love ultimatum

love and trust, it comes together and it cannot be separated...here is a story of the betrayal of both...

this young couple, shaun and michelle has dated each other since high school and eventually, as time goes by, they moved to college and then entered the working life...michelle is just an ordinary girl, working as a manager in a small restaurant and shaun is a chef in a 5 star hotel...all these while, they had been through so many hard times together and together they fought through so many crisis in terms of their relationship, family and friends...their love for each other has come to a state where an understanding occur between the both of them as there is no need for words or actions to tell that they love and need each other, they just know it in their hearts...no matter what hit them, their relationshis were unharmed, hearts so strongly bound together...

one day, as shaun fetches michelle home after dinner, he told her a news which he was very excited and happy about...he said, "i received an offer to go to france to move on further in my career and this is definately a golden oppurtunity where i just cannot miss"...michelle replied, "i...see...but wouldnt there be any room for further advancement of your career here?, are you really willing to leave everything behind?"...shaun quickly intercepts, "of course the outcome of it would be very different if i were to go to france and i was expecting you to come with me and besides you, basically theres nothing much that is holding me back"...michelle then said, " but...its so sudden...going to france with you means i would be leaving behind my job, family and friends here...and...i think i really need time to think about it...but its not that i does not want to go with you, its just, there is complications to it that needs meticulous consideration"... the conversation between that night ended there...

in the end, out of sudden change in plan, shaun need to leave next week or the deal will be off and michelle still couldnt make any solid decision yet and as time pushes in to the limit, shaun then decided to give michelle the remaining time to think about the decision carefully and he would be waiting for her in the airport on that dat and he was sure that michelle's decision was to go with him...as that awaited day came by...shaun was eagerly waiting for michelle...and here she is, tapping his his shoulder from his back...she was lost for words when he turned and looked at her... and all he sees is tears...she couldnt say anything buy crying, helding a glass bottle containing hundreds of cranes and each of it containing her wishes for him...in the end, as it is time for shaun to board the plane...all michelle said to shaun is, "best wishes from me to you, always..." and in shaun went after kissing her on her forehead...

after shaun reaches france, he was so into his work and carreer and he had almost no time to even contact her in any way except a few emails in a year...each day, michelle is missing shaun, hoping shaun would understand and wishes that he has everything he was after...true enough, shaun was a person who takes on his career seriously and love was secondary to him...

after 5 long years, michelle is still missing shaun dearly each day...re-reading his previous mails over and over again, it has been a whole year now that shaun did not send her a word at all...one day, she was walking around the mall and he saw a guy which looks like shaun from the back...she taught that it is impossible to be him...but curiosity drove her forward and have a better look....surprisingly, it was really shaun....and...he was not alone...he was with someone else...michelle asked him whether they can have a talk together....and shaun agreed...

after shaun told her what actually happened, michelle was once again lost with words...she stood up and walked away....tears rolling down her cheek, her heart was being pierced of thousand of needles...the truth is that before shaun left for france, he already had an affair with this girl...but then, all the thing he went through with michelle couldnt be forgotten therefore he made his decision to accept the offer to france just to give this relationship another chance to start all over again in the new environment...but as michelle did not agree to go with him...in the end, it was the girl that went with him and the fact that they had been together for 5 years now and this time the purpose of coming back here is that they are getting married...

so, this is where the story ends...from this story...all i can see is that love, relationship, memories all consists of lies...in this world, how many can actually find true love and true happiness?...how can we actually have faith in love as there is nothing there that is worth our faith and hope?...i would never know how my story would end and all i could do is just hope that it doesnt end this way...

where i am?

during these 4 days break...it was so boring, not much progress on the work that is supposed to be done...trying to find activities and plans everyday...till today, its the last day of break and after today, its gonna be straight all the way till finals...today was supposed to be fun, i taught...but at the end of it, i realised that i am not myself...totally not myself at all!...im going through each day and doing things that i makes me such a different person than i was...all these while, i knew i changed alot...i taught that change is normal and that change is for the good...it is true that now, i miss lesser things around me than before...but i had also came to realise, i had changed in every possible way...

till today, i found that all these changes, is transforming me to such a different person and it is getting me out of the right track...even me myself, i am worried about all these changes that had taken place...i need to stop all these...search for my true self once again...or else, i really have no idea of where i could end up in when i couldnt stop it anymore...

stillness of mind

alot of events has taken place today...and a long nice ride on the streets is just absolutely great as always...i always tell myself and others that who i am now is someone much better than who i were before this...but then, there are certain things that i really need to work on, something that is literally hard to change...people change for many reasons and in terms of temper, i need to find just the right source for that change...

the emptiness is within me, conquering me since yesterday...i think when we least expect something, it will come to it, its more like a cycle whereby if you chase profusely after it, the distance of you and the thing that you were chasing did not close in abit but if you were to expect less and be stationary, things that you werent expecting will come from your back just like a total cycle...

once again, i see something in someone today which i did not expect i would...but this time, i took control of the situation, i knew that stillness of mind is essential to keep myself out of trouble...which in the end, turns out to be much more rewarding...maybe this is life afterall...if we are able to think and act as rationally as we can all the time, our paths will be much more easier that way...tonight, the fog has cleared abit and i can see my vision ahead and what must and needs to be done...until the next storm hits, i shall just take advantage of this clear sky tonight...

i still believes that happiness will somehow find its way to me...a way or another, its just a matter of time...faith in myself is what i really need...determination and patience is also essential for everything that i hoped for to realize...well, at last, 2 steps back but at least, now, its 1 step forward...

needs to slow down

recently, so many events were going on, things coming in and out...and again, my ability of handling and taking things are challenged once again and today, i evaluated myself and i find, i am putting myself much higher than i was supposed to be and the way i take things is just too loosely and again i had repeated the mistake i made half a year ago...i am going at a very fast pace and which it is definately a very bad sign and it is time to slow down...reinstate my way of thinking and taking things before i lose myself again...

hapiness is really something that comes to you but not asked...so im wondering, when will that day come...hahaha...days are happier than before...which is definately a great sign...

messages from the soul

is it possible that we are constantly receiving messages from our inner self or soul? research has shown that yes, each day when we are sleeping, averagely we will be having a dream in 90 minutes so if we were to sleep for 8 hours a day, most probably we will be having 5 dreams per night...but what is and why do we dream?

according to a research done why a metaphysics institute, dreams is a form of communication from our inner self and soul to our awakened state in the form of scenes which might or not relate to our lives...it is believed that our inner self and soul has existed for thousands of years until our present life and it has knowledge and truths beyond our imaginations and so far none of the scientists are able to prove of how true is this ability of human beings in receving messages and knowledge from our souls...

i dreamt about her again, before this, i taught that dreaming about her is just a mere cause of anxiety and nothing more...but i was really curious till i searched for the reasons that why human beings dream while sleeping and what it means...in a way, the report that i read, sounds so ridiculous...but then, if my soul within me is trying to indicate and acknowledge me about something, then the next question to me is when will that happen...each and every dream i had about her from the beginning was, she came back to me, we chose to forget everything that happened and start anew...its all the same, just that it is in different scenes...is my soul trying to tell me that it can happen one day, all i had to do now is do what needs to be done at this point of life the best i could...i dont really know...i believed the report because, it adds seeds of hope in me...

how about fairy tales this time?

lets change a view for a bit this time...fairy tales, and my tales...i just realised that on my shelf of books, i can actually see the progress of my life from young...even when i was very young, i am always fascinated with fairy tales, magic, mystical creatures, something out of this world that dont exist, something extraordinary which only appears in dreams and your wildest imaginations...from enid blyton to msytery stories, from mystery stories to harry potter and all sorts of story books that has something to do with dragons, magical world and a world that can never exist...

and with this, i have tried searching for an answer of any research or surveys online regarding what kind of a person i am by judging from the books i read or i like, but so far none...but then one thing is sure, i like to be different, i like to know something that is bizarre even they dont exist, something that you can never believe like magic, and things which is mysterious where i can never rest till i find out what the truth is...little did i know about what happy endings are like, therefore, to a certain point of age, im very curious about what it is all about, finally, i got a taste of it, but yet, never truly able to experience it to the full length...the search continues, desperate to know and to find out, believing that anything is possible, everything can end like a fairy tale...then, after once, after twice, after third time, i finally found it...and from there, i got to learn and know what love is all about and i taught, it is not that hard after all, everything is within my control...but then i had also came to know that, nothing is that simple, afterall i was just being too naive...

sometimes, when people talked to me about it, not one word is taken in...maybe it was because, during and after the whole process, i had came to know too many truths, too many theories about all these...and not one of it has not been used as an immediate antidote to make me feel better but none of it so far has lasted long...none is an eternal remedy where it can take it all off in just one swing...

what is the happiness of life is all about? what is the fun and the purpose of life afterall?...its so subjective and debatable...and yet, each angle of its subjectivity has the angle of truth within it...

unexpected gains

today, the sky is really so clear, and the night does not seem to be as dark as it supposed to be...i wonder why...but i aint searching for an answer scientifically, but an answer which only has its truth for me...to me, tonight, something is telling me that, even as dark as the night can be, there are days where it is much darker and days which are much clearer, just, like today...everything and every cycle in life has its ups and downs...

feeling such pain within, i taught it was going to be such a bad and long night with works to be done...well, something unexpected happened...i watched a clip, a 3 minutes clip...it was a clip where such a sweet song were playing and pictures of a couple were playing...that song and the pictures were sweet, but to me, so painful, each tune of the music, each word heard, each scene of the clip just slices through my heart...all i wanted to do is just go home, get back to my room...

i sat there, wondering, 10 years down my journey of life, where would i be, who would i be and how things are going to be like for me at that time...then i realised, love, is really just a chapter of life, yes!, it is essential, it is a must have it in our lives, to fill in the gaps in our lives...although it might take a large portion to certain people,even to me...but tonight, for that moment, i am able to gain an insight of understanding and seeing that other things in life might not mean so much but that is when i looked at 1 thing, but when various essential parts in our lives are put together, it actually takes a much larger portion than love and family itself....without them, there is no place for the existance of love and family...somehow, a way or another, tonight's gain from the insight i had had put me slightly back to the track, and i know what i should do for right now at least....

to get to wherever i would be in the future, it all depends on my doings now...we really do not know what will come next but i can be quite sure, i can be as happy as the couple in the clip if not happier...and the couple, which happens to be someone close...someone whom i really wanted to be all these while...

incomparable

the trip to cameron was such a boring one, if it wasnt for the strawberries and the weather, its a waste of time going there...well, this trip, reminds me of so many things, reminds me so much of her...

this trip does not at all feels the same as i would last time...there is a huge gap within my heart when i was there, i couldnt really feel the fun at all...as usual, my phone was not as busy as it was...seeing so many things to buy, happiness was washed away as soon as it came, who can i buy those things for? those things i was looking at and interested in was all the things that SHE loves, i like them because SHE likes them...in the end, i just walked away, buying nothing at all and ended up receiving blasts in my heart and i kept telling myself that it is ok, everything is over and everything will be alright but in the end, nothing seems to be right for me...each and every place i went in cameron, i had a feeling, a strange feeling, i remembered that she went there with her family last year, so, each place i went to, i was imagining, how she reacted and how happy she was when she was last in that particular place...i had such a short memory power, things i read, things i learnt, things i encountered, will not be able to stay for more than a week or so but anything related to her is like carved within me, cannot be erased...

i really do miss her alot even now, 8 months closing in, still, i couldnt say that my love for her has depleted even a bit...she is just someone irreplaceable, impossible to find someone like her ever again...now matter how my heartbreaks, i will still be here, till god knows when, missing her, thinking of her, hoping and wishing that everything goes well for her...

question answered

the question that arises a week ago already have an answer, that was not even a path, or an exit through the recovery process...to me, i think it is just a stepping stone to move a little further as i am way before schedule...here i am, back to square one but this time, the edges are way stronger...and now, so far, for the second time i have realised, no one is able to replace her position, no one is able to offer what she gave me back then...the path to serenity is getting really really near...i can see it, and the next few finishing steps, i cant afford any mistakes...i wonder, what will it be, to be totally out of this...im sure it really feels good...^^

deux ans

2 years, is neither a short time nor as long as it sounds...but 730 days is quite a number of days, within those 730 days, there were sweeteness, bitterness and sometimes sour as well...the decision made definately moved me forward...just sometimes, when certain things encountered which relates to her, i couldnt help but to think back, it puts a smile on my face, although the pain it usually causes is already starting to get numb but yet, it still twitches...

today, tonight, i was thinking, imagining, what if one day in near future, she was single once again, and i were to go after her, the proper way, everything is restarted, we get to know each other once again from zero.......i really wonder, how would it be, how would i feel and what will be my mood at that particular time...i just couldnt imagine how happy i would be if that happens...hoping is what keeps us going, although things might not always turn out to be the way we want or expect it to but then, it is that hope that will just improve things bit by bit...but we never know until we get there...

i will be right infront, looking back at those memories, keeping that little hope within me that you would come calling for me from the back once again, helding out your hand, reaching mine...i will be who i am, persue my dreams, awaiting, for an unfinished story....je t'aime pour toujours, magdeline tan jia wen...

it is a process

everything that happens in our lives, things got on and off our lives, people that appeared and walked out of our lives is all a process of living life...sadness had to be fought through to know what happiness is all about...to appreciate happiness we had, we had to find it during the hard times...

no matter what, we have to be brave...we cannot forever dwell in our dreams...we can refresh all the bad times over and over again...but one day, we still have to get up and walk on...move on...i cant say that i have fully walked through it...but i took out all the courage i had...i stepped out of it...and all i find, is a whole new world, a whole new discovery of myself...

maybe i wasnt ready for all this yet...not now at least...if i were to get into it again...everything will be given and everything will be offered...in the end, i will only live for others, lose out on my own life...so? what will i get at the end of it?....basically, nothing much....i dont want that to happen anymore...i will have a life about only me, myself and i...but the memories of her remains...just...a mere memory...unforgetable....cannot be erased...

embracing the beauty of the past

i guess most of you out there who gave in everything for love agree with me that the most beautiful love is when you embrace all the sweet and good memories and forget the bad ones even when it is all over...i did not think i would get to this point in saying these...all i wanted to do before this is to live in the past, hide in the shadows but then when i started to step out of it slowly, i see that, the view from the front, looking back, embracing the past, is the most beautiful angle of viewing it...

missing what you had back there is definately normal but to know whether you truly understand the cause and effect of the whole incident is when you look back at it, it puts a smile on your face, missing it, but not wanting or forcing it back anymore...what was in the past, will never come back...but whether or not it will continue, no one knows, but to allow that chance and the possibility of it happening, is to first let it go...

you gave me the happiest memories and times i ever had in my whole entire 20 years of life...and thinking of your face will always put that smile on my face, that one and only unique smile...i miss you...and all i want now is you having everything you wanted and living a happier life than i do...i will always be here, praying for you, stand by you, no matter what comes next...this promise, will never fade...

lightened path

first of all, i really wanna thank you for your words of wisdom, nick...thanks alot bro...i have not logged into my account for a few days in a row already but today, when i saw those words, i could just say, yes! those words lightened my path even more... its better to have disappoinments in life rather than not live it at all and without hope, there is no life...

i used the word life and live loosely in my posts, but the truth is, i can never really define or tell what life is all about and what is the right way to live our lives...i guess, no one in this world are able to have the definition to it...

my heart has lighten so much these 3 days...i truly do not know what destiny will bring next...and once again...i felt something special, my heart finally beats again...the burden behind my back has lighten so much, and i never felt so alive for months...each day right now, i felt the happiness and every laughter of mine comes right from the heart...looks like, whatever you guys has been telling me for the past 7 months is nothing but the truth, well, i really do have to apologise as my vision was fogged by so many things, so many illusions of the past, and you really have to get there to see and feel how is it like to be there, and now, i see clearer than ever before...

theres a question in my heart which im desperately searching for an answer to it...i really wonder, is the the right path, the right exit to all these or is this a game, something that needs to be repeated on me so i could understand and learn further? i really want to know...i know this is not the right time and i guess the best thing to do now is to keep the stillness of mind no matter what happens, this is the only way to protect myself...

meanings of our lives are searched

i taught that after she had left, i would never find fun and excitement in my life in near future...i have almost no interest towards anyone or anything at all, and everyday, im just doing things for the sake of doing it and nothing more...

the meanings and excitements in our lives dont just pop up out of a sudden but must be discovered by our own through long journeys which sometimes might contain sorrows and pain...but be less assured, happiness can be found if you WANT to find it...and it will come to you if you believe the truth of it once more...nothing is certain yet nothing is impossible...

what more could i have asked? well, higher hopes will only brings deeper disappointments...

nothing much

it was the first day of the final term...time really does fly, for people who dont realise this, they probably had wasted lots of their precious time, just like me...days goes by one after another, but then to me, hmmm, i didnt seem to have moved as far as i should with time...everything is happening too fast and during the period where i couldnt adapt to the change, i stopped there but time did not stop along with me...so, if i were to continue to waste each and every of my day this way, i will most probably end up with nothing at the end of my life...

it is time to really fight for what i wanted all these while and now the time is here...right when i step into the college area, i knew, no matter how painful or hard this is going to be, i had to give in my very best shot, or else, everything will be too late and i will definately regret if i dont...

i had so much to share, but then i guess every single person around me had enough of this...so....lets put on the shields and armour...here we go...the final showdown to see how much do i truly worth...

never mine

happiness wont come by force...so, no matter how i want it to stay, it wont...from day one, i never truly had her heart, but when the time where i truly own her heart, i never appreciate it, and in the end, when i no longer have a stand in her heart, i forced my position to be maintained there...

right now, i really cant see the point of all these...life is just all about twisting around...you can never know when is the next sharp turn ahead...whether your ready or not, life goes on...

i have no option right now, but the only option i had now is to live with those memories she left me with, although there would be no continuation to it but at least she did not take all those memories away from me...although its not going to be enough to fill that empty space, but at least theres something there rather than nothing at all...

cold hilltop

theres a limit to how much emotions we can hold within us...theres alot of factors that affect our emotions...to me, not one second, not one thing, not one word that i say or anything i see or hear that i cannot relate it to her...i forced myself to let go, forced myself to leave the path, tried so hard to draw the line between me and her...but thus far, i didnt really make any progress at all...

each day, all that i feel is just like me sitting on top of a cold hilltop alone, overlooking those memories from the top, tears rolling down my cheek, gazing at the moon, praying hard for her, missing her...

1001 words

in this blog, to this date, there are more than 1001 words that had been written to describe every single thing to emotions and to incidents that happened 7 months ago till today...so much had been described, so much had been written down, they often say words never fails to express emotions, but then, to me, today, right now, i just feel that words had failed me and i dont know how to describe anymore already with words...what can be put into words has been already been put into words, till now, i can say nothing more to express how am i feeling right now at this moment...

theres not one thing i do in my life right now that doesnt remind me of her...how am i to go on like this? till when can i go on like this? i really cant help myself, i really cant move on no matter how long it is from now or how hard i am going to try...those times will never ever come back...but i wont leave this path...never...

empty, empty, empty...

driving down each and every road,
theres not one second your not in my mind,
theres not one place that dont reminds me of you,
everything has been done,
every effort has been taken,
still, i couldnt get you out of my heart,
till now, all i know is not matter what,
your existance in my heart can never be diminished...

each day im living in dreams,
dreams made up by you and me,
and all im doing each day,
is, loving you,
loving you through every bit of memories you had left me with...