the door

i couldnt help but feel emptier as days goes by...every single day when i opened my eyes, my heart felt so empty, basically, during this holidays, i have nothing to look forward to and when that happens, i tend to put the scene back to half a year ago, imagining how fun and how fast this holiday period will end with all those plans with her...every single thing that is bothering me is the same as half a year ago, everyday, the fear gets stronger and stronger, it is the fear of losing someone dearly to you, it has already happened but then, in my heart, she never left...

you brought me to this path,
now, your the one who left this path,
leaving me, alone, right at the spot where you left me,
without you, i couldnt find the exit to all these,
without you, everything is blurred,
without you, i couldnt even see whats ahead of me,
and there i am, just like a boat, without a navigator,
lost...
puzzled...
all these never kill me,
floating...
exactly like a boat,
in the middle of nowhere, constantly hit by waves,
it almost sink each time, but with just an inch away,
it still survived till today,
awaiting to be saved, awaiting for you...

exceeding limits?

everyone has different perceptions about certain things...that is why, each person is unique and are made up in different complicated combinations...to others, i am only a person who is weak, unable to move on, being stupid and torturing myself and people around me...to me, i find nothing wrong with my perception and my principles of life...

YES, it is true, all those words that they said is so true...but that doesnt mean, my perception is wrong and its not like im being stubborn or anything, its just, to me, i doesnt seem wrong...till this very second my decision is final, i still miss her, i still love her and i still want her back and im willing to take everything and anything from her and what she can offer and i will give her everything i had if she were to come back to me and my answer is always yes and its final...

as proven, many will not agree with what i have decided but then, my biggest enemy is emotions...i can conquer myself, change myself in terms of attitude and other things about myself, i can change it all, but i cannot help being conquered by emotions...to me, shes an angel, shes the person i ever want, no matter what the consequences will be, im willing to face it, with just one request, her coming back...and im quite sure that for years to come, my birthday wishes will be her coming back to hold my hands once again, share and continue what is unfinished...5 years, isnt too hard than it sounds...

dream realized in dream

i slept for 14hours...i didnt want to get up...i was so darn tired yesterday night, missing her greatly at the same time, i was hoping and imagining, how comfortable and happy i would be if shes right beside me, watching me sleep...

i knew that tonight's dream, i will be seeing her...true enough, i dreamt about her, everything seemed so real, i was half awake, with my consciousness, im aware of every single detail in the dream i had, and it didnt seem like a dream to me, as partially, im in total control of myself and my doings and i even remembered each and every word i said in the dream...she came back to me, apologised, and told me that i was the one who she truly needed and love, she told me she was never as happy with him compared to the time we were together...i went around town, everything is so damn real, i felt so happy, even i got up in the middle of the night to turn the aircond off cuz it was too cold, i was conscious and i fell back to the same spot of the dream where i left it minutes ago and i was aware that, this is all a dream, i was aware that if i were to get up now, it will all be gone...

but in the end, the scenes all changed, someone hit me and ran away, i was so in rage, i went after that guy, chasing him, cursing him, wanting so badly to catch him and wack him up, in the end, i caught up to him and i hit him, but in the end, i was the one badly beaten, to that moment, i dont feel the pain, but amazingly, i was aware of whats going on in the dream, i knew this is a dream so no matter what i do, i will get away with it...at that moment where i fell on the floor, badly beaten up, i told myself, time to get up and true enough, the next second, i was awake, lying on my bed, looking at the fan spinning on top...it was a dream come true, in my dreams...i didnt want to get up, but i think for whatever reason i had this dream, something is telling me, giving me hints through the scenes at the end of the dream...i came to understand that, yes, when we lose something so important to us, we will definately do whatever it takes to chase it back, get it back, and during the chase, we tend to think that if im able to catch up, everything will change and be back to the way it is, but then, it is not always that way, sometimes, even we are able to get back what we have lost, after all, it might not be something that we truly want....while chasing that guy in the dream, i wanted to beat him up so badly, but then, when i caught him, it was the other way round...

i was such in a bad mood, all i wanted to do was to lie down there for the rest of the day doing nothing...the feeling of being with her is so close, so real as though its really happening and the amazing thing about it is that im aware of it! this is the first time ever for having a dream where im in control of myself and aware of every single thing that happened in it...in the end, i got up, telling myself, i had this dream for a reason...god is trying to hint me something...and i think i got it...that is why, no matter how much pain i had to suit my emotions to the reality once again, i will have to face it...well, we shall see how this day will end...

p.s my heart will forever be partially owned by you, baby, i love you

cure?

these few days during the holidays, i have been feeling extremely lonely...it wasnt because im too free of anything, but maybe i was out of attention...if had classes, i would be around with friends and at least, there were people to talk to me, people to share laughter with but not after the holidays have started...

since monday, my phone was never as busy as it was before...and since monday, for god knows how many times i tried to look at my phone, browsing my list of contacts, trying to find someone i could sms or call but i can find none...each time i put the phone back down, i so wished that it would rang the next second, but it never happened...

people kept telling me that there i really should let go, i must stop roaming in the past, i must walk out of the circle no matter how hard it is...and we have to go through pain to be fully cured...but i really have no idea of how much pain i had gone through, yet, im still stucked there, moving nowhere...i am so tired of forcing myself and pushing myself further to the limit...whats the use of pushing myself where in the end, i came back to where i started...from now on, i will not force myself anymore, i wont try my best to walk out of this, i will just let things be as it is, if i were to continue being trapped in the past, so be it, if i were to really walk out of this and being able to put down things, then i would be happy to start all over again...

im missing her so much...but how would she know? im still struggling here, how would she know about this? im starting to feel that the reason that she is not replying my mails might be because she doesnt wanna hurt me anymore, but then, how would she know that what she is doing is hurting me less if not more?

inter-related

these two days is the worst within these few months...my mood couldnt get any worse and it feels like the time during my previous holidays after my training...alot of things come back, more and more each day and one taught linked to another...

i really couldnt believe that i would come to this day...what about all those things we had back there? its all gone!!! i can never retrieve them back...im starting to doubt whether i will truly recover and start anew...

i felt like eating chocolates after dinner, i took them out, looking at it, flashes shot my mind...i dont wanna eat them, i wanna keep them, but then when i checked the expiry date, i realised that if i dont eat it now, its gonna end up in the bin next...i know certain things will keep moving on...but i just cant help missing her...every second of it...every second of it makes me misses her more and more, as every second ticks off, i would imagine how were things like and how would things be if we were still together today, right now, at this very second...everything would be so perfect...

being defeated or facing any difficulties in life is not as worse as going through all these and seeing the person you cared and love most walk out of your life and all you can do is watch her walk further and further away, out-of-your-life....

circles

i just realised that all these while, its all illusion that im getting better and moving forward...all these while, everything and all the efforts i took and all the advises i obtained from everyone around me only expanded the circle im in...all these while im still trapped in this circle, never to truly obtain happiness, never really left all those pain, all those emotion swings... the amount of pain within this circle did increase a little but one thing is sure, i felt better by day is just because this circle has expanded through time, but im still in there...i taught things slowly faded away, but then, actually, the increased space within this circle is the reason im feeling less painful, and things hit me less frequently, cuz there were more space for all these emotion thingy to move around before it hits me again...i dont know how long it would take me to break free from this circle...to be myself once again...

holidays is here once again, i were craving for it...but then, its the 5th day already...i had done nothing and my emotions are out of control...i got through each day by creating different endings for myself...the ending of all these and who would i become after all these...i wonder which ending will be mine....

again and again..

watching the drama, the path and scenes about the couple in it is more or less like my own, a mirror to myself...nothing is certain in this world...you can never know what comes next...when problems occur, it is always problems that shakes a relationship, always problems, not problem...it is always made up of a series of events before it poses a threat to the relationship...

they waited, missed the chance of being together, in the end, they really got together, but then, a series of events happened, bringing them further apart...the closer they tried to get to each other, the futher they are to each other...in the end, it is always one party that continues to hurt the other person over and over again...one time after another, leaving the other person alone to rot, to perish again and again...

scenes after scenes, incidents after incidents, the girl keep doing things, making decisions to hurt the guy, yet, the guy kept forgiving her regardless of what she had done to hurt him, in the end, shes marrying someone else instead of him, he tried to bring her back with everything he had, but as things cannot be turned around, he knew he had to let go, till that moment, i can truly understands how he felt when she told him hes marrying someone else and in the end, he still decides to congratulate them whole heartedly, even his heart is so broken....

but life is very unpredictable...how far is the distance between the ground and the sky? can you actually touch and feel the sky? how far is the distance from east to west? there are lots of uncertainties, how can you actually know the distance between the ground and the sky as you cannot feel and touch the sky? how can you actually find out the distance from east to west as you when the world is a sphere...in the end, they still got back together, but then things doesnt happen in a sudden, there were also a series of events bringing them back together...

im wondering, will the same ending happen to me as well? will all the things i had done pay off one day...will i be able to claim back what is rightfully mine? i guess what is yours will be yours in the end, forcing it would never last...where are you? how are you? what are you doing? im desperate to know...but i guess, i would never know...letting things free from the tight grasp and let things develop freely might be a way to end all these quickly...

both once, alone now

whatever that has to do with any emotion feelings, its really very complicated, well, as thats because i cant understand it truly or take control of it...today, i really feel so tired loving her...yes, so tired loving her...although we had come to this state, till today, i still do love her alot and its really tiring to go through the pain every single day from time to time...

the feeling of being alone, with no one to report to, with no one to miss you, i just couldnt get used to it...im really wondering, if one day i could have the chance of getting back to her in a way or another, and if im given that chance, i wont set it loose ever again...

i just came back from singapore...i was all excited because i taught i can enjoy myself and be happy for the day but along the way, i just kept thinking of her, thinking how would she love this and that...i were in the chocolate shop, it was her favourite! i really taught of buying it, for her...but then, whats the point? i couldnt even give it to her...seeing people along the way, walking and talking so lovingly just makes me so jealous...i once had everything i ever wanted, and i taught i had nothing to lose and i will never lose...the fact is that whenever you think that your sky high, that is where you tend to slowly come down to ground...looking at the cable car just made me taught of the promise i made to her to bring her to the eye of malaysia during her birthday last year but then, i am never going to have that chance ever again....

all those words said, all those promises made...it cannot be forgotten, i cannot be erased, i tried to held it hard, but then, it kept slipping off through the cracks of my fingers just like particles of sand, losing it bit by bit...im so afraid that i will one day forget all those things i had with her...that is why, i tend to remind myself of what happened back there....it hurts tremendously, yet im willing to refresh myself of all those memories hoping that those times, words, promises we made to each other will forever be with me, regardless of whats coming next in the future...we never know what are we going to be like in the next 5 years, but then, living today and what you do today determines what you become next...

is the 5 years vow stupid?

4 months back, i vowed that i will never get in a relationship with anyone no matter what unless that person is her...back then, the vow is so solid and i knew that im sure to fulfill it...when time slowly goes by...things started to go back to normal...things started to come back to me...i got back to most of my senses...thinking back about all the things i had done, i felt stupid and embarrassed in front of my family and friends...and to those whom i told them about the vow i made...they said im stupid and its not going to happen, its impossible, they kept saying that i needed more time and this vow would be meaningless and they say no one are able to fulfill any vow of such...

i really think i can fulfill it...i really want to let her and everyone know, im different from any others...i want to let her know that im able to fulfill most of my promises to her....i do not know what can i do right now to make myself better other than seeking relieveness by writing it all out in this blog...well after all, she was the purpose of this blog created...

its my choice

things were so screwed up today, mostly everything went wrong...i couldnt find my friend's camera in the morning, having bad headache, my cake screwed up, i was late for badminton, i had even more headache, i was late meeting my friend, i ffk my friend for the second time, i forgot i had something to do tmr and i promised my friend to attend some gathering...what the hell is wrong?

i went to cheras today, to meet my old friend...the moment i reached the toll, everything started to come back, along the way and throughout the time i was on the road, everything in the past was like a flash player...flashes after flashes of her came to picture in my mind one after another...seriously, this is the worst so far...even the previous time i went back there, it wasnt this bad...i seriously had the whole 2 yrs of memories coming back to me for that 4 hours....how can i forget? it has been 7 months already...but then, all those memories i had in the area i went is just craved too deep within me, i was unable to even fight it abit and i just dropped to my knees...alot of things has changed in the area, the houses, the roads, shops and almost everything...and some of them, which i had deep memories of is no longer there...the only thing that hasnt change is me, and my feelings...the same heart broken feeling....the same feelings i had back then whenever i head down to her house...the eagerness of seeing that smile of hers still exists even though its not gonna happen anymore...but what can i bloody do?...she was my choice...i had no one to blame but myself...this is all the consequences of the chosen path that is a must to go through right now...i really wanna leave this place for good and really persue my dream...if i were to stay, its going to be damn hard to achieve what i want...i just hope all my plans works well and i can get out of here for good...and find a brand new life in a brand new place...but then, till now, im still willing to give up every single thing i had now in return of her coming back to me...anything at all...in this world, there is only one person whom i will do anything for at any cost is her, magdeline tan jia wen...and no one else...i dont know when or even whether it will change...but i just really want her to know and see, she is missing out something that really does mean something to her...i just want her to really see what are my feelings for her...BUT SHE WILL NEVER KNOW AND FIND OUT!!! THATS THE SOLID FACT!!!I WILL NEVER EVER MEAN ANYTHING TO HER EVER AGAIN!!!

its my fault

it came, i struggled through each day of it and at last it ended yesterday...the exams for term 5 is finally over, all of us are looking forward to the upcoming 2 weeks holidays where at last, all of us are able to get some rest and feel slightly relieved...

it was kinda stupid night yesterday where it was supposed to be a de-stress session but then it ended up adding more stress to me...but then, at least all of us had fun...but then, i did not truly enjoyed it as i taught i would...i dont know why...it seems that somehow in a way or another, something is missing...nothing to do with anyone or anything, but i just couldnt figure out whats missing there in between...i did all my part as a friend to all of them who came over to my house...and yeah, i do hope all of them are always happy like they seemed to be yesterday...so, at the end of it, what cheered me up was seeing them be happy...

till today, it has been 3 weeks already ever since i received any emails from her...i really wonder, i really wanna know why till today im still being treated as such, as something without any value or importance to her at all...maybe all these while the reason of me going through all these is that it was my fault to love all her wrong doings and faults...isnt that how it is supposed to be when you love someone? arent we supposed to love all the good and bad attributes of a person we truly love? is the only way out to all these and the only way to find all the answers to my questions is to seek it in a new relationship? im doubting it as we never know until we get there...

i shall let go on what has built between us...cuz i know all these while that its only one hand trying to clap...but no matter what, i still wish to see the both of you being able to clap joyfully...cheers to all my friends, thanks for being there for me...anything for you all...

enexpected calls

strangely, today, i received so many unexpected calls and msges from friends nearby to friend whos hundred thousands of miles away...sadly, i do not know what happened to me...something is wrong when i tried to talk to them...i feel something missing there...it has nothing to do with them...but its me...i used to be a good persuader, someone good to talk to when troubled, but it seems that i no longer have the ability of lending an ear and a hand through words to those who seek it...i really want to know why...

i tend to feel and be care-less about myself and the life im having now...i no longer a person who stands firm on my grounds with my own perspective and my own way of doing things, all i does now is just go with the flow...follow suit with what everyone else says or do...i agree with everything others say...maybe its this change in the way i see things and the way i think now made me lose the ability to guide others anymore...because i had nothing great and im in no position to help them or to hear them out as even my own problems, im unable to solve it, all i do is just run away from it, try not to look at it if i can help it...

still, there is some good perspectives towards this change in me...not all is bad, at least, i had more friends that i ever taught i would have...but what if im able to keep all these good attributes but at the same time have my own personality like before...everday life is to revise yourself, to race and compete with yourself so as day to day, you are a better person than you were yesterday...

more to come?

well well well, at long last, tmr is the last day of term 5...the week seemed to feel like months...2 more papers and we are done...we are already planning what are we going to do after the exam tmr and during the holidays...i cant wait for it...the stress mode has somehow lifted...but yet, i still cant afford to make any silly mistakes as it is very costly...but then, now for the 3rd time and still counting, i felt joy and happiness, things are just perfect today...being around with all my friends, i just couldnt feel more wanted and filled with joy and laughter....i really hope this goes on and more and more days filled with true joy till i am unable to count and keep track anymore...but then, sometimes, even when we are happy, we need to look back at the past so that we are able to see how far had we gone forward...

i had dream to chase, a path to walk on and the search of fairy tales continues....

what a pity...

when i had my breakfast this morning, i was glancing at the newspaper and i saw something that ruined my mood for the morning...a 16 year old girl, lai ying xin is abducted, strangled and partially burnt to death...she was bright, beautiful, and generous...i wonder what had she done to deserve such fate...is it that nowadays people just lost their humanity? what the hell is wrong with them....

then my friend msged me, telling me that his 98yr old grandma just passed away yesterday...well, just hope that she left without any pain...

i went to central today, missing the seat, the food and the drinks in strudels, kl sentral...its not that the food is great or anything...its just...something made it special, something made me wanna go back there again and find the feeling that it once brought...that was the last place i went with her...and im quite sure that is going to be the last place i ever go with her....but then, it shocked me, the shop has closed down...i still remember that it was opened 2 years back...when they were renovating the place, i already promised her to bring her there to have apple strudels...but i never brought her there until the day we came back to langkawi...but now, i taught i am able to find back those moments, those feelings there....but looks like im never going to have that chance anymore...everything is lost...nothing can be done...it is just an arrangement of GOD...to make me go down there just to find that it has closed down...but i knew, no matter what, i had to hang on...no matter how harsh the situation is, i cannot fall...there is no allowance for me to make mistakes anymore cuz i had used it all up...i never wanna hurt anyone around me ever again...

well, this just adds to the collection of the regrets in my life....

depletion

thank god, the exam wasnt as bad as i taught it would be...and yeah, luck was there right beside me when im doing the exam...although it wasnt good but then i think its already the best i could possibly do...

when i came back, lying on my bed trying to rest, i looked at the lotion bottle just right beside my bed...it was a birthday gift from her...all these while, i never had the heart to use it, and the reason i put it beside my bed is because, it makes me feel that shes close all the time...but then as everything changed, i refused to move it away...in fact i refused to change one single thing that is related to me and her whether it is on my computer, wallet and everything...cuz to me, i dont want anything to change and i cant find a reason for me to change it anyhow...looking at the lotion, i realised that the volume has gone down, i never used it but yet, the volume decreased...of course it would, it has already been there for a year now...at the moment, i see that once again, with or without you realising it, with or without your approval, with or without your willingness to accept the fact, things around us will continue to change and develop...she might have moved on pretty far from the spot i last knew she was at, but being so naive, till today, i still taught and assume shes still there at the right spot where i last seen her, assuming everything will be the same in a way or another...how long it would take me to grow up and stop being naive? well, destiny awaits...

lucky

i have been lucky all my life...ever since i existed in this world...on the year that i was born, my family shifted to new house, bought new car...i often get the things that i wanted without fail with a way or another...till the day i went to kindergarden, i had all the things...

primary school, i went to the so called good school without any difficulty comapred to my brother's time...i suck in studies, im good for nothing and i never managed to pass my mathematics most of the time, but in the end, when i was standard 4, everything changed, my teacher changed everything, and ever since, my studying history did a sommersault, same goes to standard 5 and then 6, UPSR, no one in my family ever dreamt that i could even get 2As but miraculously, i got 4, its nothing great to brag about but to my family and friends, it was a shock, but to me, it was all luck, luck has been with me all these while...

Secondary school, again, i got in to the so called good school without any difficulties whereby others were trying to change from other schools to mine...again, my results were never good...year by year i got through it each time barely passing...form 3 came...i tried my best, i didnt want to be left out, all my other friends were so good, they were in the first class and all...and PMR will decide whether they will be even further from me or a chance to be closer to them as they are definately going to be in the science classes, i struggled hard, in the end, again, none of my family members would never guessed that i would get such results, i was someone who needs scolding each time during exams unlike my brother and sister, again, luck was with me, i got closer to my friends...and since then, everything kept changing for the better, my results never got this good, form 5 came...although with struggles along the way, luck came by once again to get me through this one more time, i still remember, one week before my SPM, i was studying hard, but theres too much to study, i put those books all away, i closed my eyes and i hoped, i wished that luck will once again help me get through this one more time as this is going to be the last time i will need luck the most in my life, i wished so hard! and once again, LUCK came by, i did the exams fairly well....in the end, the results were a little disappointing to me but its good enough...

college time...without me realising, till today, i find that even during my college times, each time i had exams, luck never didnt leave after all...guiding me through each exam, building my confidence, each time i scraped off fairly well...each time during exams when i tried to study, miraculously, my mind is so flexible, whatever i read, most of it went in to my head...

i just couldnt believe how much luck i had all these years...even the person who reads my palm asked me, do i have people to help me all the time to achieve what i had today? i cant reli recall who did, but then, i think luck was the one who has been my best friend aiding me each time when i had difficulties and help me achive what i want to achieve, realizing my dreams, bringing me to the right path, saved me from hot situations, leading me towards a good life till now...i had so much more compared to my siblings...i really hope that luck will continue to stand by me no matter what happens...cuz no matter how good we are, all the time, 5% of what we does, is LUCK...and i definately say that that 5% helped me alot....throughout these years, i realised one thing, when we are arrogant about something we are good at, we tend to lose them as fast as we had them...maybe it is that arrogance that drives luck away....

well...no matter what, no matter how i wished...nothing can bring back the things that are most precious to me and it will remain as greatest regret of my life...even giving up everything wont be able to turn time around and re-do what has happened...i do miss her alot...i bet she dont even have me in her mind at all right now...but then, this burden is way too hard to be lifted...

pls luck...i cant afford to lose this time...not even one paper...lead me through...i need each and every mark...i dont want to have an additonal collection to the regrets in my life...

everything counts

its a good start off today...but then tmr will be disastrous....FRENCH!!...im just not up to this no matter what, its not my thing...i really wanna give up on this...headache is killing me, the flu is irritating me...yet i cant take the medicine...but no matter what i know i had to go on, i cannot afford to let go even one subject, cuz at the end, it all counts and i dont want to lose that chance again like i did...

people often says that when they are in bad conditions, they will tend to review the good times in the past...i feel so lonely right now, no one to care, no one to ask whats going on, no one to accompany me...im missing the 2 hours of talking on the phone every single day that i used to have...whenever im sick, i will have someone pampering me, be there for me and cheer for me...but now, of all the time, why this week? haih....i just hope that this week quickly ends....but then....even after the exams, i still have loads of things to do and complete before the final term starts...life is never easy....so for those who is very relaxing at the moment, enjoy while you can...haha

got over it?

i just couldnt believe how time flies...its the end of the term, again...i so wanted to study, i so wanted to concentrate...but i just couldnt...from yesterday morning till now...i tried to study and concentrate but nothing goes in...each time i picked the notes up and read them, yes i am reading them but then, my mind was thinking bout something else...my mind kept going back to the flashes of the previous term and worse still, its mid autumn festival today, and those events that happened last year was so deeply carved into my heart where i kept having flashes of them repeatedly...i do not know how many repeats i would need to go through to be able to truly get over it...where everything that happens is just a mere memory, nothing else...

its 14th today...for the past 2 years, when this day of the month arrives, i always feel strange as though i had forgotten something, and most of the time i couldnt figure out whats missing...well today, i do...i still remember, 4 years back, the number 14 means alot to me especially on the 14th of june, the 14th of nov and the 14th of july...it was a special, magical number to me at that time...between me and someone who shared something precious and special with me and it is also someone that i had forgotten and even ignored for the past 2 years...and today, i truly know what i feels to get over someone and certain things...

when will be the next post on the 6th of the month? i can never tell....

the story of the left hand and a hard lived man

im quite sure that theres alot of people out there who heard or read the story of the left hand...if you dont...heres a preface...for those who is right handed, left hand to you is only a sidekick, your right hand does all the job, all the precision and had all the strength compared to your left...all left hand does is the dirty job, helping and coordinating with the right hand and it usually has more scars and cuts than the right...despite being the one behind the screen, left hand still never fails to do its job but all the credit, goes to the right hand as we receive prizes, throphies and even certificates with the right hand...

now, a story of a man who has nothing in his life since young, he has to work hard to earn a living and he has gone through so many hardships life could possibly bring....he has struggled so many years, yet, the day he died, he had nothing but a body full of scars, a heart full of regrets and sorrows...but at least, he is strong physically or mentally, as he is trained in harsh situations throughout his whole life...

what can you see in these two stories?

to me, i only see one similarity, everything is fated, from the day you have decided to have your right hand to be the primary one, the left hand will face the fate of being second forever...same goes to the man, from the day he is born, his destiny has already been decided...no matter how hard he worked, he cannot run or change his fate...even from our own body, we are able to find and understand slightly a little more about life....its a long journey, it takes a lifetime to understand and learn, but even a lifetime is not sufficient...

it can be DIfferENt

its the SECOND time now....i feel joy in my heart once again today...i couldnt believe how things falls into place once again....every single thing that i was worrying about is not an issue anymore....its a day full of satisfaction...great exam, satisfactory marks, conflicts gone, quarrels solved, friends came back, good comments from chef, everything was good....how much better can it possibly get? i just couldnt believe that i could really feel that joy for the second time now...all these while i taught i would never be able to feel happy for a very very long time near future...but then, everything can be done....everything can be different as long as we have decided to want things to be different...how much have i grown? to me, i think i really had grown alot within this year...all that im hoping now is that this situation could stay a little longer before it takes its change once again...just some extra time to be relaxed and time to be prepared for the next change...god is watching over me...everyone around me is as well...thank you all.

the beautiful skies

nothing much about today...just like any other days...there were lots of flashes of the trip to langkawi...somehow, a way or another, it kinda played the scenes of the entire trip from the start of my day...the skies were cloudless and so blue, the sea was refreshing, the wind that blows by the seaside is just so soothing, bringing calm to your entire body, mind and soul...even the sun which is usually hot is warm during that time...i never felt so happy and relaxed in my entire life...but somehow, it wasnt perfect, it is almost perfect, because there is fear within, wanting the time would stop right there for eternity...

during that time, i taught of this and i said this to her...if it wasnt because of the problems and the breakup of the relationship, this trip wouldnt be as fun and as perfect as this with no quarrels and everything was just at its right place...but it has also became something that we both know we will regret for the rest of our lives at that particular time, even today, to me...it has to end...the tree is already dead...but the core of it is still there, still within me...awaiting to be awakened...i wonder, whats next?

a wish within

If i look up at the rainbow, i always sees you...
Theres always seven colors...
Now, i do not see seven colors anymore...
Only mist, and fog...
As time passes by, the world around me changes...
No matter where i search for you within my heart...
You're nowhere to be found...

So I closed my heart, and opened my eyes...
I need to know, If i were to gaze up the sky again...
Will things be different this time?...
Maybe if I were to wish harder, the mist and fog will be cleared...
So i prayed, screaming that wish within my heart and soul...


When you lose one thing...
You gain another, dont you?...
But no matter what, things still confuses us at the end...
And I shall continue looking for the right path of my life...

I miss you, even till this very second...
I do not know how long this will continue...
I do not know whether if I were to gaze at the sky once more, the rainbow I knew will re-appear...
I shall wish, wish and wish for that day to realize...

wealthy

one of my friends called me the day before yesterday to ask me how am i doing lately...i told him i was doing fine and better since he last saw me...but i also told him that emotions and memories still comes back at a certain time of the day...my weekend was really so full...im out the whole day and i did so many things yesterday...

i went to college, went to pastry pro with my friends, played badminton, went for dinner with my parents and then head to the cafe to yam cha with my friends...everything was really good but theres one thing that made me feel uneasy...when i was heading back to klang, i stopped at the traffic light in front of summit, as usual, it takes a few rounds of green before i can exit to the highway, it was a rainy day yesterday, looking at the grey cloudy sky, i realised, no matter how full, busy, enjoying and happy my day is, theres always something missing at the end of it...i remembered very well that before this, at that particular time on every sat, i would just have fetched her home after an outing and at this particular traffic light i would definately call her and talked to her till im out in the highway and happily heading to the badminton court and calling her to tell her i already reached safely...not anymore, i had no one to call anymore in my call list...

what it means by being poor to you? is it that you do not have any money left in your pocket and you couldnt even afford a meal? is that being poor? what if you are rich, you live and eat luxuriously every single day but no one is sitting with you on that dinner table with you? both scenarios has its own side...but to me, i will definately choose to be poor in terms of money but wealthy in terms of love and care...

everything comes from and returns to dust eventually, live a carefree life and learning to let go certain things might lead you to a better and happier life...

nothing to lose

each and every person is unique in their own way...most of the time, when you make friends, especially friends that you are able to get along with or close with will only get closer by time...but not all the time, there is always exceptions...

funny on how things can happen...but i think if you had done what you could and what you should and when you dont feel any guilt when you touch your heart then it is enough...god knows, and you yourself know...because with guilt free conscience, you have nothing to lose...

fearful nights

feelings grow over time...if nothing major goes wrong in any relationship between people, the bond created will only be stronger by time...same goes to the relationship between family members, between friends, between lovers...i can never blame anyone except myself for every single thing that happened...sometimes, the strongest bond between all relationships is friendship...it hardly depletes although you dont see your friends for years or even talk for that matter...too much has happened recently, it is almost like what happens in dramas...in the end, when you least expect it to happen, it happens...i had done what i could...seriously...i dare touch my heart and say, i had done every single thing the best i could for my friends...but in the end, it still comes to this point...i have nothing to say...and from now on, i couldnt do anything anymore...maybe leaving everything behind is the best option i had...starting all over again...in a brand new place...

does anyone out there knows how lonely a person can possibly feel? i cant say i have been through it all...but i know how it feels when you are starting to lose every single person around you...your friends are tired of your petty stories, your family already done whatever they could, you cant sleep although your tired, your afraid to close your eyes cuz what you see is endless darkness...in the end, you do go to sleep, but all you had is nightmares, not just nightmare but nightmares...ever experienced having multiple similar nightmares in every 2 hours when you sleep? the dream is all the same...people betray you, people leave you no matter what you do or beg, at the end of it, you in nowhere, alone...and you get up from it, looked around you, its all pitched dark, with no one beside you, with no one you can call in your phone book....you went back to sleep and the cycle happened over and over again...i had been through that moments for 3 months back there...i remember theres one night i had 4 nightmares in a row in every 1 hour...its nothing about resting, its about having flashes of what you feared most in your life...and now, its coming back...i feel so lonely and empty even when im standing in a place so crowded with people, all you wanna do is just run away, you dont wanna care about one single thing anymore but just end everything...leave everything behind...i wanna stop this feeling ever coming back...but i just dont know what i can do...

happy ending

sometimes when we look back...there are lots of regrets in our lives...we feel sad, we wished we could turn back time, we wished that we could have a second chance, we wished we had the opportunity but then it is all these regrets from the past makes our lives the way it is today, in a way or another, a unique path of life of our very own...10 or 20 years down the road, it is all going to be all these regrets that we embrace and remembers it till the day we leave everything behind that is going to perfect our lives ahead, pictures and lessons that we have been through to be able to cope with matters in life ahead of us, a way to tell ourselves, appreciate what we have and what we are about to have...

happy ending only appears in the fairy tales...they are told to those who were young, but why? yes, it makes them happy but it definately gives them the wrong idea of what real life is all about...those happy ending stories are all lies...every matter has both sides, even this....if those kids were never been told all these fake fairy tales stories, when they meet obstacles and difficulties in life, they never truly learn...

same thing goes to love and relationships, forever love does not exist!...be realistic...how can you forever love a person where you yourself could not even live forever...yet, there are ways where you are able to do that, but only partially of what it really is...sometimes, it is also because of us being naive when we truly felt and know what love is all about at the beginning of our lives, when we lose it, then we are able to know and learn how it goes and it prepares us for a journey far ahead that takes a lifetime if not forever...

appreciate

whenever i see or hear about stories where 2 people who loves each other is forcefully seperated either by parents or even taken away by death, i wonder how pain would that feel? is that pain as painful or even more painful that what i had been feeling? i really want to know...alot of people told me that those feeling are even worse than what i felt...i dont believe them...because, at the very least, no matter what happened, they are able to tell themselves that the other half is still waiting, still loving, still caring and still crying for them...and i still think that crying yourself where the other person dont give a damn is even more hurtful than anything...

theres this phrase where the old folks used to say, when you lose something and got it back after some struggle, you tend to appreciate it more than anything before that...it is true!...because the moment you lost it, you will get to know how important it is to you and how much it means to you...and when you are given a second chance to rewind things, you will know the right thing to do and appreciate...at this hour, i couldnt help but wish that i could have that second chance to appreciate what i had lost...i just hope that im given a chance to do what is right and mend what has broken and build a stronger bond than before...but...it is just on my side...one hand cannot clap, things never work in one way...one way ticket is ticket---to nowhere...