in this blog, it has almost a hundred posts now and thousands of words...the purpose of it was not at all me...the purpose of it, is for her and the wound she had left me with...every single thing that can be said has already been said...it is really time for it to come to an end...but then it doesnt mean that it is totally gone...i came to understand if i were to continue writing posts so frequently, it will be only harder for me to let it down...
when i went to the temple on sat, i see lots of people who is willing to sit there and listen to the talk, im very curious...there were middle aged people and also young ones...i wonder, what attracted them here and what makes them interested in sitting there for 8 hours listening to buddhism talk...i realised one similarity among them...they look troubled...we are all egoistic human beings...we taught we are everything...when we are in good and happy times, we then had a bloated head and think that we are larger than life and nothing can bring you down and you do not need to care bout anything other than your own happiness and well being...but when something bad hit us hard to the point where you have no solution to it and no one to turn to, then you will be humble and seek for help for the peace of mind from the almighty and the temple or churches or whatever it is...the reason of why they are there and being so patient listening to the talk is that they know they have no other solution and they know that it is a place where they can get peace in mind and heart and from there they had their pillar of strength once again to lean on...and me...i was one of them...
to a point, i felt i was superior compared to them...i do not know why i felt that way but then i couldnt help it...and i felt that they are so naive to seek solutions from the temple or the priests...they think by attending it and listening to them attentively and doing whatever they said will then make their life change 180 degrees and get whatever they wished...to me, i went there because i was troubled but i do know it is not a place of solutions for everything in life...i went there to find peace...peace in heart and mind so that i am able to clear my troubles for a moment and be able to make right and rational decisions....god cannot help you make decisions or do things for you or solve everything for you because it is your life...and problems and obstacles in life is part of your life and it is pre-destinied by god from the day you are born to this world so dont expect that by seeking god's help will get you trough everything...
truths and solutions are always in your hands and right in front of your eyes, all you need is to look properly...im trying really hard to do everything the best i could in the right rational way...i really hope my path ahead will be clearer this way...it is all enough...i really do think what i did for her is more than enough...i know, she knows and god knows that i owe her nothing else and i did my best for her already...it is time to frame it all up deep down in my heart...i will be taking this frame out from time to time to look at but only with a smile on my face...in fact, i should really thank her for giving me such a great time and memories back then...and also because of what happened, it changed me so much and made me who i am today...still...this is gonna be the last time...i love her so much, as much as i could possibly love a person...
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