeated by the words thrown at me or defeated by the others, but im defeated by, myself...i cannot lose....i cannot afford to lose...but then, it is so obvious that i lost...and it just felt so bad....what happened today is once again linked to something similar, but nothing to do with my career, something related to the past...thinking of her is just like adding salt, vinegar, lemon juice to my wound...

when something ends or over, from the second that it is decided, anything that happens the next second just doesnt matter anymore...life is full of mysteries and also miseries...and you never really know what is the result of something until the moment of determining it arrives, even the very last second counts and matters but once it is decided, it is history...

all along....

ever since that rare rainbow appeared in my life...my story has always been her and me...its always her, and me...i put her beyond everything in my life...she is the essense of this story of mine...but as time goes by...it somehow switched to my "my story with her"...it is just i found my life rather than living my life of hers...i continued the story of "my life completed with her alongside"...i taught it would be a never ending story...but too bad..everything that we had at that moment just couldnt sustain that change...and it ended...in a very unsatisfied and painful way...but well...it is over already...so much has been done to continue the story but it just couldnt be helped...and there goes, a beautiful story started off, developed, sustained, facing a downturn and ended...

winter may be cold
but with you warming my heart
it never feels cold

days without you
although the sun is blazing hot above
my heart within is as cold as a winter night can bring

Dreaming is easy

Waking up from a dream is the hardest part...especially when you already been dreaming for such a long time...waking up and facing the reality is frankly so damn hard...why everything seems so inter-related to the past...related to things which I’m working on to forget...I’m really wondering how much harder can this get?...it is the hardest thing I ever encountered...

Once more I’m feeling as though I’m starting to lose everything once again...was it my thinking or it is just happening?...I just dunno what is the right thing to do...and I know what I have done really pisses you off...but I dare say that I do everything without feeling any guilt and I do everything with the right heart and I have no regrets...if you think im someone whos not worth knowing...i have nothing to say seriously...all I just hope is understanding...but I think I have been given such a reasonable amount of understanding...and I thank you for that...

Some things just never heal...some things just stays there...some things just never change...taught kills...and today im defeated by it once again...i have changed so much...and I hope all these worth the pain...slowing down is a way when things just get overheated...movement stopped at this moment...till it moves again...rainbow shall re-appear and the noble truth shall be revealed...

imaginary steps

retreating is advancing and advancing is retreating...sometimes when you taught you were moving forward, you are actually moving backwards...sometimes you just couldnt understand why all these happened and why it has to be that way...is this the fruit of the past or the seeding for the future? are you in debt to someone in the past or are people in debt of you and are to be repaid to you in the future? the cyle of life is so so so deep...sometimes it seemed so simple to understand and to catch but sometimes you are just lost in nowhere...

when i taught i have been walking forward, actually im moving backwards...but why it seemed to me that im moving forward? i guess it is because im afraid to look back and around me...that is why my view is only focused at the picture in front...and now, i realise the image before me is not getting closer....i only know one thing...the happier times you had before, the more painful heart you will have when you lose it....

one cannot be enlightened by another...teachings only shows the way...no one puts the worries and problems within us therefore no one are able to take it away...the only way out is purifying your hearts....

a night...too quiet...

such a tiring day today...being in the college from 1o to 10 at night...how tiring can that be?...kitchen is fun!...its the first class of the term for hot cooking...enjoyed it....and feeling so satisfied with what i had done, it lifted my heart a little...

i had done so much to get on...i tried focusing and putting my energy in something else...i tried to forget....i tried to take it easy...i tried not to think bout it and do something else and enjoy my time spent with my friends in college...i really taught i was very far from the starting point....looking at the dark sky tonight....deep down inside....loneliness is still haunting me....that wound never really heal no matter how i pretend it has gone alot better....choosing to ignore the pain can be helpful at times....but when the times of realisation comes....its can be so disastrous....

every since that night...i realised alot of things...truly realised what is going on...things are impossible to undo...deep inside me...that heavily locked vault, reopened once again...and i found out that every single thing in my life can never be the same as before anymore no matter how hard i try to accept things and face it! and i think i have to change the way of me living life and be a different person and maybe im able to get through all these...i know its getting boring...i know people whos reading this think im such a dumbass...yeah i am...i really do not know how many times this has to happen...again, again and again and i really couldnt tell when this will end, completely...

rainbows can never really end...and to those who appreciate and believe the beauty and the magical feelings it can bring...that magical image will stay in your eyes for as long as you can breathe...till today...that image of that double rainbow on that beautiful evening is still so deeply carved into my heart and still exists before my very eyes in the empty, dark, starless sky...

smaller picture

another boring and blank day...so many things to be done but then the mood is really not there to do anything at all but just slacking...is this somehow a comfort zone? am i hiding from the world out there in this comfort zone...well...some said yes...but i dont think so...everything around us and even us are constantly changing from time to time...to this moment, i aint hiding from anything else...it is just, im not ready...but the spirit within is growing with time...the flame is still burning...and once it is blazing hot enough, im sure it will soar high...

today again, people told me that i have changed alot after all those things....i became someone quite different from before...from someone so quiet and so arrogant, turning into someone very friendly and sociable...and yeah, i have more friends than i ever had...the big picture seems to show that i have lost alot recently...but then, when i look at the picture in detail, i realised there are alot of smaller pictures within, telling me that my life has never been so full before and right now after all those things, my life is definately more colourful...it might not be as beautiful but yet, there are more colours in it now...so why should i just look at the big picture and stop right there where i can look closer and see more things in smaller scopes...

seeing is only an act, but the information of what the eyes sees is registered and analysed in our brains and felt by our hearts...open them wider and more things will come to you...

predictability...zero

it is funny how things happen...you can never guess whats coming next...you can predict, you can expect, you can do whatever you want but you can never ever truly predict whats gonna happen next...life is definately short...that is why, living life the best you could is essential...take note of things happening around you all the time is also one of the key...because you dont wanna miss any parts of your life...

as we go along...i have learnt something...we must not push everything to the max...what i meant is the relation and interaction between us and the people around us...because you can never know what the future has in store for you...i never guessed that i would be mixing around with the groups of friends today...and after these few weeks...it totally changed my perception towards each and everyone of them....my perception of them when we were still in high school is totally different and thank god at that time, i happen to leave that space open and not push it to the limits and now that space has expanded and the friendship goes on....like ppl used to say, in interacting with people, leave a line there as to allow further development in the future because you can never know what brings you and that person together again in the future and you might even seek help from that person...

people that you think your not gonna lose...friends that you taught could last forever...people that you taught never gonna betray you....one day it will all change...but to how much would it change...it depends on your own doing...its just sometimes...dont predict...dont assume...dont hope....as it is nothing of your control...so just walk on and let the flow lead you but not trying to predict whats in front...this way, you will have much carefree life...

has it stopped???...maybe not...

it was a tiring day once again despite having 12 hours of sleep...classes has never been this fun before although i did not really learnt or catched anything the lecturers were throwing at me...but yes....it was very fun being able to mingle around with the others....and i totally forgot about something that bothers me every single day before this...and when i was heading back home...i taught i had moved a very big step forward....feeling satisfied with myself...i went out for a movie, again....and it was good...i enjoyed it so much although having to sit at the 5th row from the screen...pls do watch red cliff for those who loves chinese history...its really good but kinda disappointing when it stopped halfway before the battle is over and it had to be continued on the second part....driving home feeling so full with what i had for my day...briliant...this is the life it is supposed to be....

reaching home, entering my room, looking at my laptop...oops...i havent check my mail for today...its gonna be sat tmr...and i started hoping....hoping that one of the mail that is sent to me will tell me where and when to meet someone tmr...yeah..that email is from her...but i was desperately searching for any words telling me that im meeting her tmr...but no....there isnt any...feeling so disappointed...once again...my day ended badly...deep inside...its bleeding...i wonder, how long more will it take to fully heal this...all i know now is that, the healing rate has picked up its pace...the path of serenity is nearing....but still...its painful...

fate

fate sometimes is undeniable...alot of people choose not believe because they choose to believe that their life is at their very own hands...today is just as grey as expected after the storm yesterday...feeling so darn tired today, forced by my conscious to get up in the morning and attend class...dont really feel like talking the whole day...

when i was on my way back, taking the train...i saw my neighbour which is kinda close to me and my family...she was waiting for the train in the same station as i am...she got in...i got in to the other door trying not to bump into her cuz i dont feel like talking to anyone...but then, i realised, her husband was there at the other end...then i came to see, sometimes, when things are fated...no matter how and no matter in what situation, when 2 person are fated to meet or to be in a place, you will definately meet and when you are not fated to be together...no matter how hard you try, how sad you can be or how painful ur making yourself, it just cannot happen...

its really weird when we talk bout things like this...its unexplainable, but yet, i can feel the existance of it...im wondering when would the person that is fated to be mine will show up or even return...........i shall wait.............

unpredictable

the day started off really well, besides feeling extremely tired but it ended quite badly...the whole day was kinda fun with all those lame craps, jokes and fooling around is really nice...on the other hand, work is piling up again...well, just have to face it and finish it as soon as i could...

today, realising how limited my abilities are compared to others just feels so bad...but somebody asked me why i always have to feel and think the negative way? me myself dont know...maybe confidence is not really my thing....

back at home...feeling good and energetic...taught i would just spend a night out alone and watch a movie since its wednesday...on my way there, i taught it would be better if i have someone to come along with me...but then, everything is planned by GOD...i couldnt find anyone to come along...so there i went, queing up for the tickets...i taught i was strong today to take this in...i taught im able to enjoy it today, alone...in the end, i realised its not quite that way...feeling embarassed walking alone and buying ONE ticket and being looked at as though im some psycho just kinda wiped off my mood...walking the closed mall alone is really not a very nice thing to do...you walked and walked and walked for that one hour reli makes me feel so dumb...and people just have to look at me in a different way...is it me thinking too much or what? i guess not...even i would look at someone whos walking alone waiting for the movie to start...

the movie started well...just like my day...two people who were created together and are meant to be in pairs for the rest of their life, it is just so sweet right...but ironically, they arent able to be together and they would be much better off if they are separated and the further apart they are, the better life it would lead to the both of them, each of them walking their own path despite the bond they had between them...how can such thing happen...yeah...its a movie...but it does happen to alot of people out there...still, as long as the other half is healthy and happy living their own life in a different path, it is a blessing to their heart as well...that is something so amazing which is known as, LOVE...

LIFE is in between

sun rises and sets...things starts and ends...things created and disappear...lives being born and taken...in this world we are living in, there are countless lives created and countless lives disappear...also there are countless lives struggling to live on and countless lives struggling for a better life....and all of these lives that exists lives in the same cycle...the same cycle that me and you are living...BUT why do we have to be born and what is the purpose of living and what brought us here? what is life all about?

a Zen master once said this, the reason that we are born to this world, this cycle, is to await death to bring us back from where we came from and out of this world and this cycle...and the process of awaiting the day for us to leave in between is different based on individuals...and that process in between is called life...and each and everyone of us is going through a different process, and that is what makes us unique and different...

look at it in a bigger picture...what makes life such a big deal where it is just a process of awaiting death and in the end, no matter what process you have been through in between life and death, everyone comes and returns to the same point where it started, regardless of what you had in life...

ironically...people often said that it is always the process that matters......and to start is to end but ending only means its a start of another new beginning....in the end of it...as again...it is up to you to determine what you choose to believe and think...

how far it is?

people often said that when your in bad luck then everything will turn upside down and everything seemed to be wrong...and people often tell me, getting drunk will help to forget things for a few hours...but after yesterday, it seemed not...in fact it only made me realise even more of what kind of situation am i in and where do i stand...its so hard....and it is really true that when you try hard to make something go away, the harder it will bounce back and hit you harder...everything just went wrong again today...things i made just didnt turn out the way it should be...im wondering, what else i can do rightly...i put effort, focus, concentration and heart to doing it...but in the end, it still didnt work...i wonder why....maybe my bad luck isnt over yet...when is it gonna end?

looking at the clear blue sky....wondering....im looking at the sky, but how far actually im looking...it looked so near but the fact is, it is so far away...the journey ahead is still a long way to reaching the destination...but yet, i can see it...

endless

i do not know how much i could take further...i do not know much tears i still had until its all drained...things just hit me so hard today, pushing my limits and in the end it seems im not up to the challenge...and not only one thing...waves of incidents just happened so coincidently until i really have to kneel down and admit fate, destiny and GOD's almighty...i couldnt fight over fate...i can never win...today, GOD is just trying to let me see and realise whereby certain things really cannot be forced....and certain things is just fated and i just need to face it with a willing heart....its my fate...but is it my fate too that i cant let things go? is it my fate too that i must be dragged on by all of these? i always believe everything is within our own palms...and as long we are able to do our best, we could achieve what we wanted...it seems not, we still have to follow our own fate and destiny planned by GOD in certain matters...it seems i had gone the wrong way...and today, i think all of those that happened is a warning and a sign telling me to get back to the right path...is letting go and freeing myself for good is really an exit to all these? i will try and im praying that i would not fall this hard ever again....time will show....

its never easy

its been months already...but i cant really seem to defend myself towards these emotion thingy...it kept hitting me again and again and i doubt it would ever stop coming back...maybe it was because it was just the 2nd day im back to college...there are new challenges and i just couldnt find a way to fight it, YET....its a bad day...and yeah...you just wanna turn it around, sing a sad song and go for a ride and hope it blows it all away...but it still comes back the next day...things just doesnt go the way you wanted them to be...

the phone reminds me of so many things...each time picking it up it just feels different...the person and the number that it used call and the first to be on top of the list...is no longer there...sometimes its just...picking it up...but not knowing why i picked it up...actually, it is all a routine...a routine which takes time to change it to something else...nothing is easy...and this...is the hardest thing i ever fought...you youself is the worst enemy of yourself but being able to take over it would only bring great rewards beyond...

feels different

its the first day back to college after 5 weeks of holidays which i kinda wasted doing nothing....time really flies...looking back...it is already 2.5 years since high school times is over...and its already the third year in college...so many things has happened and changed... today is really a new beginning and its a good start...its just alot of things just feels so differently...today is the day that i once again attending class but it is the first day that im doing it with something missing and so many things changed...i just hope things will get much better as time goes by and it is already much better than before and than i expected it to be...

i guess the key to moving forward lies in the past...from now on, i think i will do my best to control emotions and not be overuled by it, transform environment and not be transformed by it...yesterday is history, today is a gift and tommorow is a new beginning filled with mysteries of life...

definition of energy

a form of energy may be transformed to another form but the level of energy remains the same...

someone who is able to give you the time of your life also means that the same person is also able to bring you the hardest time in your life...again, it is a cycle...every matter or things in this world goes through stages of creation, development, deterioration and in the end, destruction...and when the time has come when it needs to leave, it is again, depending on the way we take or see it...

love is the greatest gift of god to mankind but it also has great destructive powers....it brings hope and happiness to people and make the world a much better place....but to certain people, they had experienced the disasters and nightmare it can bring...

on my way

its certainly not a very joyful day today...theres alot of friends whos gonna leave and most of them already left...gone to persue in their own path in life...its just so grey inside me the whole day...but i just couldnt really put it in words of why im feeling that way...perhaps im just missing all of them...

i realised that everyone has their own life, and me? i cannot just keep hanging on others to move on...after today, im gonna be on my own, i dont know whats gonna come next but i just know that i really need to find my own path of life, perhaps a different path from before BUT a path of my OWN...without all those words, help, encouragement, advise, time that you all had given me and spent for me...i wouldnt even be here today, i might already be six feet under...its really time, to get back to myself and be who i was...before the 14th of october, i think i will be able to find back all the pieces of me and a new beginning...

its gonna be the 6th again...and its the 4th month that this date of the month is bothering me greatly...its a day of refreshing what has happened...and yeah, its really proven that each time im moving somewhere forward, things will happen and pull me back...its not just the date....but something more...

fallen

thank u shean and simon for giving me a great time...its been long since i last had fun with games like that...if im not mistaken, its during i was form 4 where i truly enjoyed playing games with friends...dont get me wrongly, when i were playing with you guys, deep down inside me, im thinking bout her and missing the times where i played games with her...pls do not think that what you guys done for me and the times i guys gave me is not as good as her...but just...one thing links to another and the times i had with you guys and her is totally a different thing...and yeah....i reli enjoyed...and shean...at that moment when you said lets play again some other time, my heart leapt...i dunno when that time would be...i dunno how long would i have to wait for that time to come...i so wished that you could just come back anytime and just play with us again...and again, things dont always go the way you wanted...yeah, everything that comes has to go and everything that started has to end...this is a cycle, we cannot run from it, all we can do is just look at it in a different way...every ending might not always be the end at all as it is the process of getting to a new beginning...

opening that cupboard once again is so painful...this is the second time where tears failed me again...i didnt expect that, reading back each word...its just so painful...i never never taught i would come to this day...i never expected something so strong would still break...never taught such deep feelings would just vanish...everything is just like a dream...an interesting, happy, sweet and painful dream...it feels like only yesterday im together with her...it feels like 2 yrs is gone in a blink of the eyes...everything ENDED...today's battle is a total loss...but the battle goes on, new battle tmr, new challenges to face...at the very end, its still up to me, alone...i have to walk through this myself...i dunno what comes next...but i hope every day that goes by is getting me nearer to the exit of this tiring and painful path...

some things never change

the surface of the earth itself changes constantly although slowly...the hardest rock will also deplete if it is hit continously by the waves...but sometimes, something that is not even solid and cannot be seen by others will tend to stay unchanged...it is FEELINGS and MEMORIES...not many people will agree to this...but to me, yes...the feelings i had towards her, never changed until today...the memories i had with her, is just there, framed right there in my heart...everything had changed, everything had stopped and everything had ended...but all those things is right there, locked in the vault within me, unchanged and forced to be put away, deep inside...i wonder when will i be able to be in the state of serenity...no one knows, no one is able to tell me, even i dont know myself but i just know that day will definately come...im waiting...