finishing line

in this blog, it has almost a hundred posts now and thousands of words...the purpose of it was not at all me...the purpose of it, is for her and the wound she had left me with...every single thing that can be said has already been said...it is really time for it to come to an end...but then it doesnt mean that it is totally gone...i came to understand if i were to continue writing posts so frequently, it will be only harder for me to let it down...

when i went to the temple on sat, i see lots of people who is willing to sit there and listen to the talk, im very curious...there were middle aged people and also young ones...i wonder, what attracted them here and what makes them interested in sitting there for 8 hours listening to buddhism talk...i realised one similarity among them...they look troubled...we are all egoistic human beings...we taught we are everything...when we are in good and happy times, we then had a bloated head and think that we are larger than life and nothing can bring you down and you do not need to care bout anything other than your own happiness and well being...but when something bad hit us hard to the point where you have no solution to it and no one to turn to, then you will be humble and seek for help for the peace of mind from the almighty and the temple or churches or whatever it is...the reason of why they are there and being so patient listening to the talk is that they know they have no other solution and they know that it is a place where they can get peace in mind and heart and from there they had their pillar of strength once again to lean on...and me...i was one of them...

to a point, i felt i was superior compared to them...i do not know why i felt that way but then i couldnt help it...and i felt that they are so naive to seek solutions from the temple or the priests...they think by attending it and listening to them attentively and doing whatever they said will then make their life change 180 degrees and get whatever they wished...to me, i went there because i was troubled but i do know it is not a place of solutions for everything in life...i went there to find peace...peace in heart and mind so that i am able to clear my troubles for a moment and be able to make right and rational decisions....god cannot help you make decisions or do things for you or solve everything for you because it is your life...and problems and obstacles in life is part of your life and it is pre-destinied by god from the day you are born to this world so dont expect that by seeking god's help will get you trough everything...

truths and solutions are always in your hands and right in front of your eyes, all you need is to look properly...im trying really hard to do everything the best i could in the right rational way...i really hope my path ahead will be clearer this way...it is all enough...i really do think what i did for her is more than enough...i know, she knows and god knows that i owe her nothing else and i did my best for her already...it is time to frame it all up deep down in my heart...i will be taking this frame out from time to time to look at but only with a smile on my face...in fact, i should really thank her for giving me such a great time and memories back then...and also because of what happened, it changed me so much and made me who i am today...still...this is gonna be the last time...i love her so much, as much as i could possibly love a person...

free

it was totally a blast yesterday and probably one of the worst day i had in months before...still, i did not give up things that needs to be done today, eventhough it was so hard, i hanged on to what i was doing...i spent my day doing what i would usually have my full concentration to it, cooking...no doubt that in between, there were pauses where i felt like my heart is doing multiple sommersaults within...i pressed on, continue doing what i am doing....in the end, everything turned out the way it should be and in fact i finished much faster and better then any of the times before...the mood to eat is just not there....but well, at least my family appreciated them...within me, boredom took over me almost from the start of my day but after dinner, unexpectedly i had plans to at least hang out with my friends...and while i was driving i reviewed those things i read in the book, even you feel sad, as long as you are willing to carve that smile to your face regardless how hard is it and as long as you made an effort to it, the pain will somehow be lifted bit by bit...

it is very true that no matter what promises made, no matter what is said or no matter what she is doing or going to do has nothing to with me at all, not even a bit of it concerns me and anything about me has nothing to do with her as well and she too is never gonna know whats happening and how am i feeling right now...she is in her own path with her own life and me with my own....i tried to somehow linked mine to her all these while, but then it never work even once...so actually, if i were to continue dwelling in the past, probably there is going to be no end to it and i am never going to be happy and never going to truly move on with my life, ever....letting go, forget everything, keep everything that has anything to do with her within, embrace those happy moments but yet remembering the pain it brought can actually make me feel so free like never before...actually, that test i had gone through yesterday is not over yet and today, i think i didnt fail that test, in fact, i know im moving much closer to getting full marks, its just a matter of time and the practice of mind....but yes....i will never forget you....

trigger

my day today is similar to having a walk in one of the former battlefields where hidden bombs are buried underneath and every step of mine could be the last...all these while i had been trying so hard...i taught everything were slowing down already...in fact it did...but the news today hit me so hard where from that second where that sentence registered in my head, my heart were pounding so hard till now...anything but this...i already let go of most of the things, trying to have a life of mine once again just like 3 years ago but this news today was just the trigger of everything where every single thing i tried to lock away just exploded all over my mind...i dont know what will be next, i do not have the power over what is next and i dont wanna know as well...and right now at this moment, i just hope that she has everything that she has been asking for and even though its stupid but i still do want her to be happy in any way possible...its a great test today on how far am i...and i failed but i didnt fail as bad as i did months ago...i will hang on no matter how hard it is gonna be but then if shes down there for me, eventhough it might be a sea of flames, i am going to willingly enter it...i still trust that god has great plans for me...

hen or egg first?

there is alot of things in our lives that cannot be explained and has no answer to it no matter how you were to twist and turn the matter...the question of whichever comes first or which was the cause of what comes next can go on endlessly...i came to realize that in looking at a certain matter especially when problems or obstacles in life arises, we often seek for the cause of it, the problem and try to solve the problem...but when it comes to matters which can be very complicated such as relationships between family, love and even friends we sometimes are unable to find the way out just like i do...it is because that the root of the problem cannot be found therefore there is no direct remedy to it...till an hour ago, i realised that whatever happened 8 months ago, i do not truly know what was the cause of it and which comes after which...was the bond between us changed at first? was the lack of time for her the cause? was the lacking of communication be the start of the problem? or was it that the presence of someone else the trigger to all these? i really cant tell and it is just like the hen or egg first question....no answer to it....stability of mind constantly is not easy to achieve, but trying and practicing it would still benefit you...

strange...

such a strange feeling i had today...the feeling of loneliness, emptiness is not there anymore but the feeling of insufficient time is there, for the first time i had felt that time is too short for me, time is not enough for me to be around with people whom i used to spend my time with...i guess this is another chapter of life...in order to move on to the next stage, certain things needs to be left behind in order to make space for new things to come...i really have no idea where i would end up in a year's time but then i definately will have a life more to myself and not living for others anymore...

everyone around me is able to find their happiness and their goals in life which i am very very happy about...and looking at them makes me wonder, how would mine be and when would it come to me? my goal and my dream never changed since i was 14 and although to some people it seemed childish but then, to me, although it might seem simple...it is not necessarily easy to secure that dream...and i dont even know whether that dream are able to realize in my chapters of life...but im sure im not gonna be anywhere too far away from it...appreciate precious moments with the ones dearly to you is my short term goal now or else, i wouldnt know when would the next chance be...cheers to you guys~~~!