part two

back home...feeling so tired and pissed with the ktm which caused me to reach home 2 hours later than expected...

today, i had done so many things...not in terms of work...but in terms of effort to mend what needs to...i did what people is suggesting me to do...smile, talk to people and be friendly...i tried...it might be as easy to anyone, but just not me...im able to talk about anything and be as friendly and all, but only to my close friends...i was proud of myself today...i tried putting down everything that is on my shoulder and gather all the courage to talk to them...and it is not too bad...when you want it to happen and you want to do it...it will definately happen...

why is there two posts? it is because i know, after reading her mail, the feeling will be different...i felt so pain suddenly...theres going to be a group trip going on to langkawi...but i aint joining them...of all places, why langkawi? i swore that i will never ever go to that place to anyone besides her unless it is my wife...sometimes things just get very coincident....shes finishing her training already...and i know that once she is done with it, i would not be receiving any emails from her anymore...if nothing changes, im sure that theres going to be plans during her holidays(that is IF im still with her)...and it is all because of what happened, happy events, dates or particular period which is supposed to be happening and happy turned to be lonely and endless pain...

yet again, theres alot of posibilities...theres alot of "IF" in our lives...what IF im smarter, what IF im richer, what IF IF IF...........but we left out one thing....when one thing changes to another, every single thing in our lives changes alongside too and something will come together with it that we might not like it at all...what happened has happened and it happened for a reason and whatever happened, our history, is the reason of what we have today...i always always believe one thing, regardless of what others might think or say...as long as i do my part the best i could and do nothing bad to others even though people did that to me, i believe that there would be more good-ness coming to me...c'est ma vie!!!

from within

it is friday already? thats fast...the week was going at a very fast pace...at last, the long weekend arrived...today is really a very wonderful day...for the first time ever! i felt happiness once more! its really coming from within, not pretending, not acted, not brought out forcefully but it came naturally...

i had bought and spent on so many things these few days, especially today...buying things that i really appreciate and like...looking back at 2 years ago, i never taught of buying any of these things despite seeing the others having their very own equipments..why? budget was always tight for me and all of them are spent for something else and at that moment of time, these things arent important to me...

today...i do not know how did that happen, but yes....for that few hours, i felt so excited and happy...even thinking of her and going to memorable places doesnt really affect me that much...i really dont know how could that happen...

i went mid valley with my friends today...i came across alot of things in the mall...too much in fact...it is a place where we spent most of time together there...i dont feel the pain that much today but i cant deny that i do miss her...usually i do have very short memory power...but certain things, i think im able to remember for life...august is already coming to an end...the month i feared most, is finishing...this tells me that seriously, nothing is impossible, and nothing you can do to stop everything from moving until your ready...whether you are ready or not, whether you like it or not...the world continues to circulate....

i do not know where i stand today...but i think i moved slightly further...still, it is not easy....

combination

the relation and communication between people is very amazing sometimes...you can be so close to this person at this moment but the next thing you know that person is your enemy....and it is funny how these things work...when you least expect it to happen, it will happen, when you are dreading it to happen, it will never happen...as again, nothing in this world is constant...everything in this world is everchanging...it is the nature of life...

i taught today is gonna be such a dreaful day...but then, when you least expect it, it did a 360 degrees upturn at the end...life is a path where we need to move on and on till the very end of it...alongside, there are alot of things that we picked up and dropped...this path is actually a combination...it is a combination whereby it changes with time...at different points of our lives, the things that is important to us is different from time to time...when i was with her, all i see in my life is just fairy tales and all about love and relationships but as time passes by, i taught the relationship is stable and i focused on my studies and career but when i almost had what i wanted to achieve, it shifted again, i lose her and it seemed to me that i had lost everything i had back there...and i was forced to a total stop by emotions and feelings and all the regrets came in and drowned me...i once again only sees the importance of her in my life...but then, as time passes by, things is starting to fall together, i see that all these things in life is just a part of it but the main thing in this path and lasts till the very end is our career....without it, our paths will be meaningless and aimless...i shall stick to this point of view and seek for the truself within...

subsiding

a tiring day once again...the cycle is on and today just made me realise that the cycle is winding up...everything that comes WILL go...term 5, i gained alot of things seriously...and it made me feel that theres a total equation to what i have lost and what i have gain from it...all those fame and every single thing that i enjoyed is fading...even friends...

i sent her a card, 2 mails...she did not even get to read it on her birthday itself...does she even care? i do not know...and today, all she replied was just thanks for all the wishes...is that all? they asked me, what do i expect? but i asked myself...what CAN i expect? do i even have a choice? NO!...

time wil aide me, time will wash away things slowly, yeah, at times it feels that way but then, when things came back and hit me, it hit me just as hard and made me fall just as hard...i really wish i could have more, just a little more luck...its really a cold night out there tonight...walking around the college, the wind is just so cold...

not too bad

it started badly but at the end of it, its reli not too bad...i do not know what it means but i just know that, we held the choices of what we intend to be in our very own hands...getting on with my daily routine, trying to take things in and cope with it at the same time is really not too bad...maybe it was because i am doing something i like with a bunch of very very good friends...well at least they are to me...

at the end of this indifferent day, i taught its going to be hell...i was still in the college till 7.30pm and i taught i would have dinner alone later on...in a way, i wanted to think and refresh about the past when im alone but then, at least, two of my friends just accompanied me for dinner...and after that, another special friend who were celebrating somebody else's birthday elsewhere just came by and watched a movie with me...what else can i ask for???

the conversation i had with my friends during dinner made me realised one thing...theres alot of people except our family comes and goes from our lives...even the closest friend would one day be further away...you least expect it but it does happen, all the time...and they told me one thing, if nothing changed for the past 5 months, till today, it would all be different, again, if i never lose it, i never know how important it truly is to me, maybe i would even just spend an ordinary night out with her tonight instead of me having big plans for her today after all those things where i know those plans can never be carried out...what is it all about? theres no point to it...we are only able to appreciate when we lose out, especially things that is lost forever...

im still questioning myself...in what position am i in today to her? i felt like im even lesser than a friend...i couldnt even manage to wish her by face to face, by phone or even by words...i do not truly know what happened but im just totally ignored...she called me in the morning, using a public number, and i wasnt in time to answer it...it is all fated...i sent her email and ecards to her wishing her right after the clock strikes 12 but she never read it today...in the end, the urge to call her up in her house just to talk to her was so strong...but in the end, i didnt do it as well...i think i know whats going on...i guess its that she wants to give this special day entirely for him and no one else...is this being selfish? i dunno.....but im quite sure i would have done the same for someone i truly love...my time is over...things shifts over time...all i could say is just appreciate whatever is around you as much as you can and whenever you are able to...

without you guys, i dunno how am i to get through this day...i really do not know how to tell you guys how thankful i am...seriously, god did not take it all away but in a way, god is trying to give me something else for a change...and for that fruitless branch, it is just that my time hasnt come yet and not anytime near future...

its...here...

in the end, it came...and as expected, tears failed me again tonight...im all by my own...they were trying to help, but theres nothing they can do to turn things around...

writing that card, wishing her, each word written slashes my heart...i do not know why am i so stupid...how can i wish them both be happy...how can i wish someone who took away the day which is supposed to be mine and every single thing that belonged to me to be happy with her? but yes...each word came right from my heart...no matter who is she with, as long she is safe, healthy and happy all the time...

each of us had our own paths to move on...tonight, looking back at the junction once again just made me stop right there...fully defeated...

sometimes i wonder how people get through this stage when they face it? they have been giving me advice and giving me ways to get over this...it never really work...because whether the better or worse situation they had been, it is NOT exactly the same as what happened to me...and i am me, you are you, they are they...i need to find my own way out of this...



Happy 20th Birthday baby...

a fruitless tree

my day today is busy but it is all empty within...its 24th of august already...in another 2 hours, its gonna be the 25th...for the past 2 years, on this date, at this particular time, i were on the phone with her talking, joking, sharing our day with each other...but two years later, today? im all alone, sitting here, doing nothing, feeling empty and lost...the pain is so intense...especially today...i really have no idea how tomorrow would feel...and i dont think im ready for it...

i cooked for my family today, its a busy day...but why i choose to cook? why today? the reason is simple, cooking can somehow distract me alot rather than spending my day doing something else...still, when i was cooking, flashes of memories came by my mind....im wondering, how happy she would be if she were to see the cake i made....im sure shes gonna like it...but it is just a perception, a taught, i can never know the answer to it...

why is a tree called a fruitless tree? of course the answer would be, it is a tree that once had fruits hanging to its branches but not anymore...a tree grow, mature and bear fruits, the fruit ripens and fell on the ground below and in the end the fruit rot on the ground, provide nutrients to the soil and obsorbed by the tree again....it is a perfect picture of life...i were on the stage where the tree bears the fruit, being so naive, i never taught that the fruit will one day fell from the branches...but i realise, no matter how i dont want it to happen, i still wont be able to stop it...i came to know that once a fruit fell from a branch of the tree, there will never be a second fruit growing on the same branch ever again...the fruit i treasured most fell off the ground and i am just able to watch it rot...and that branch of my heart is left-----------fruitless...

pain

there is one story that really inspired me today...this story is not told, not read from a book but seen on a face of a boy...but how this story came about is less important, what is important, is the story itself...

once theres a very successful merchant, he is respected and he had what he wanted in life...he had a good wife, kids, a happy family and he is very wealthy...but as people says nothing comes without sacrifices...he had suffered and worked very hard during his younger days in order to obtain what he had...one day he saw this boy, he is poor, looked down by people, did not have the chance to even study and he needs to work at his young age in order to obtain money for his mother and his father died when he was at a very young age...the merchant then recalled his hard times and how he overcome the difficulties but dont get me wrong, although he struggled very hard to obtain what he had but his life was never as difficult as the boy....the merchant then told the boy, "dont worry boy, dont give up, i see brightness in you and im sure that one day you will be a successful person and free from all the hardships you doing, work hard!"...the boy just look at him with the same expression and replied, "not many people are able to have a life like yours no matter what, it is destiny that decides everything and my destiny are all pre planned"... and the boy walked away...



what i see from the story is that pain are able to make people learn more about life...why were there buddhas? it is because they see the pain and sufferings in this world therefore they seek for the truth to free themselves and the others from it as well...but to be free from it, we must know what pain and sufferings truly were...the boy in that story had gone through more sufferings and pain than the merchant therefore despite his young age, what he had learnt about life is even more than the merchant who is much older...people always says that old people are more experienced about life...but not quite in this story...it is just a matter of pain and hardships which makes that boy superior than the merchant in terms of understanding life...

people kept telling me, i deserves someone better, i will find someone better...maybe due to what i had gone through i find that all those words that seemed to be the truth but actually they are just empty words...before telling me these, they forgot one thing, each person is unique, just like i am and you are....we are humans living in this same world but we are uniquely different...so how can you actually compare 2 person which is so different? and how could you say that the next person would be better as there is nothing to compare? see?

so much can be said...so many things seemed true, but when you look closely to every detail, you will find that it is all empty...and it is all just mere words to make me feel better...theres so much to learn but we only had a lifetime to learn...

stillness and awareness of mind at any condition is the key to finding the truth...truth is always within, it depends on you whether you are able to find it or not...

its....coming...

Its already 23 of august today. The day im fearing the most is approaching, i do not know how would i feel on thaat particular day, but one thing is sure, i wont be feeling happy on that day. Others kept telling me to take it as any other normal day, but the fact is that, that day is not just any ordinary day, it is a day which is special for me and for her. See how ironic words from others can be sometimes. On one side, they tell you to face the truth, on the other side, they tell you to ignore and forget. It just makes me feel that at times, words people gave me are nothing but just words of comfort, words that trying to get me through the hardest and most difficult day. I understand that their only motive of doing all these, saying all these is just to see me smile and be happy from within.

Most of it has been wiped away, re-written with something else which only consists of me. No matter how much things are written on top of the past, the shadows of the past are still visible. Without past there isnt future, they co exist. In order to gain true happiness, we need to know what pain and sadness is all about.

Those who viewed my blog, they often say that its boring and filled with nothing but emotional words which is getting so boring. This is written not to show others how emotional i can get, this is written to record what im going through, to me, its a guide towards a better and happier life and to remind me in the future to appreciate each and every single thing im having. This is the path of pain, leading towards serenity.

what is it?

today, is just so tiring but i couldnt have felt more relieved...its the end of assessments and its not till the next two weeks where im bugged by exams....today is the birthday of my best college mate...my friend did so much for him to make him happy and he is happy...its all worth the time, effort and also the heart to do all this for him...to me....i used to wish for something like that...i want my day to be filled with all these surprises as well...but today, there might be people doing this for me...but to this point of time, something i used to wish for a very long time, doesnt seem to be as important anymore...maybe again, as human, our nature is where our desire is stronger towards something is hard to get and when things are easily obtained, we never really appreciate or treasure it...this year had impacted alot on me, especially the way i see things and the way i live my life...so many lessons i had been through so far within this year, but i have yet to see the results and the outcome of the lessons im going through....i wonder, when i get out of this, completely, what would it feel like? it is also that so many things happened this year, i tend to question the importance of birthdays among my friends....all this kind of events used to be an opportunity to plan something and make her happy but when it is all gone, what is left is just a hole within...and when this events or occasions comes to mind or happen around my clique of friends, it hurts me alot....today, if it wasnt because he is my best college mate, i wouldnt do this for him...i wouldnt even attend or bother to celebrate with him....because without him in college, i wouldnt have gone through all these and still standing...but when i was there with them, no one truly knows how much pain and how many flashes of the past i had, every flashes in my mind just cuts through my heart for a second, fully healed the next second and the cycle went on for the whole night....but yet i really wanna let him know that i truly treasure the friendship between the 3 of us...the time where we can have fun like this wont be much anymore but at least we enjoyed our times together....

people will definately think that im writing this out just to show that im noble and im being a good friend and brag about it...but the fact is that i just want him and her to know...i treasure our friendship more than anything and i hope it will last no matter what and with you guys around, my life was much much filled than ever before and theres so much fun even though theres the 3 of us...it is not seen on the outside, but it is definately felt on the inside...

it has been really really long dy since everything has passed...but till today, everything seems like it just happened yesterday...the feeling is still there, the pain is still so fresh... i couldnt understand why....people kept telling me time is essential to heal the pain...but the time i took just doesnt seem to have much effect on it...why? im starting to question why am i not letting go of the past where im still clinging on to it? is this true love? is this what love is all about? is this the care i had for her? is it the bond between us? do i really still love her like i do or like i said i do? is it just im hanging on because i couldnt admit that i lost her? am i hanging on to show people im loyal? am i pretending to be loyal subconsciously? i really have no idea....im starting to really ask myself, do i really really still loves her as much as i taught i do? again, the answer lies beneath the roots...i shall seek and find for it...

first time?

in life how many first times do we have? and some of it, once we lose it , we lose it forever and you do not even have the chance to do anything at all to bring back or undo what is over...appreciating people around us might seem simple but i can almost say that not 1 person that i know is able to do that perfectly...when happy and joyful things happen to us, of course we will love it and each time it happens it will bring the same joyfulness from the first time it happened but when something painful, sad and huge happens, it might only happen once but the pain and regrets lasts a lifetime...to certtain people, yes, this applies, but to some, not at all...of course, to me, it feels like it would last longer than forever....

exam was disastrous today...reason?...time...never in my life i write an essay without a conclusion but today, it is the first time this happened and it is so disappointing...i wish i could have more time...so many things is happening in my life right now but the saddest thing is that i do not have anyone to share it with...no matter how many people or friends i might be with every single day, i cant run away from the fact that im all alone in my own life...the harder i force myself to run, the more it strains my body...the harder i try to move, the more painful it is with the slightest movements...

once more, i questioned why birthdays are so special to others? i once had the answer to it, but now, it brings nothing but fear, pain and hurtful feelings...this is all so damn stupid!!! but the worse of all is that its all happening within me without any of my control...baking that cake makes me reviewed so many things from the past...its all over!!! yes......so whats the point of looking back at it? we need to move on, we need to grow stronger, we need to grow up, we need to learn how to deal with all these....BUT it can never be wiped, it can never leave my memory vaults...we never know how hard something can hit us until it really hits us...you can comment, say anything about it, view it in your way...but it is YOUR thinking, YOUR views, YOUR way of taking things...no one is able to understand, no one is able to feel the pain exactly like i do...all words can do is to bring you as close as possible to what it is like,--------to me.....what is lost leaves a space...a vast, empty, immovable, irremovable, un-refillable------space...just like this paper, with nice borders, awaiting to be filled up with something bizarre, something different but it is____________________empty...

a perfect world

a perfect world can be a world without war, a world without sufferings, a world without problems, a world without sadness...a perfect world to me is just that everything in my life goes the way i wanted to, everything in my life is at my grasp, my total control and prediction...well, this all doesnt exist do they?

back there i taught i was strong to take anything...but that was because i had everything i ever asked for...i never ever taught she held the key to everything i had back there...i lost her, and everything started to fall apart...days without her, at times, i just feel i had no direction towards where i am heading and everything in front of me seemed unpredictable and it is all so blur...it is true that after all those time i took to bring myself up once again, i am much much better but again, i really couldnt forget what happened, i just couldnt forget all those times and all those words...

i had been trying to avoid any shows, movies or drama related to love...today, so coincidentally, i watched one without knowing...theres this girl who never dated anyone before and she said she wanted a guy who would listen to whatever she says, but at the same time she would want to listen to the guy as well, she wanted a guy who listens and takes in and do whatever she asks him to do but at the same time she wanted the guy to plan things for her, she wanted to be a successful person in life, but at the same time she doesnt wanna work so hard but instead having the guy make her sucessful and give her a easy life...then my friend told me, hmmm, thats a hard guy to find...i viewed my story into it, i did more than that back there...much much more...theres also a scene where a girl were cheated by a guy, took away everything valuable that she had with her including her heart and she doesnt even have her clothes with her and she was walking on the street, i felt the pain deeply in my heart, back there, i had lost every every single thing, it is bad when your heart is broken but it is worse to have a heart so broken and your nothing but a living empty body....things that were important to me are not important anymore, things that i cared most doesnt matter to me anymore...

it is true that im the one making all the choices all these while...im the one who choose to feel sad, im the one who choose to stay behind, im the one who choose not to let go and theres no one to help me except myself...ppl often say that im stupid and stop acting noble or pretend to be loyal...and no one would believe that within 5 yrs, i would still keep my words but i guess no one would know me better than myself...i had started to pick up the pieces of my life that fell off but this, tonight? is just a piece of it that is going to be lost, forever...

reasoning after perception

out of a sudden, with all the things going on, projects, assignments, homework, presentations, baking, clock is ticking extremely fast without mercy, im moving with the flow but my feelings somehow just couldnt keep up...there are so many interesting elements in my life now, truly what i wanted before this and i am happy most of the time now, but when everything slows down, it will once again flow back, flooding me with it, the past........

when i was so busy baking and trying to fight time, my phone is right there on the table, looking at it each time, wondering whats wrong with it...it used to beep continuously with sms-es, phone calls from time to time, sweet, encouraging words all coming from the very same phone...i still remember, whenever im busy baking something, the reason im fighting time is not because of assignments or getting rest but attending to something much important to me-within...back there, i had the elixir of love to do anything, to cope and face anything at all...it is never ending, it will never stop flowing and it seemed to have infinity flow of it...right now, without it, it might seem that its no big deal but then at times, where you really need it, you will know the importance of it...its something so amazing that no one can truly know what miracles it can bring to us...at times, we often say why we dont know why we are doing so much for the person we love, ppl say they are blinded by love BUT----- perception towards that particular person in our inner selves is the answer...from that very second where you perceives that he/she is the one, there goes, everything that she does, will seem good to you no matter what people say or comment about it but if theres one person where you perceived as a bad person, every single thing he/she does is just wrong...from the second that she choose not to love me anymore, she can say anything or give any reasons but that was not the answer to it, the answer is simple, her innerself already decided to leave...we always think and guess and be puzzled and stucked there with what happened or what is said, we always sees the fruit but we never ever realised the roots beneath...what happens today is not important, i shall not question why this all happened, but from now onwards i will only ask myself on how to have a better and solid foundation if i had the chance once more, now, or the future...my heart deep within just feels like its in a deep and dense forest, filled with snow and bone cracking wind blowing non stop...

let it go

its really a very unhappy day for me...i taught it is all gonna end up very very well and everyone would be happy and appreciate what i had done but as again, life has shown me once again that not everything will go as planned or the way you wanted it to...temper failed me once again, i never got so angry in my whole entire life and this is the first time i ever felt that burning sensation within my heart and i just felt like bursting fire out of my mouth...i wasnt like that last time, hardly get mad at anything at all, in fact never really am angry at something or someone more than a day...as we grow, as the environment around us changes and we tend to have more things in our lives than before, the inner self within us will evolve as well...i had become someone who is so not me and not one person whom i knew 10 years ago would believe who i had become today...

its really the time to move on, i had stayed way too long than im supposed to...i had my own life right now and she had her own, although we both had lead a very different path now, the existance of the junction where we parted could not be denied...either we embrace it or drag it on long enough to see it turn sour...

start small

when arrogance conquer us, that is when we start to fall...most of us had done the same mistake, having arrogance take over us and at times we tend to feel we are so called larger than life...we will think that we are too good or too important to do certain simple thing and we tend to think that since we are good, i would only focus on the big things and leave small things to people with smaller roles...that is why the people who is sucessful and people who are able to reach the peak will never take small matters for granted and they will observe the smallest thing that might affect them especially for those who works under them because only when small matters are done the best it could, then comes the bigger picture and bigger success...

the vast sea has lots of rivers flowing to it...the high mountains are formed by different small mountains...

i had done something which i regretted so much...im really sorry and i didnt mean to hurt or affect anyone that much...i swear i would not do that again...

full yet blank

its definately a great day today...im so satisfied with everything i had done today...it was hectic and busy but still fun...haha...really nothing can give me this kind of feeling and that tells me im in the right path in choosing my career and i can almost say that im gonna be in this industry for a very very long time...

as again, my day always ended badly...when i came home, my mum told me that my dad is drunk and he had an accident...but luckily he is not hurt...but well, at times, at the end of a very tiring day, what i really dont want is just these kind of things....i guess things just happen without us controlling it though...

driving home...being so darn tired, so wanna sleep...but the feeling is just that i want to share what i had done this great busy day with someone...someone who is waiting, someone who is waiting for your call to listen and know what has happened today...it could be so so perfect if that person is still here or even i had a person like that in my life...but that person is no longer there...whats a tiring day worth if your all going home driving alone where your phone wont ring and you dont have anyone to call...the day is just so full of satisfaction and everything but then at the end of it, it is actually blank...its like a great story but it doesnt have an ending to it...

believe

its really a very enjoyable day today and the satisfaction rate of the day? more than i can expect...its a busy and also tiring day but then very very enjoyable..the passion in me has once again proven to me that it is able to return me with undescribable joy and happiness while working in the kitchen, but of course, if it is not done with the best of friends, the effect wouldnt be the same...i was thinking in my heart, how good it would be if one day when we have all graduated and work in the same place together...i think not only the productivity will be very high but the bond of friendship will just get thicker and thicker and im sure it wouldnt feel like working at all, but fun every single day...im hoping that day would come...but sometimes things arent always as beautiful as we want it to be...well...we just have to live with it though...

everything was perfect today, until the dinner at night...even the dinner is really really great...thanks to yen ^^...im sorry for being a little worn out during dinner...cuz reli tired...on the way back, on the highway, looking at the empty sky...no matter how full my day is, there is a great empty space in my heart deep within...a space where nothing can fill...different spaces in my life are filled, and in fact more compartments are created for that matter but yet, no matter how many compartments are created, this empty space which has nothing in it, yet it still meant so much to me and it can never be deleted for the rest of my life...love only comes to the people who believes in it...the thing is that what does love has to offer and bring to a person who lost faith in everything that he once possessed and a heart which has broken into countless fragments? this heart are able to come together once again when the time is sufficient but the thing is, there is definately going to be a few fragments missing...