first time?

in life how many first times do we have? and some of it, once we lose it , we lose it forever and you do not even have the chance to do anything at all to bring back or undo what is over...appreciating people around us might seem simple but i can almost say that not 1 person that i know is able to do that perfectly...when happy and joyful things happen to us, of course we will love it and each time it happens it will bring the same joyfulness from the first time it happened but when something painful, sad and huge happens, it might only happen once but the pain and regrets lasts a lifetime...to certtain people, yes, this applies, but to some, not at all...of course, to me, it feels like it would last longer than forever....

exam was disastrous today...reason?...time...never in my life i write an essay without a conclusion but today, it is the first time this happened and it is so disappointing...i wish i could have more time...so many things is happening in my life right now but the saddest thing is that i do not have anyone to share it with...no matter how many people or friends i might be with every single day, i cant run away from the fact that im all alone in my own life...the harder i force myself to run, the more it strains my body...the harder i try to move, the more painful it is with the slightest movements...

once more, i questioned why birthdays are so special to others? i once had the answer to it, but now, it brings nothing but fear, pain and hurtful feelings...this is all so damn stupid!!! but the worse of all is that its all happening within me without any of my control...baking that cake makes me reviewed so many things from the past...its all over!!! yes......so whats the point of looking back at it? we need to move on, we need to grow stronger, we need to grow up, we need to learn how to deal with all these....BUT it can never be wiped, it can never leave my memory vaults...we never know how hard something can hit us until it really hits us...you can comment, say anything about it, view it in your way...but it is YOUR thinking, YOUR views, YOUR way of taking things...no one is able to understand, no one is able to feel the pain exactly like i do...all words can do is to bring you as close as possible to what it is like,--------to me.....what is lost leaves a space...a vast, empty, immovable, irremovable, un-refillable------space...just like this paper, with nice borders, awaiting to be filled up with something bizarre, something different but it is____________________empty...