ThePathToSerenity

finishing line

2008-11-17T01:16:00.002+08:00

in this blog, it has almost a hundred posts now and thousands of words...the purpose of it was not at all me...the purpose of it, is for her and the wound she had left me with...every single thing that can be said has already been said...it is really time for it to come to an end...but then it doesnt mean that it is totally gone...i came to understand if i were to continue writing posts so frequently, it will be only harder for me to let it down...

when i went to the temple on sat, i see lots of people who is willing to sit there and listen to the talk, im very curious...there were middle aged people and also young ones...i wonder, what attracted them here and what makes them interested in sitting there for 8 hours listening to buddhism talk...i realised one similarity among them...they look troubled...we are all egoistic human beings...we taught we are everything...when we are in good and happy times, we then had a bloated head and think that we are larger than life and nothing can bring you down and you do not need to care bout anything other than your own happiness and well being...but when something bad hit us hard to the point where you have no solution to it and no one to turn to, then you will be humble and seek for help for the peace of mind from the almighty and the temple or churches or whatever it is...the reason of why they are there and being so patient listening to the talk is that they know they have no other solution and they know that it is a place where they can get peace in mind and heart and from there they had their pillar of strength once again to lean on...and me...i was one of them...

to a point, i felt i was superior compared to them...i do not know why i felt that way but then i couldnt help it...and i felt that they are so naive to seek solutions from the temple or the priests...they think by attending it and listening to them attentively and doing whatever they said will then make their life change 180 degrees and get whatever they wished...to me, i went there because i was troubled but i do know it is not a place of solutions for everything in life...i went there to find peace...peace in heart and mind so that i am able to clear my troubles for a moment and be able to make right and rational decisions....god cannot help you make decisions or do things for you or solve everything for you because it is your life...and problems and obstacles in life is part of your life and it is pre-destinied by god from the day you are born to this world so dont expect that by seeking god's help will get you trough everything...

truths and solutions are always in your hands and right in front of your eyes, all you need is to look properly...im trying really hard to do everything the best i could in the right rational way...i really hope my path ahead will be clearer this way...it is all enough...i really do think what i did for her is more than enough...i know, she knows and god knows that i owe her nothing else and i did my best for her already...it is time to frame it all up deep down in my heart...i will be taking this frame out from time to time to look at but only with a smile on my face...in fact, i should really thank her for giving me such a great time and memories back then...and also because of what happened, it changed me so much and made me who i am today...still...this is gonna be the last time...i love her so much, as much as i could possibly love a person...

free

2008-11-10T00:57:00.002+08:00

it was totally a blast yesterday and probably one of the worst day i had in months before...still, i did not give up things that needs to be done today, eventhough it was so hard, i hanged on to what i was doing...i spent my day doing what i would usually have my full concentration to it, cooking...no doubt that in between, there were pauses where i felt like my heart is doing multiple sommersaults within...i pressed on, continue doing what i am doing....in the end, everything turned out the way it should be and in fact i finished much faster and better then any of the times before...the mood to eat is just not there....but well, at least my family appreciated them...within me, boredom took over me almost from the start of my day but after dinner, unexpectedly i had plans to at least hang out with my friends...and while i was driving i reviewed those things i read in the book, even you feel sad, as long as you are willing to carve that smile to your face regardless how hard is it and as long as you made an effort to it, the pain will somehow be lifted bit by bit...

it is very true that no matter what promises made, no matter what is said or no matter what she is doing or going to do has nothing to with me at all, not even a bit of it concerns me and anything about me has nothing to do with her as well and she too is never gonna know whats happening and how am i feeling right now...she is in her own path with her own life and me with my own....i tried to somehow linked mine to her all these while, but then it never work even once...so actually, if i were to continue dwelling in the past, probably there is going to be no end to it and i am never going to be happy and never going to truly move on with my life, ever....letting go, forget everything, keep everything that has anything to do with her within, embrace those happy moments but yet remembering the pain it brought can actually make me feel so free like never before...actually, that test i had gone through yesterday is not over yet and today, i think i didnt fail that test, in fact, i know im moving much closer to getting full marks, its just a matter of time and the practice of mind....but yes....i will never forget you....

trigger

2008-11-08T17:07:00.002+08:00

my day today is similar to having a walk in one of the former battlefields where hidden bombs are buried underneath and every step of mine could be the last...all these while i had been trying so hard...i taught everything were slowing down already...in fact it did...but the news today hit me so hard where from that second where that sentence registered in my head, my heart were pounding so hard till now...anything but this...i already let go of most of the things, trying to have a life of mine once again just like 3 years ago but this news today was just the trigger of everything where every single thing i tried to lock away just exploded all over my mind...i dont know what will be next, i do not have the power over what is next and i dont wanna know as well...and right now at this moment, i just hope that she has everything that she has been asking for and even though its stupid but i still do want her to be happy in any way possible...its a great test today on how far am i...and i failed but i didnt fail as bad as i did months ago...i will hang on no matter how hard it is gonna be but then if shes down there for me, eventhough it might be a sea of flames, i am going to willingly enter it...i still trust that god has great plans for me...

hen or egg first?

2008-11-05T22:42:00.002+08:00

there is alot of things in our lives that cannot be explained and has no answer to it no matter how you were to twist and turn the matter...the question of whichever comes first or which was the cause of what comes next can go on endlessly...i came to realize that in looking at a certain matter especially when problems or obstacles in life arises, we often seek for the cause of it, the problem and try to solve the problem...but when it comes to matters which can be very complicated such as relationships between family, love and even friends we sometimes are unable to find the way out just like i do...it is because that the root of the problem cannot be found therefore there is no direct remedy to it...till an hour ago, i realised that whatever happened 8 months ago, i do not truly know what was the cause of it and which comes after which...was the bond between us changed at first? was the lack of time for her the cause? was the lacking of communication be the start of the problem? or was it that the presence of someone else the trigger to all these? i really cant tell and it is just like the hen or egg first question....no answer to it....stability of mind constantly is not easy to achieve, but trying and practicing it would still benefit you...

strange...

2008-11-04T00:45:00.002+08:00

such a strange feeling i had today...the feeling of loneliness, emptiness is not there anymore but the feeling of insufficient time is there, for the first time i had felt that time is too short for me, time is not enough for me to be around with people whom i used to spend my time with...i guess this is another chapter of life...in order to move on to the next stage, certain things needs to be left behind in order to make space for new things to come...i really have no idea where i would end up in a year's time but then i definately will have a life more to myself and not living for others anymore...

everyone around me is able to find their happiness and their goals in life which i am very very happy about...and looking at them makes me wonder, how would mine be and when would it come to me? my goal and my dream never changed since i was 14 and although to some people it seemed childish but then, to me, although it might seem simple...it is not necessarily easy to secure that dream...and i dont even know whether that dream are able to realize in my chapters of life...but im sure im not gonna be anywhere too far away from it...appreciate precious moments with the ones dearly to you is my short term goal now or else, i wouldnt know when would the next chance be...cheers to you guys~~~!

love ultimatum

2008-10-31T23:52:00.002+08:00

love and trust, it comes together and it cannot be separated...here is a story of the betrayal of both...

this young couple, shaun and michelle has dated each other since high school and eventually, as time goes by, they moved to college and then entered the working life...michelle is just an ordinary girl, working as a manager in a small restaurant and shaun is a chef in a 5 star hotel...all these while, they had been through so many hard times together and together they fought through so many crisis in terms of their relationship, family and friends...their love for each other has come to a state where an understanding occur between the both of them as there is no need for words or actions to tell that they love and need each other, they just know it in their hearts...no matter what hit them, their relationshis were unharmed, hearts so strongly bound together...

one day, as shaun fetches michelle home after dinner, he told her a news which he was very excited and happy about...he said, "i received an offer to go to france to move on further in my career and this is definately a golden oppurtunity where i just cannot miss"...michelle replied, "i...see...but wouldnt there be any room for further advancement of your career here?, are you really willing to leave everything behind?"...shaun quickly intercepts, "of course the outcome of it would be very different if i were to go to france and i was expecting you to come with me and besides you, basically theres nothing much that is holding me back"...michelle then said, " but...its so sudden...going to france with you means i would be leaving behind my job, family and friends here...and...i think i really need time to think about it...but its not that i does not want to go with you, its just, there is complications to it that needs meticulous consideration"... the conversation between that night ended there...

in the end, out of sudden change in plan, shaun need to leave next week or the deal will be off and michelle still couldnt make any solid decision yet and as time pushes in to the limit, shaun then decided to give michelle the remaining time to think about the decision carefully and he would be waiting for her in the airport on that dat and he was sure that michelle's decision was to go with him...as that awaited day came by...shaun was eagerly waiting for michelle...and here she is, tapping his his shoulder from his back...she was lost for words when he turned and looked at her... and all he sees is tears...she couldnt say anything buy crying, helding a glass bottle containing hundreds of cranes and each of it containing her wishes for him...in the end, as it is time for shaun to board the plane...all michelle said to shaun is, "best wishes from me to you, always..." and in shaun went after kissing her on her forehead...

after shaun reaches france, he was so into his work and carreer and he had almost no time to even contact her in any way except a few emails in a year...each day, michelle is missing shaun, hoping shaun would understand and wishes that he has everything he was after...true enough, shaun was a person who takes on his career seriously and love was secondary to him...

after 5 long years, michelle is still missing shaun dearly each day...re-reading his previous mails over and over again, it has been a whole year now that shaun did not send her a word at all...one day, she was walking around the mall and he saw a guy which looks like shaun from the back...she taught that it is impossible to be him...but curiosity drove her forward and have a better look....surprisingly, it was really shaun....and...he was not alone...he was with someone else...michelle asked him whether they can have a talk together....and shaun agreed...

after shaun told her what actually happened, michelle was once again lost with words...she stood up and walked away....tears rolling down her cheek, her heart was being pierced of thousand of needles...the truth is that before shaun left for france, he already had an affair with this girl...but then, all the thing he went through with michelle couldnt be forgotten therefore he made his decision to accept the offer to france just to give this relationship another chance to start all over again in the new environment...but as michelle did not agree to go with him...in the end, it was the girl that went with him and the fact that they had been together for 5 years now and this time the purpose of coming back here is that they are getting married...

so, this is where the story ends...from this story...all i can see is that love, relationship, memories all consists of lies...in this world, how many can actually find true love and true happiness?...how can we actually have faith in love as there is nothing there that is worth our faith and hope?...i would never know how my story would end and all i could do is just hope that it doesnt end this way...

where i am?

2008-10-28T19:41:00.002+08:00

during these 4 days break...it was so boring, not much progress on the work that is supposed to be done...trying to find activities and plans everyday...till today, its the last day of break and after today, its gonna be straight all the way till finals...today was supposed to be fun, i taught...but at the end of it, i realised that i am not myself...totally not myself at all!...im going through each day and doing things that i makes me such a different person than i was...all these while, i knew i changed alot...i taught that change is normal and that change is for the good...it is true that now, i miss lesser things around me than before...but i had also came to realise, i had changed in every possible way...

till today, i found that all these changes, is transforming me to such a different person and it is getting me out of the right track...even me myself, i am worried about all these changes that had taken place...i need to stop all these...search for my true self once again...or else, i really have no idea of where i could end up in when i couldnt stop it anymore...

stillness of mind

2008-10-27T03:57:00.002+08:00

alot of events has taken place today...and a long nice ride on the streets is just absolutely great as always...i always tell myself and others that who i am now is someone much better than who i were before this...but then, there are certain things that i really need to work on, something that is literally hard to change...people change for many reasons and in terms of temper, i need to find just the right source for that change...

the emptiness is within me, conquering me since yesterday...i think when we least expect something, it will come to it, its more like a cycle whereby if you chase profusely after it, the distance of you and the thing that you were chasing did not close in abit but if you were to expect less and be stationary, things that you werent expecting will come from your back just like a total cycle...

once again, i see something in someone today which i did not expect i would...but this time, i took control of the situation, i knew that stillness of mind is essential to keep myself out of trouble...which in the end, turns out to be much more rewarding...maybe this is life afterall...if we are able to think and act as rationally as we can all the time, our paths will be much more easier that way...tonight, the fog has cleared abit and i can see my vision ahead and what must and needs to be done...until the next storm hits, i shall just take advantage of this clear sky tonight...

i still believes that happiness will somehow find its way to me...a way or another, its just a matter of time...faith in myself is what i really need...determination and patience is also essential for everything that i hoped for to realize...well, at last, 2 steps back but at least, now, its 1 step forward...

needs to slow down

2008-10-24T23:33:00.002+08:00

recently, so many events were going on, things coming in and out...and again, my ability of handling and taking things are challenged once again and today, i evaluated myself and i find, i am putting myself much higher than i was supposed to be and the way i take things is just too loosely and again i had repeated the mistake i made half a year ago...i am going at a very fast pace and which it is definately a very bad sign and it is time to slow down...reinstate my way of thinking and taking things before i lose myself again...

hapiness is really something that comes to you but not asked...so im wondering, when will that day come...hahaha...days are happier than before...which is definately a great sign...

messages from the soul

2008-10-23T10:40:00.002+08:00

is it possible that we are constantly receiving messages from our inner self or soul? research has shown that yes, each day when we are sleeping, averagely we will be having a dream in 90 minutes so if we were to sleep for 8 hours a day, most probably we will be having 5 dreams per night...but what is and why do we dream?

according to a research done why a metaphysics institute, dreams is a form of communication from our inner self and soul to our awakened state in the form of scenes which might or not relate to our lives...it is believed that our inner self and soul has existed for thousands of years until our present life and it has knowledge and truths beyond our imaginations and so far none of the scientists are able to prove of how true is this ability of human beings in receving messages and knowledge from our souls...

i dreamt about her again, before this, i taught that dreaming about her is just a mere cause of anxiety and nothing more...but i was really curious till i searched for the reasons that why human beings dream while sleeping and what it means...in a way, the report that i read, sounds so ridiculous...but then, if my soul within me is trying to indicate and acknowledge me about something, then the next question to me is when will that happen...each and every dream i had about her from the beginning was, she came back to me, we chose to forget everything that happened and start anew...its all the same, just that it is in different scenes...is my soul trying to tell me that it can happen one day, all i had to do now is do what needs to be done at this point of life the best i could...i dont really know...i believed the report because, it adds seeds of hope in me...

how about fairy tales this time?

2008-10-22T21:34:00.002+08:00

lets change a view for a bit this time...fairy tales, and my tales...i just realised that on my shelf of books, i can actually see the progress of my life from young...even when i was very young, i am always fascinated with fairy tales, magic, mystical creatures, something out of this world that dont exist, something extraordinary which only appears in dreams and your wildest imaginations...from enid blyton to msytery stories, from mystery stories to harry potter and all sorts of story books that has something to do with dragons, magical world and a world that can never exist...

and with this, i have tried searching for an answer of any research or surveys online regarding what kind of a person i am by judging from the books i read or i like, but so far none...but then one thing is sure, i like to be different, i like to know something that is bizarre even they dont exist, something that you can never believe like magic, and things which is mysterious where i can never rest till i find out what the truth is...little did i know about what happy endings are like, therefore, to a certain point of age, im very curious about what it is all about, finally, i got a taste of it, but yet, never truly able to experience it to the full length...the search continues, desperate to know and to find out, believing that anything is possible, everything can end like a fairy tale...then, after once, after twice, after third time, i finally found it...and from there, i got to learn and know what love is all about and i taught, it is not that hard after all, everything is within my control...but then i had also came to know that, nothing is that simple, afterall i was just being too naive...

sometimes, when people talked to me about it, not one word is taken in...maybe it was because, during and after the whole process, i had came to know too many truths, too many theories about all these...and not one of it has not been used as an immediate antidote to make me feel better but none of it so far has lasted long...none is an eternal remedy where it can take it all off in just one swing...

what is the happiness of life is all about? what is the fun and the purpose of life afterall?...its so subjective and debatable...and yet, each angle of its subjectivity has the angle of truth within it...

unexpected gains

2008-10-20T23:54:00.003+08:00

today, the sky is really so clear, and the night does not seem to be as dark as it supposed to be...i wonder why...but i aint searching for an answer scientifically, but an answer which only has its truth for me...to me, tonight, something is telling me that, even as dark as the night can be, there are days where it is much darker and days which are much clearer, just, like today...everything and every cycle in life has its ups and downs...

feeling such pain within, i taught it was going to be such a bad and long night with works to be done...well, something unexpected happened...i watched a clip, a 3 minutes clip...it was a clip where such a sweet song were playing and pictures of a couple were playing...that song and the pictures were sweet, but to me, so painful, each tune of the music, each word heard, each scene of the clip just slices through my heart...all i wanted to do is just go home, get back to my room...

i sat there, wondering, 10 years down my journey of life, where would i be, who would i be and how things are going to be like for me at that time...then i realised, love, is really just a chapter of life, yes!, it is essential, it is a must have it in our lives, to fill in the gaps in our lives...although it might take a large portion to certain people,even to me...but tonight, for that moment, i am able to gain an insight of understanding and seeing that other things in life might not mean so much but that is when i looked at 1 thing, but when various essential parts in our lives are put together, it actually takes a much larger portion than love and family itself....without them, there is no place for the existance of love and family...somehow, a way or another, tonight's gain from the insight i had had put me slightly back to the track, and i know what i should do for right now at least....

to get to wherever i would be in the future, it all depends on my doings now...we really do not know what will come next but i can be quite sure, i can be as happy as the couple in the clip if not happier...and the couple, which happens to be someone close...someone whom i really wanted to be all these while...

incomparable

2008-10-19T17:19:00.003+08:00

the trip to cameron was such a boring one, if it wasnt for the strawberries and the weather, its a waste of time going there...well, this trip, reminds me of so many things, reminds me so much of her...

this trip does not at all feels the same as i would last time...there is a huge gap within my heart when i was there, i couldnt really feel the fun at all...as usual, my phone was not as busy as it was...seeing so many things to buy, happiness was washed away as soon as it came, who can i buy those things for? those things i was looking at and interested in was all the things that SHE loves, i like them because SHE likes them...in the end, i just walked away, buying nothing at all and ended up receiving blasts in my heart and i kept telling myself that it is ok, everything is over and everything will be alright but in the end, nothing seems to be right for me...each and every place i went in cameron, i had a feeling, a strange feeling, i remembered that she went there with her family last year, so, each place i went to, i was imagining, how she reacted and how happy she was when she was last in that particular place...i had such a short memory power, things i read, things i learnt, things i encountered, will not be able to stay for more than a week or so but anything related to her is like carved within me, cannot be erased...

i really do miss her alot even now, 8 months closing in, still, i couldnt say that my love for her has depleted even a bit...she is just someone irreplaceable, impossible to find someone like her ever again...now matter how my heartbreaks, i will still be here, till god knows when, missing her, thinking of her, hoping and wishing that everything goes well for her...

question answered

2008-10-18T01:28:00.002+08:00

the question that arises a week ago already have an answer, that was not even a path, or an exit through the recovery process...to me, i think it is just a stepping stone to move a little further as i am way before schedule...here i am, back to square one but this time, the edges are way stronger...and now, so far, for the second time i have realised, no one is able to replace her position, no one is able to offer what she gave me back then...the path to serenity is getting really really near...i can see it, and the next few finishing steps, i cant afford any mistakes...i wonder, what will it be, to be totally out of this...im sure it really feels good...^^

deux ans

2008-10-18T01:08:00.002+08:00

2 years, is neither a short time nor as long as it sounds...but 730 days is quite a number of days, within those 730 days, there were sweeteness, bitterness and sometimes sour as well...the decision made definately moved me forward...just sometimes, when certain things encountered which relates to her, i couldnt help but to think back, it puts a smile on my face, although the pain it usually causes is already starting to get numb but yet, it still twitches...

today, tonight, i was thinking, imagining, what if one day in near future, she was single once again, and i were to go after her, the proper way, everything is restarted, we get to know each other once again from zero.......i really wonder, how would it be, how would i feel and what will be my mood at that particular time...i just couldnt imagine how happy i would be if that happens...hoping is what keeps us going, although things might not always turn out to be the way we want or expect it to but then, it is that hope that will just improve things bit by bit...but we never know until we get there...

i will be right infront, looking back at those memories, keeping that little hope within me that you would come calling for me from the back once again, helding out your hand, reaching mine...i will be who i am, persue my dreams, awaiting, for an unfinished story....je t'aime pour toujours, magdeline tan jia wen...

it is a process

2008-10-16T23:51:00.003+08:00

everything that happens in our lives, things got on and off our lives, people that appeared and walked out of our lives is all a process of living life...sadness had to be fought through to know what happiness is all about...to appreciate happiness we had, we had to find it during the hard times...

no matter what, we have to be brave...we cannot forever dwell in our dreams...we can refresh all the bad times over and over again...but one day, we still have to get up and walk on...move on...i cant say that i have fully walked through it...but i took out all the courage i had...i stepped out of it...and all i find, is a whole new world, a whole new discovery of myself...

maybe i wasnt ready for all this yet...not now at least...if i were to get into it again...everything will be given and everything will be offered...in the end, i will only live for others, lose out on my own life...so? what will i get at the end of it?....basically, nothing much....i dont want that to happen anymore...i will have a life about only me, myself and i...but the memories of her remains...just...a mere memory...unforgetable....cannot be erased...

embracing the beauty of the past

2008-10-13T01:40:00.003+08:00

i guess most of you out there who gave in everything for love agree with me that the most beautiful love is when you embrace all the sweet and good memories and forget the bad ones even when it is all over...i did not think i would get to this point in saying these...all i wanted to do before this is to live in the past, hide in the shadows but then when i started to step out of it slowly, i see that, the view from the front, looking back, embracing the past, is the most beautiful angle of viewing it...

missing what you had back there is definately normal but to know whether you truly understand the cause and effect of the whole incident is when you look back at it, it puts a smile on your face, missing it, but not wanting or forcing it back anymore...what was in the past, will never come back...but whether or not it will continue, no one knows, but to allow that chance and the possibility of it happening, is to first let it go...

you gave me the happiest memories and times i ever had in my whole entire 20 years of life...and thinking of your face will always put that smile on my face, that one and only unique smile...i miss you...and all i want now is you having everything you wanted and living a happier life than i do...i will always be here, praying for you, stand by you, no matter what comes next...this promise, will never fade...

lightened path

2008-10-11T01:19:00.002+08:00

first of all, i really wanna thank you for your words of wisdom, nick...thanks alot bro...i have not logged into my account for a few days in a row already but today, when i saw those words, i could just say, yes! those words lightened my path even more... its better to have disappoinments in life rather than not live it at all and without hope, there is no life...

i used the word life and live loosely in my posts, but the truth is, i can never really define or tell what life is all about and what is the right way to live our lives...i guess, no one in this world are able to have the definition to it...

my heart has lighten so much these 3 days...i truly do not know what destiny will bring next...and once again...i felt something special, my heart finally beats again...the burden behind my back has lighten so much, and i never felt so alive for months...each day right now, i felt the happiness and every laughter of mine comes right from the heart...looks like, whatever you guys has been telling me for the past 7 months is nothing but the truth, well, i really do have to apologise as my vision was fogged by so many things, so many illusions of the past, and you really have to get there to see and feel how is it like to be there, and now, i see clearer than ever before...

theres a question in my heart which im desperately searching for an answer to it...i really wonder, is the the right path, the right exit to all these or is this a game, something that needs to be repeated on me so i could understand and learn further? i really want to know...i know this is not the right time and i guess the best thing to do now is to keep the stillness of mind no matter what happens, this is the only way to protect myself...

meanings of our lives are searched

2008-10-08T10:52:00.002+08:00

i taught that after she had left, i would never find fun and excitement in my life in near future...i have almost no interest towards anyone or anything at all, and everyday, im just doing things for the sake of doing it and nothing more...

the meanings and excitements in our lives dont just pop up out of a sudden but must be discovered by our own through long journeys which sometimes might contain sorrows and pain...but be less assured, happiness can be found if you WANT to find it...and it will come to you if you believe the truth of it once more...nothing is certain yet nothing is impossible...

what more could i have asked? well, higher hopes will only brings deeper disappointments...

nothing much

2008-10-06T23:39:00.002+08:00

it was the first day of the final term...time really does fly, for people who dont realise this, they probably had wasted lots of their precious time, just like me...days goes by one after another, but then to me, hmmm, i didnt seem to have moved as far as i should with time...everything is happening too fast and during the period where i couldnt adapt to the change, i stopped there but time did not stop along with me...so, if i were to continue to waste each and every of my day this way, i will most probably end up with nothing at the end of my life...

it is time to really fight for what i wanted all these while and now the time is here...right when i step into the college area, i knew, no matter how painful or hard this is going to be, i had to give in my very best shot, or else, everything will be too late and i will definately regret if i dont...

i had so much to share, but then i guess every single person around me had enough of this...so....lets put on the shields and armour...here we go...the final showdown to see how much do i truly worth...

never mine

2008-10-05T15:26:00.002+08:00

happiness wont come by force...so, no matter how i want it to stay, it wont...from day one, i never truly had her heart, but when the time where i truly own her heart, i never appreciate it, and in the end, when i no longer have a stand in her heart, i forced my position to be maintained there...

right now, i really cant see the point of all these...life is just all about twisting around...you can never know when is the next sharp turn ahead...whether your ready or not, life goes on...

i have no option right now, but the only option i had now is to live with those memories she left me with, although there would be no continuation to it but at least she did not take all those memories away from me...although its not going to be enough to fill that empty space, but at least theres something there rather than nothing at all...

cold hilltop

2008-10-04T00:52:00.002+08:00

theres a limit to how much emotions we can hold within us...theres alot of factors that affect our emotions...to me, not one second, not one thing, not one word that i say or anything i see or hear that i cannot relate it to her...i forced myself to let go, forced myself to leave the path, tried so hard to draw the line between me and her...but thus far, i didnt really make any progress at all...

each day, all that i feel is just like me sitting on top of a cold hilltop alone, overlooking those memories from the top, tears rolling down my cheek, gazing at the moon, praying hard for her, missing her...

1001 words

2008-10-03T02:03:00.002+08:00

in this blog, to this date, there are more than 1001 words that had been written to describe every single thing to emotions and to incidents that happened 7 months ago till today...so much had been described, so much had been written down, they often say words never fails to express emotions, but then, to me, today, right now, i just feel that words had failed me and i dont know how to describe anymore already with words...what can be put into words has been already been put into words, till now, i can say nothing more to express how am i feeling right now at this moment...

theres not one thing i do in my life right now that doesnt remind me of her...how am i to go on like this? till when can i go on like this? i really cant help myself, i really cant move on no matter how long it is from now or how hard i am going to try...those times will never ever come back...but i wont leave this path...never...

empty, empty, empty...

2008-10-02T13:34:00.002+08:00

driving down each and every road,
theres not one second your not in my mind,
theres not one place that dont reminds me of you,
everything has been done,
every effort has been taken,
still, i couldnt get you out of my heart,
till now, all i know is not matter what,
your existance in my heart can never be diminished...

each day im living in dreams,
dreams made up by you and me,
and all im doing each day,
is, loving you,
loving you through every bit of memories you had left me with...

the door

2008-09-30T22:01:00.003+08:00

i couldnt help but feel emptier as days goes by...every single day when i opened my eyes, my heart felt so empty, basically, during this holidays, i have nothing to look forward to and when that happens, i tend to put the scene back to half a year ago, imagining how fun and how fast this holiday period will end with all those plans with her...every single thing that is bothering me is the same as half a year ago, everyday, the fear gets stronger and stronger, it is the fear of losing someone dearly to you, it has already happened but then, in my heart, she never left...

you brought me to this path,
now, your the one who left this path,
leaving me, alone, right at the spot where you left me,
without you, i couldnt find the exit to all these,
without you, everything is blurred,
without you, i couldnt even see whats ahead of me,
and there i am, just like a boat, without a navigator,
lost...
puzzled...
all these never kill me,
floating...
exactly like a boat,
in the middle of nowhere, constantly hit by waves,
it almost sink each time, but with just an inch away,
it still survived till today,
awaiting to be saved, awaiting for you...

exceeding limits?

2008-09-29T03:09:00.002+08:00

everyone has different perceptions about certain things...that is why, each person is unique and are made up in different complicated combinations...to others, i am only a person who is weak, unable to move on, being stupid and torturing myself and people around me...to me, i find nothing wrong with my perception and my principles of life...

YES, it is true, all those words that they said is so true...but that doesnt mean, my perception is wrong and its not like im being stubborn or anything, its just, to me, i doesnt seem wrong...till this very second my decision is final, i still miss her, i still love her and i still want her back and im willing to take everything and anything from her and what she can offer and i will give her everything i had if she were to come back to me and my answer is always yes and its final...

as proven, many will not agree with what i have decided but then, my biggest enemy is emotions...i can conquer myself, change myself in terms of attitude and other things about myself, i can change it all, but i cannot help being conquered by emotions...to me, shes an angel, shes the person i ever want, no matter what the consequences will be, im willing to face it, with just one request, her coming back...and im quite sure that for years to come, my birthday wishes will be her coming back to hold my hands once again, share and continue what is unfinished...5 years, isnt too hard than it sounds...

dream realized in dream

2008-09-28T14:23:00.002+08:00

i slept for 14hours...i didnt want to get up...i was so darn tired yesterday night, missing her greatly at the same time, i was hoping and imagining, how comfortable and happy i would be if shes right beside me, watching me sleep...

i knew that tonight's dream, i will be seeing her...true enough, i dreamt about her, everything seemed so real, i was half awake, with my consciousness, im aware of every single detail in the dream i had, and it didnt seem like a dream to me, as partially, im in total control of myself and my doings and i even remembered each and every word i said in the dream...she came back to me, apologised, and told me that i was the one who she truly needed and love, she told me she was never as happy with him compared to the time we were together...i went around town, everything is so damn real, i felt so happy, even i got up in the middle of the night to turn the aircond off cuz it was too cold, i was conscious and i fell back to the same spot of the dream where i left it minutes ago and i was aware that, this is all a dream, i was aware that if i were to get up now, it will all be gone...

but in the end, the scenes all changed, someone hit me and ran away, i was so in rage, i went after that guy, chasing him, cursing him, wanting so badly to catch him and wack him up, in the end, i caught up to him and i hit him, but in the end, i was the one badly beaten, to that moment, i dont feel the pain, but amazingly, i was aware of whats going on in the dream, i knew this is a dream so no matter what i do, i will get away with it...at that moment where i fell on the floor, badly beaten up, i told myself, time to get up and true enough, the next second, i was awake, lying on my bed, looking at the fan spinning on top...it was a dream come true, in my dreams...i didnt want to get up, but i think for whatever reason i had this dream, something is telling me, giving me hints through the scenes at the end of the dream...i came to understand that, yes, when we lose something so important to us, we will definately do whatever it takes to chase it back, get it back, and during the chase, we tend to think that if im able to catch up, everything will change and be back to the way it is, but then, it is not always that way, sometimes, even we are able to get back what we have lost, after all, it might not be something that we truly want....while chasing that guy in the dream, i wanted to beat him up so badly, but then, when i caught him, it was the other way round...

i was such in a bad mood, all i wanted to do was to lie down there for the rest of the day doing nothing...the feeling of being with her is so close, so real as though its really happening and the amazing thing about it is that im aware of it! this is the first time ever for having a dream where im in control of myself and aware of every single thing that happened in it...in the end, i got up, telling myself, i had this dream for a reason...god is trying to hint me something...and i think i got it...that is why, no matter how much pain i had to suit my emotions to the reality once again, i will have to face it...well, we shall see how this day will end...

p.s my heart will forever be partially owned by you, baby, i love you

cure?

2008-09-27T01:49:00.002+08:00

these few days during the holidays, i have been feeling extremely lonely...it wasnt because im too free of anything, but maybe i was out of attention...if had classes, i would be around with friends and at least, there were people to talk to me, people to share laughter with but not after the holidays have started...

since monday, my phone was never as busy as it was before...and since monday, for god knows how many times i tried to look at my phone, browsing my list of contacts, trying to find someone i could sms or call but i can find none...each time i put the phone back down, i so wished that it would rang the next second, but it never happened...

people kept telling me that there i really should let go, i must stop roaming in the past, i must walk out of the circle no matter how hard it is...and we have to go through pain to be fully cured...but i really have no idea of how much pain i had gone through, yet, im still stucked there, moving nowhere...i am so tired of forcing myself and pushing myself further to the limit...whats the use of pushing myself where in the end, i came back to where i started...from now on, i will not force myself anymore, i wont try my best to walk out of this, i will just let things be as it is, if i were to continue being trapped in the past, so be it, if i were to really walk out of this and being able to put down things, then i would be happy to start all over again...

im missing her so much...but how would she know? im still struggling here, how would she know about this? im starting to feel that the reason that she is not replying my mails might be because she doesnt wanna hurt me anymore, but then, how would she know that what she is doing is hurting me less if not more?

inter-related

2008-09-24T21:01:00.002+08:00

these two days is the worst within these few months...my mood couldnt get any worse and it feels like the time during my previous holidays after my training...alot of things come back, more and more each day and one taught linked to another...

i really couldnt believe that i would come to this day...what about all those things we had back there? its all gone!!! i can never retrieve them back...im starting to doubt whether i will truly recover and start anew...

i felt like eating chocolates after dinner, i took them out, looking at it, flashes shot my mind...i dont wanna eat them, i wanna keep them, but then when i checked the expiry date, i realised that if i dont eat it now, its gonna end up in the bin next...i know certain things will keep moving on...but i just cant help missing her...every second of it...every second of it makes me misses her more and more, as every second ticks off, i would imagine how were things like and how would things be if we were still together today, right now, at this very second...everything would be so perfect...

being defeated or facing any difficulties in life is not as worse as going through all these and seeing the person you cared and love most walk out of your life and all you can do is watch her walk further and further away, out-of-your-life....

circles

2008-09-24T16:03:00.002+08:00

i just realised that all these while, its all illusion that im getting better and moving forward...all these while, everything and all the efforts i took and all the advises i obtained from everyone around me only expanded the circle im in...all these while im still trapped in this circle, never to truly obtain happiness, never really left all those pain, all those emotion swings... the amount of pain within this circle did increase a little but one thing is sure, i felt better by day is just because this circle has expanded through time, but im still in there...i taught things slowly faded away, but then, actually, the increased space within this circle is the reason im feeling less painful, and things hit me less frequently, cuz there were more space for all these emotion thingy to move around before it hits me again...i dont know how long it would take me to break free from this circle...to be myself once again...

holidays is here once again, i were craving for it...but then, its the 5th day already...i had done nothing and my emotions are out of control...i got through each day by creating different endings for myself...the ending of all these and who would i become after all these...i wonder which ending will be mine....

again and again..

2008-09-24T14:43:00.002+08:00

watching the drama, the path and scenes about the couple in it is more or less like my own, a mirror to myself...nothing is certain in this world...you can never know what comes next...when problems occur, it is always problems that shakes a relationship, always problems, not problem...it is always made up of a series of events before it poses a threat to the relationship...

they waited, missed the chance of being together, in the end, they really got together, but then, a series of events happened, bringing them further apart...the closer they tried to get to each other, the futher they are to each other...in the end, it is always one party that continues to hurt the other person over and over again...one time after another, leaving the other person alone to rot, to perish again and again...

scenes after scenes, incidents after incidents, the girl keep doing things, making decisions to hurt the guy, yet, the guy kept forgiving her regardless of what she had done to hurt him, in the end, shes marrying someone else instead of him, he tried to bring her back with everything he had, but as things cannot be turned around, he knew he had to let go, till that moment, i can truly understands how he felt when she told him hes marrying someone else and in the end, he still decides to congratulate them whole heartedly, even his heart is so broken....

but life is very unpredictable...how far is the distance between the ground and the sky? can you actually touch and feel the sky? how far is the distance from east to west? there are lots of uncertainties, how can you actually know the distance between the ground and the sky as you cannot feel and touch the sky? how can you actually find out the distance from east to west as you when the world is a sphere...in the end, they still got back together, but then things doesnt happen in a sudden, there were also a series of events bringing them back together...

im wondering, will the same ending happen to me as well? will all the things i had done pay off one day...will i be able to claim back what is rightfully mine? i guess what is yours will be yours in the end, forcing it would never last...where are you? how are you? what are you doing? im desperate to know...but i guess, i would never know...letting things free from the tight grasp and let things develop freely might be a way to end all these quickly...

both once, alone now

2008-09-23T02:50:00.003+08:00

whatever that has to do with any emotion feelings, its really very complicated, well, as thats because i cant understand it truly or take control of it...today, i really feel so tired loving her...yes, so tired loving her...although we had come to this state, till today, i still do love her alot and its really tiring to go through the pain every single day from time to time...

the feeling of being alone, with no one to report to, with no one to miss you, i just couldnt get used to it...im really wondering, if one day i could have the chance of getting back to her in a way or another, and if im given that chance, i wont set it loose ever again...

i just came back from singapore...i was all excited because i taught i can enjoy myself and be happy for the day but along the way, i just kept thinking of her, thinking how would she love this and that...i were in the chocolate shop, it was her favourite! i really taught of buying it, for her...but then, whats the point? i couldnt even give it to her...seeing people along the way, walking and talking so lovingly just makes me so jealous...i once had everything i ever wanted, and i taught i had nothing to lose and i will never lose...the fact is that whenever you think that your sky high, that is where you tend to slowly come down to ground...looking at the cable car just made me taught of the promise i made to her to bring her to the eye of malaysia during her birthday last year but then, i am never going to have that chance ever again....

all those words said, all those promises made...it cannot be forgotten, i cannot be erased, i tried to held it hard, but then, it kept slipping off through the cracks of my fingers just like particles of sand, losing it bit by bit...im so afraid that i will one day forget all those things i had with her...that is why, i tend to remind myself of what happened back there....it hurts tremendously, yet im willing to refresh myself of all those memories hoping that those times, words, promises we made to each other will forever be with me, regardless of whats coming next in the future...we never know what are we going to be like in the next 5 years, but then, living today and what you do today determines what you become next...

is the 5 years vow stupid?

2008-09-21T11:32:00.002+08:00

4 months back, i vowed that i will never get in a relationship with anyone no matter what unless that person is her...back then, the vow is so solid and i knew that im sure to fulfill it...when time slowly goes by...things started to go back to normal...things started to come back to me...i got back to most of my senses...thinking back about all the things i had done, i felt stupid and embarrassed in front of my family and friends...and to those whom i told them about the vow i made...they said im stupid and its not going to happen, its impossible, they kept saying that i needed more time and this vow would be meaningless and they say no one are able to fulfill any vow of such...

i really think i can fulfill it...i really want to let her and everyone know, im different from any others...i want to let her know that im able to fulfill most of my promises to her....i do not know what can i do right now to make myself better other than seeking relieveness by writing it all out in this blog...well after all, she was the purpose of this blog created...

its my choice

2008-09-20T23:49:00.002+08:00

things were so screwed up today, mostly everything went wrong...i couldnt find my friend's camera in the morning, having bad headache, my cake screwed up, i was late for badminton, i had even more headache, i was late meeting my friend, i ffk my friend for the second time, i forgot i had something to do tmr and i promised my friend to attend some gathering...what the hell is wrong?

i went to cheras today, to meet my old friend...the moment i reached the toll, everything started to come back, along the way and throughout the time i was on the road, everything in the past was like a flash player...flashes after flashes of her came to picture in my mind one after another...seriously, this is the worst so far...even the previous time i went back there, it wasnt this bad...i seriously had the whole 2 yrs of memories coming back to me for that 4 hours....how can i forget? it has been 7 months already...but then, all those memories i had in the area i went is just craved too deep within me, i was unable to even fight it abit and i just dropped to my knees...alot of things has changed in the area, the houses, the roads, shops and almost everything...and some of them, which i had deep memories of is no longer there...the only thing that hasnt change is me, and my feelings...the same heart broken feeling....the same feelings i had back then whenever i head down to her house...the eagerness of seeing that smile of hers still exists even though its not gonna happen anymore...but what can i bloody do?...she was my choice...i had no one to blame but myself...this is all the consequences of the chosen path that is a must to go through right now...i really wanna leave this place for good and really persue my dream...if i were to stay, its going to be damn hard to achieve what i want...i just hope all my plans works well and i can get out of here for good...and find a brand new life in a brand new place...but then, till now, im still willing to give up every single thing i had now in return of her coming back to me...anything at all...in this world, there is only one person whom i will do anything for at any cost is her, magdeline tan jia wen...and no one else...i dont know when or even whether it will change...but i just really want her to know and see, she is missing out something that really does mean something to her...i just want her to really see what are my feelings for her...BUT SHE WILL NEVER KNOW AND FIND OUT!!! THATS THE SOLID FACT!!!I WILL NEVER EVER MEAN ANYTHING TO HER EVER AGAIN!!!

its my fault

2008-09-20T14:56:00.002+08:00

it came, i struggled through each day of it and at last it ended yesterday...the exams for term 5 is finally over, all of us are looking forward to the upcoming 2 weeks holidays where at last, all of us are able to get some rest and feel slightly relieved...

it was kinda stupid night yesterday where it was supposed to be a de-stress session but then it ended up adding more stress to me...but then, at least all of us had fun...but then, i did not truly enjoyed it as i taught i would...i dont know why...it seems that somehow in a way or another, something is missing...nothing to do with anyone or anything, but i just couldnt figure out whats missing there in between...i did all my part as a friend to all of them who came over to my house...and yeah, i do hope all of them are always happy like they seemed to be yesterday...so, at the end of it, what cheered me up was seeing them be happy...

till today, it has been 3 weeks already ever since i received any emails from her...i really wonder, i really wanna know why till today im still being treated as such, as something without any value or importance to her at all...maybe all these while the reason of me going through all these is that it was my fault to love all her wrong doings and faults...isnt that how it is supposed to be when you love someone? arent we supposed to love all the good and bad attributes of a person we truly love? is the only way out to all these and the only way to find all the answers to my questions is to seek it in a new relationship? im doubting it as we never know until we get there...

i shall let go on what has built between us...cuz i know all these while that its only one hand trying to clap...but no matter what, i still wish to see the both of you being able to clap joyfully...cheers to all my friends, thanks for being there for me...anything for you all...

enexpected calls

2008-09-19T00:02:00.002+08:00

strangely, today, i received so many unexpected calls and msges from friends nearby to friend whos hundred thousands of miles away...sadly, i do not know what happened to me...something is wrong when i tried to talk to them...i feel something missing there...it has nothing to do with them...but its me...i used to be a good persuader, someone good to talk to when troubled, but it seems that i no longer have the ability of lending an ear and a hand through words to those who seek it...i really want to know why...

i tend to feel and be care-less about myself and the life im having now...i no longer a person who stands firm on my grounds with my own perspective and my own way of doing things, all i does now is just go with the flow...follow suit with what everyone else says or do...i agree with everything others say...maybe its this change in the way i see things and the way i think now made me lose the ability to guide others anymore...because i had nothing great and im in no position to help them or to hear them out as even my own problems, im unable to solve it, all i do is just run away from it, try not to look at it if i can help it...

still, there is some good perspectives towards this change in me...not all is bad, at least, i had more friends that i ever taught i would have...but what if im able to keep all these good attributes but at the same time have my own personality like before...everday life is to revise yourself, to race and compete with yourself so as day to day, you are a better person than you were yesterday...

more to come?

2008-09-18T22:25:00.002+08:00

well well well, at long last, tmr is the last day of term 5...the week seemed to feel like months...2 more papers and we are done...we are already planning what are we going to do after the exam tmr and during the holidays...i cant wait for it...the stress mode has somehow lifted...but yet, i still cant afford to make any silly mistakes as it is very costly...but then, now for the 3rd time and still counting, i felt joy and happiness, things are just perfect today...being around with all my friends, i just couldnt feel more wanted and filled with joy and laughter....i really hope this goes on and more and more days filled with true joy till i am unable to count and keep track anymore...but then, sometimes, even when we are happy, we need to look back at the past so that we are able to see how far had we gone forward...

i had dream to chase, a path to walk on and the search of fairy tales continues....

what a pity...

2008-09-17T23:15:00.002+08:00

when i had my breakfast this morning, i was glancing at the newspaper and i saw something that ruined my mood for the morning...a 16 year old girl, lai ying xin is abducted, strangled and partially burnt to death...she was bright, beautiful, and generous...i wonder what had she done to deserve such fate...is it that nowadays people just lost their humanity? what the hell is wrong with them....

then my friend msged me, telling me that his 98yr old grandma just passed away yesterday...well, just hope that she left without any pain...

i went to central today, missing the seat, the food and the drinks in strudels, kl sentral...its not that the food is great or anything...its just...something made it special, something made me wanna go back there again and find the feeling that it once brought...that was the last place i went with her...and im quite sure that is going to be the last place i ever go with her....but then, it shocked me, the shop has closed down...i still remember that it was opened 2 years back...when they were renovating the place, i already promised her to bring her there to have apple strudels...but i never brought her there until the day we came back to langkawi...but now, i taught i am able to find back those moments, those feelings there....but looks like im never going to have that chance anymore...everything is lost...nothing can be done...it is just an arrangement of GOD...to make me go down there just to find that it has closed down...but i knew, no matter what, i had to hang on...no matter how harsh the situation is, i cannot fall...there is no allowance for me to make mistakes anymore cuz i had used it all up...i never wanna hurt anyone around me ever again...

well, this just adds to the collection of the regrets in my life....

depletion

2008-09-17T00:22:00.002+08:00

thank god, the exam wasnt as bad as i taught it would be...and yeah, luck was there right beside me when im doing the exam...although it wasnt good but then i think its already the best i could possibly do...

when i came back, lying on my bed trying to rest, i looked at the lotion bottle just right beside my bed...it was a birthday gift from her...all these while, i never had the heart to use it, and the reason i put it beside my bed is because, it makes me feel that shes close all the time...but then as everything changed, i refused to move it away...in fact i refused to change one single thing that is related to me and her whether it is on my computer, wallet and everything...cuz to me, i dont want anything to change and i cant find a reason for me to change it anyhow...looking at the lotion, i realised that the volume has gone down, i never used it but yet, the volume decreased...of course it would, it has already been there for a year now...at the moment, i see that once again, with or without you realising it, with or without your approval, with or without your willingness to accept the fact, things around us will continue to change and develop...she might have moved on pretty far from the spot i last knew she was at, but being so naive, till today, i still taught and assume shes still there at the right spot where i last seen her, assuming everything will be the same in a way or another...how long it would take me to grow up and stop being naive? well, destiny awaits...

lucky

2008-09-15T23:29:00.003+08:00

i have been lucky all my life...ever since i existed in this world...on the year that i was born, my family shifted to new house, bought new car...i often get the things that i wanted without fail with a way or another...till the day i went to kindergarden, i had all the things...

primary school, i went to the so called good school without any difficulty comapred to my brother's time...i suck in studies, im good for nothing and i never managed to pass my mathematics most of the time, but in the end, when i was standard 4, everything changed, my teacher changed everything, and ever since, my studying history did a sommersault, same goes to standard 5 and then 6, UPSR, no one in my family ever dreamt that i could even get 2As but miraculously, i got 4, its nothing great to brag about but to my family and friends, it was a shock, but to me, it was all luck, luck has been with me all these while...

Secondary school, again, i got in to the so called good school without any difficulties whereby others were trying to change from other schools to mine...again, my results were never good...year by year i got through it each time barely passing...form 3 came...i tried my best, i didnt want to be left out, all my other friends were so good, they were in the first class and all...and PMR will decide whether they will be even further from me or a chance to be closer to them as they are definately going to be in the science classes, i struggled hard, in the end, again, none of my family members would never guessed that i would get such results, i was someone who needs scolding each time during exams unlike my brother and sister, again, luck was with me, i got closer to my friends...and since then, everything kept changing for the better, my results never got this good, form 5 came...although with struggles along the way, luck came by once again to get me through this one more time, i still remember, one week before my SPM, i was studying hard, but theres too much to study, i put those books all away, i closed my eyes and i hoped, i wished that luck will once again help me get through this one more time as this is going to be the last time i will need luck the most in my life, i wished so hard! and once again, LUCK came by, i did the exams fairly well....in the end, the results were a little disappointing to me but its good enough...

college time...without me realising, till today, i find that even during my college times, each time i had exams, luck never didnt leave after all...guiding me through each exam, building my confidence, each time i scraped off fairly well...each time during exams when i tried to study, miraculously, my mind is so flexible, whatever i read, most of it went in to my head...

i just couldnt believe how much luck i had all these years...even the person who reads my palm asked me, do i have people to help me all the time to achieve what i had today? i cant reli recall who did, but then, i think luck was the one who has been my best friend aiding me each time when i had difficulties and help me achive what i want to achieve, realizing my dreams, bringing me to the right path, saved me from hot situations, leading me towards a good life till now...i had so much more compared to my siblings...i really hope that luck will continue to stand by me no matter what happens...cuz no matter how good we are, all the time, 5% of what we does, is LUCK...and i definately say that that 5% helped me alot....throughout these years, i realised one thing, when we are arrogant about something we are good at, we tend to lose them as fast as we had them...maybe it is that arrogance that drives luck away....

well...no matter what, no matter how i wished...nothing can bring back the things that are most precious to me and it will remain as greatest regret of my life...even giving up everything wont be able to turn time around and re-do what has happened...i do miss her alot...i bet she dont even have me in her mind at all right now...but then, this burden is way too hard to be lifted...

pls luck...i cant afford to lose this time...not even one paper...lead me through...i need each and every mark...i dont want to have an additonal collection to the regrets in my life...

everything counts

2008-09-15T21:23:00.002+08:00

its a good start off today...but then tmr will be disastrous....FRENCH!!...im just not up to this no matter what, its not my thing...i really wanna give up on this...headache is killing me, the flu is irritating me...yet i cant take the medicine...but no matter what i know i had to go on, i cannot afford to let go even one subject, cuz at the end, it all counts and i dont want to lose that chance again like i did...

people often says that when they are in bad conditions, they will tend to review the good times in the past...i feel so lonely right now, no one to care, no one to ask whats going on, no one to accompany me...im missing the 2 hours of talking on the phone every single day that i used to have...whenever im sick, i will have someone pampering me, be there for me and cheer for me...but now, of all the time, why this week? haih....i just hope that this week quickly ends....but then....even after the exams, i still have loads of things to do and complete before the final term starts...life is never easy....so for those who is very relaxing at the moment, enjoy while you can...haha

got over it?

2008-09-14T16:44:00.003+08:00

i just couldnt believe how time flies...its the end of the term, again...i so wanted to study, i so wanted to concentrate...but i just couldnt...from yesterday morning till now...i tried to study and concentrate but nothing goes in...each time i picked the notes up and read them, yes i am reading them but then, my mind was thinking bout something else...my mind kept going back to the flashes of the previous term and worse still, its mid autumn festival today, and those events that happened last year was so deeply carved into my heart where i kept having flashes of them repeatedly...i do not know how many repeats i would need to go through to be able to truly get over it...where everything that happens is just a mere memory, nothing else...

its 14th today...for the past 2 years, when this day of the month arrives, i always feel strange as though i had forgotten something, and most of the time i couldnt figure out whats missing...well today, i do...i still remember, 4 years back, the number 14 means alot to me especially on the 14th of june, the 14th of nov and the 14th of july...it was a special, magical number to me at that time...between me and someone who shared something precious and special with me and it is also someone that i had forgotten and even ignored for the past 2 years...and today, i truly know what i feels to get over someone and certain things...

when will be the next post on the 6th of the month? i can never tell....

the story of the left hand and a hard lived man

2008-09-13T11:51:00.002+08:00

im quite sure that theres alot of people out there who heard or read the story of the left hand...if you dont...heres a preface...for those who is right handed, left hand to you is only a sidekick, your right hand does all the job, all the precision and had all the strength compared to your left...all left hand does is the dirty job, helping and coordinating with the right hand and it usually has more scars and cuts than the right...despite being the one behind the screen, left hand still never fails to do its job but all the credit, goes to the right hand as we receive prizes, throphies and even certificates with the right hand...

now, a story of a man who has nothing in his life since young, he has to work hard to earn a living and he has gone through so many hardships life could possibly bring....he has struggled so many years, yet, the day he died, he had nothing but a body full of scars, a heart full of regrets and sorrows...but at least, he is strong physically or mentally, as he is trained in harsh situations throughout his whole life...

what can you see in these two stories?

to me, i only see one similarity, everything is fated, from the day you have decided to have your right hand to be the primary one, the left hand will face the fate of being second forever...same goes to the man, from the day he is born, his destiny has already been decided...no matter how hard he worked, he cannot run or change his fate...even from our own body, we are able to find and understand slightly a little more about life....its a long journey, it takes a lifetime to understand and learn, but even a lifetime is not sufficient...

it can be DIfferENt

2008-09-12T00:19:00.003+08:00

its the SECOND time now....i feel joy in my heart once again today...i couldnt believe how things falls into place once again....every single thing that i was worrying about is not an issue anymore....its a day full of satisfaction...great exam, satisfactory marks, conflicts gone, quarrels solved, friends came back, good comments from chef, everything was good....how much better can it possibly get? i just couldnt believe that i could really feel that joy for the second time now...all these while i taught i would never be able to feel happy for a very very long time near future...but then, everything can be done....everything can be different as long as we have decided to want things to be different...how much have i grown? to me, i think i really had grown alot within this year...all that im hoping now is that this situation could stay a little longer before it takes its change once again...just some extra time to be relaxed and time to be prepared for the next change...god is watching over me...everyone around me is as well...thank you all.

the beautiful skies

2008-09-11T01:38:00.004+08:00

nothing much about today...just like any other days...there were lots of flashes of the trip to langkawi...somehow, a way or another, it kinda played the scenes of the entire trip from the start of my day...the skies were cloudless and so blue, the sea was refreshing, the wind that blows by the seaside is just so soothing, bringing calm to your entire body, mind and soul...even the sun which is usually hot is warm during that time...i never felt so happy and relaxed in my entire life...but somehow, it wasnt perfect, it is almost perfect, because there is fear within, wanting the time would stop right there for eternity...

during that time, i taught of this and i said this to her...if it wasnt because of the problems and the breakup of the relationship, this trip wouldnt be as fun and as perfect as this with no quarrels and everything was just at its right place...but it has also became something that we both know we will regret for the rest of our lives at that particular time, even today, to me...it has to end...the tree is already dead...but the core of it is still there, still within me...awaiting to be awakened...i wonder, whats next?

a wish within

2008-09-10T00:11:00.002+08:00

If i look up at the rainbow, i always sees you...
Theres always seven colors...
Now, i do not see seven colors anymore...
Only mist, and fog...
As time passes by, the world around me changes...
No matter where i search for you within my heart...
You're nowhere to be found...

So I closed my heart, and opened my eyes...
I need to know, If i were to gaze up the sky again...
Will things be different this time?...
Maybe if I were to wish harder, the mist and fog will be cleared...
So i prayed, screaming that wish within my heart and soul...

When you lose one thing...
You gain another, dont you?...
But no matter what, things still confuses us at the end...
And I shall continue looking for the right path of my life...

I miss you, even till this very second...
I do not know how long this will continue...
I do not know whether if I were to gaze at the sky once more, the rainbow I knew will re-appear...
I shall wish, wish and wish for that day to realize...

wealthy

2008-09-07T14:45:00.002+08:00

one of my friends called me the day before yesterday to ask me how am i doing lately...i told him i was doing fine and better since he last saw me...but i also told him that emotions and memories still comes back at a certain time of the day...my weekend was really so full...im out the whole day and i did so many things yesterday...

i went to college, went to pastry pro with my friends, played badminton, went for dinner with my parents and then head to the cafe to yam cha with my friends...everything was really good but theres one thing that made me feel uneasy...when i was heading back to klang, i stopped at the traffic light in front of summit, as usual, it takes a few rounds of green before i can exit to the highway, it was a rainy day yesterday, looking at the grey cloudy sky, i realised, no matter how full, busy, enjoying and happy my day is, theres always something missing at the end of it...i remembered very well that before this, at that particular time on every sat, i would just have fetched her home after an outing and at this particular traffic light i would definately call her and talked to her till im out in the highway and happily heading to the badminton court and calling her to tell her i already reached safely...not anymore, i had no one to call anymore in my call list...

what it means by being poor to you? is it that you do not have any money left in your pocket and you couldnt even afford a meal? is that being poor? what if you are rich, you live and eat luxuriously every single day but no one is sitting with you on that dinner table with you? both scenarios has its own side...but to me, i will definately choose to be poor in terms of money but wealthy in terms of love and care...

everything comes from and returns to dust eventually, live a carefree life and learning to let go certain things might lead you to a better and happier life...

nothing to lose

2008-09-06T23:33:00.003+08:00

each and every person is unique in their own way...most of the time, when you make friends, especially friends that you are able to get along with or close with will only get closer by time...but not all the time, there is always exceptions...

funny on how things can happen...but i think if you had done what you could and what you should and when you dont feel any guilt when you touch your heart then it is enough...god knows, and you yourself know...because with guilt free conscience, you have nothing to lose...

fearful nights

2008-09-02T22:14:00.002+08:00

feelings grow over time...if nothing major goes wrong in any relationship between people, the bond created will only be stronger by time...same goes to the relationship between family members, between friends, between lovers...i can never blame anyone except myself for every single thing that happened...sometimes, the strongest bond between all relationships is friendship...it hardly depletes although you dont see your friends for years or even talk for that matter...too much has happened recently, it is almost like what happens in dramas...in the end, when you least expect it to happen, it happens...i had done what i could...seriously...i dare touch my heart and say, i had done every single thing the best i could for my friends...but in the end, it still comes to this point...i have nothing to say...and from now on, i couldnt do anything anymore...maybe leaving everything behind is the best option i had...starting all over again...in a brand new place...

does anyone out there knows how lonely a person can possibly feel? i cant say i have been through it all...but i know how it feels when you are starting to lose every single person around you...your friends are tired of your petty stories, your family already done whatever they could, you cant sleep although your tired, your afraid to close your eyes cuz what you see is endless darkness...in the end, you do go to sleep, but all you had is nightmares, not just nightmare but nightmares...ever experienced having multiple similar nightmares in every 2 hours when you sleep? the dream is all the same...people betray you, people leave you no matter what you do or beg, at the end of it, you in nowhere, alone...and you get up from it, looked around you, its all pitched dark, with no one beside you, with no one you can call in your phone book....you went back to sleep and the cycle happened over and over again...i had been through that moments for 3 months back there...i remember theres one night i had 4 nightmares in a row in every 1 hour...its nothing about resting, its about having flashes of what you feared most in your life...and now, its coming back...i feel so lonely and empty even when im standing in a place so crowded with people, all you wanna do is just run away, you dont wanna care about one single thing anymore but just end everything...leave everything behind...i wanna stop this feeling ever coming back...but i just dont know what i can do...

happy ending

2008-09-02T00:26:00.002+08:00

sometimes when we look back...there are lots of regrets in our lives...we feel sad, we wished we could turn back time, we wished that we could have a second chance, we wished we had the opportunity but then it is all these regrets from the past makes our lives the way it is today, in a way or another, a unique path of life of our very own...10 or 20 years down the road, it is all going to be all these regrets that we embrace and remembers it till the day we leave everything behind that is going to perfect our lives ahead, pictures and lessons that we have been through to be able to cope with matters in life ahead of us, a way to tell ourselves, appreciate what we have and what we are about to have...

happy ending only appears in the fairy tales...they are told to those who were young, but why? yes, it makes them happy but it definately gives them the wrong idea of what real life is all about...those happy ending stories are all lies...every matter has both sides, even this....if those kids were never been told all these fake fairy tales stories, when they meet obstacles and difficulties in life, they never truly learn...

same thing goes to love and relationships, forever love does not exist!...be realistic...how can you forever love a person where you yourself could not even live forever...yet, there are ways where you are able to do that, but only partially of what it really is...sometimes, it is also because of us being naive when we truly felt and know what love is all about at the beginning of our lives, when we lose it, then we are able to know and learn how it goes and it prepares us for a journey far ahead that takes a lifetime if not forever...

appreciate

2008-09-01T04:19:00.003+08:00

whenever i see or hear about stories where 2 people who loves each other is forcefully seperated either by parents or even taken away by death, i wonder how pain would that feel? is that pain as painful or even more painful that what i had been feeling? i really want to know...alot of people told me that those feeling are even worse than what i felt...i dont believe them...because, at the very least, no matter what happened, they are able to tell themselves that the other half is still waiting, still loving, still caring and still crying for them...and i still think that crying yourself where the other person dont give a damn is even more hurtful than anything...

theres this phrase where the old folks used to say, when you lose something and got it back after some struggle, you tend to appreciate it more than anything before that...it is true!...because the moment you lost it, you will get to know how important it is to you and how much it means to you...and when you are given a second chance to rewind things, you will know the right thing to do and appreciate...at this hour, i couldnt help but wish that i could have that second chance to appreciate what i had lost...i just hope that im given a chance to do what is right and mend what has broken and build a stronger bond than before...but...it is just on my side...one hand cannot clap, things never work in one way...one way ticket is ticket---to nowhere...

part two

2008-08-30T03:15:00.002+08:00

back home...feeling so tired and pissed with the ktm which caused me to reach home 2 hours later than expected...

today, i had done so many things...not in terms of work...but in terms of effort to mend what needs to...i did what people is suggesting me to do...smile, talk to people and be friendly...i tried...it might be as easy to anyone, but just not me...im able to talk about anything and be as friendly and all, but only to my close friends...i was proud of myself today...i tried putting down everything that is on my shoulder and gather all the courage to talk to them...and it is not too bad...when you want it to happen and you want to do it...it will definately happen...

why is there two posts? it is because i know, after reading her mail, the feeling will be different...i felt so pain suddenly...theres going to be a group trip going on to langkawi...but i aint joining them...of all places, why langkawi? i swore that i will never ever go to that place to anyone besides her unless it is my wife...sometimes things just get very coincident....shes finishing her training already...and i know that once she is done with it, i would not be receiving any emails from her anymore...if nothing changes, im sure that theres going to be plans during her holidays(that is IF im still with her)...and it is all because of what happened, happy events, dates or particular period which is supposed to be happening and happy turned to be lonely and endless pain...

yet again, theres alot of posibilities...theres alot of "IF" in our lives...what IF im smarter, what IF im richer, what IF IF IF...........but we left out one thing....when one thing changes to another, every single thing in our lives changes alongside too and something will come together with it that we might not like it at all...what happened has happened and it happened for a reason and whatever happened, our history, is the reason of what we have today...i always always believe one thing, regardless of what others might think or say...as long as i do my part the best i could and do nothing bad to others even though people did that to me, i believe that there would be more good-ness coming to me...c'est ma vie!!!

from within

2008-08-30T02:57:00.005+08:00

it is friday already? thats fast...the week was going at a very fast pace...at last, the long weekend arrived...today is really a very wonderful day...for the first time ever! i felt happiness once more! its really coming from within, not pretending, not acted, not brought out forcefully but it came naturally...

i had bought and spent on so many things these few days, especially today...buying things that i really appreciate and like...looking back at 2 years ago, i never taught of buying any of these things despite seeing the others having their very own equipments..why? budget was always tight for me and all of them are spent for something else and at that moment of time, these things arent important to me...

today...i do not know how did that happen, but yes....for that few hours, i felt so excited and happy...even thinking of her and going to memorable places doesnt really affect me that much...i really dont know how could that happen...

i went mid valley with my friends today...i came across alot of things in the mall...too much in fact...it is a place where we spent most of time together there...i dont feel the pain that much today but i cant deny that i do miss her...usually i do have very short memory power...but certain things, i think im able to remember for life...august is already coming to an end...the month i feared most, is finishing...this tells me that seriously, nothing is impossible, and nothing you can do to stop everything from moving until your ready...whether you are ready or not, whether you like it or not...the world continues to circulate....

i do not know where i stand today...but i think i moved slightly further...still, it is not easy....

combination

2008-08-28T23:43:00.002+08:00

the relation and communication between people is very amazing sometimes...you can be so close to this person at this moment but the next thing you know that person is your enemy....and it is funny how these things work...when you least expect it to happen, it will happen, when you are dreading it to happen, it will never happen...as again, nothing in this world is constant...everything in this world is everchanging...it is the nature of life...

i taught today is gonna be such a dreaful day...but then, when you least expect it, it did a 360 degrees upturn at the end...life is a path where we need to move on and on till the very end of it...alongside, there are alot of things that we picked up and dropped...this path is actually a combination...it is a combination whereby it changes with time...at different points of our lives, the things that is important to us is different from time to time...when i was with her, all i see in my life is just fairy tales and all about love and relationships but as time passes by, i taught the relationship is stable and i focused on my studies and career but when i almost had what i wanted to achieve, it shifted again, i lose her and it seemed to me that i had lost everything i had back there...and i was forced to a total stop by emotions and feelings and all the regrets came in and drowned me...i once again only sees the importance of her in my life...but then, as time passes by, things is starting to fall together, i see that all these things in life is just a part of it but the main thing in this path and lasts till the very end is our career....without it, our paths will be meaningless and aimless...i shall stick to this point of view and seek for the truself within...

subsiding

2008-08-26T17:21:00.001+08:00

a tiring day once again...the cycle is on and today just made me realise that the cycle is winding up...everything that comes WILL go...term 5, i gained alot of things seriously...and it made me feel that theres a total equation to what i have lost and what i have gain from it...all those fame and every single thing that i enjoyed is fading...even friends...

i sent her a card, 2 mails...she did not even get to read it on her birthday itself...does she even care? i do not know...and today, all she replied was just thanks for all the wishes...is that all? they asked me, what do i expect? but i asked myself...what CAN i expect? do i even have a choice? NO!...

time wil aide me, time will wash away things slowly, yeah, at times it feels that way but then, when things came back and hit me, it hit me just as hard and made me fall just as hard...i really wish i could have more, just a little more luck...its really a cold night out there tonight...walking around the college, the wind is just so cold...

not too bad

2008-08-26T03:12:00.002+08:00

it started badly but at the end of it, its reli not too bad...i do not know what it means but i just know that, we held the choices of what we intend to be in our very own hands...getting on with my daily routine, trying to take things in and cope with it at the same time is really not too bad...maybe it was because i am doing something i like with a bunch of very very good friends...well at least they are to me...

at the end of this indifferent day, i taught its going to be hell...i was still in the college till 7.30pm and i taught i would have dinner alone later on...in a way, i wanted to think and refresh about the past when im alone but then, at least, two of my friends just accompanied me for dinner...and after that, another special friend who were celebrating somebody else's birthday elsewhere just came by and watched a movie with me...what else can i ask for???

the conversation i had with my friends during dinner made me realised one thing...theres alot of people except our family comes and goes from our lives...even the closest friend would one day be further away...you least expect it but it does happen, all the time...and they told me one thing, if nothing changed for the past 5 months, till today, it would all be different, again, if i never lose it, i never know how important it truly is to me, maybe i would even just spend an ordinary night out with her tonight instead of me having big plans for her today after all those things where i know those plans can never be carried out...what is it all about? theres no point to it...we are only able to appreciate when we lose out, especially things that is lost forever...

im still questioning myself...in what position am i in today to her? i felt like im even lesser than a friend...i couldnt even manage to wish her by face to face, by phone or even by words...i do not truly know what happened but im just totally ignored...she called me in the morning, using a public number, and i wasnt in time to answer it...it is all fated...i sent her email and ecards to her wishing her right after the clock strikes 12 but she never read it today...in the end, the urge to call her up in her house just to talk to her was so strong...but in the end, i didnt do it as well...i think i know whats going on...i guess its that she wants to give this special day entirely for him and no one else...is this being selfish? i dunno.....but im quite sure i would have done the same for someone i truly love...my time is over...things shifts over time...all i could say is just appreciate whatever is around you as much as you can and whenever you are able to...

without you guys, i dunno how am i to get through this day...i really do not know how to tell you guys how thankful i am...seriously, god did not take it all away but in a way, god is trying to give me something else for a change...and for that fruitless branch, it is just that my time hasnt come yet and not anytime near future...

its...here...

2008-08-25T01:22:00.004+08:00

in the end, it came...and as expected, tears failed me again tonight...im all by my own...they were trying to help, but theres nothing they can do to turn things around...

writing that card, wishing her, each word written slashes my heart...i do not know why am i so stupid...how can i wish them both be happy...how can i wish someone who took away the day which is supposed to be mine and every single thing that belonged to me to be happy with her? but yes...each word came right from my heart...no matter who is she with, as long she is safe, healthy and happy all the time...

each of us had our own paths to move on...tonight, looking back at the junction once again just made me stop right there...fully defeated...

sometimes i wonder how people get through this stage when they face it? they have been giving me advice and giving me ways to get over this...it never really work...because whether the better or worse situation they had been, it is NOT exactly the same as what happened to me...and i am me, you are you, they are they...i need to find my own way out of this...

Happy 20th Birthday baby...

a fruitless tree

2008-08-24T22:21:00.002+08:00

my day today is busy but it is all empty within...its 24th of august already...in another 2 hours, its gonna be the 25th...for the past 2 years, on this date, at this particular time, i were on the phone with her talking, joking, sharing our day with each other...but two years later, today? im all alone, sitting here, doing nothing, feeling empty and lost...the pain is so intense...especially today...i really have no idea how tomorrow would feel...and i dont think im ready for it...

i cooked for my family today, its a busy day...but why i choose to cook? why today? the reason is simple, cooking can somehow distract me alot rather than spending my day doing something else...still, when i was cooking, flashes of memories came by my mind....im wondering, how happy she would be if she were to see the cake i made....im sure shes gonna like it...but it is just a perception, a taught, i can never know the answer to it...

why is a tree called a fruitless tree? of course the answer would be, it is a tree that once had fruits hanging to its branches but not anymore...a tree grow, mature and bear fruits, the fruit ripens and fell on the ground below and in the end the fruit rot on the ground, provide nutrients to the soil and obsorbed by the tree again....it is a perfect picture of life...i were on the stage where the tree bears the fruit, being so naive, i never taught that the fruit will one day fell from the branches...but i realise, no matter how i dont want it to happen, i still wont be able to stop it...i came to know that once a fruit fell from a branch of the tree, there will never be a second fruit growing on the same branch ever again...the fruit i treasured most fell off the ground and i am just able to watch it rot...and that branch of my heart is left-----------fruitless...

pain

2008-08-24T02:58:00.005+08:00

there is one story that really inspired me today...this story is not told, not read from a book but seen on a face of a boy...but how this story came about is less important, what is important, is the story itself...

once theres a very successful merchant, he is respected and he had what he wanted in life...he had a good wife, kids, a happy family and he is very wealthy...but as people says nothing comes without sacrifices...he had suffered and worked very hard during his younger days in order to obtain what he had...one day he saw this boy, he is poor, looked down by people, did not have the chance to even study and he needs to work at his young age in order to obtain money for his mother and his father died when he was at a very young age...the merchant then recalled his hard times and how he overcome the difficulties but dont get me wrong, although he struggled very hard to obtain what he had but his life was never as difficult as the boy....the merchant then told the boy, "dont worry boy, dont give up, i see brightness in you and im sure that one day you will be a successful person and free from all the hardships you doing, work hard!"...the boy just look at him with the same expression and replied, "not many people are able to have a life like yours no matter what, it is destiny that decides everything and my destiny are all pre planned"... and the boy walked away...

what i see from the story is that pain are able to make people learn more about life...why were there buddhas? it is because they see the pain and sufferings in this world therefore they seek for the truth to free themselves and the others from it as well...but to be free from it, we must know what pain and sufferings truly were...the boy in that story had gone through more sufferings and pain than the merchant therefore despite his young age, what he had learnt about life is even more than the merchant who is much older...people always says that old people are more experienced about life...but not quite in this story...it is just a matter of pain and hardships which makes that boy superior than the merchant in terms of understanding life...

people kept telling me, i deserves someone better, i will find someone better...maybe due to what i had gone through i find that all those words that seemed to be the truth but actually they are just empty words...before telling me these, they forgot one thing, each person is unique, just like i am and you are....we are humans living in this same world but we are uniquely different...so how can you actually compare 2 person which is so different? and how could you say that the next person would be better as there is nothing to compare? see?

so much can be said...so many things seemed true, but when you look closely to every detail, you will find that it is all empty...and it is all just mere words to make me feel better...theres so much to learn but we only had a lifetime to learn...

stillness and awareness of mind at any condition is the key to finding the truth...truth is always within, it depends on you whether you are able to find it or not...

its....coming...

2008-08-23T14:40:00.003+08:00

Its already 23 of august today. The day im fearing the most is approaching, i do not know how would i feel on thaat particular day, but one thing is sure, i wont be feeling happy on that day. Others kept telling me to take it as any other normal day, but the fact is that, that day is not just any ordinary day, it is a day which is special for me and for her. See how ironic words from others can be sometimes. On one side, they tell you to face the truth, on the other side, they tell you to ignore and forget. It just makes me feel that at times, words people gave me are nothing but just words of comfort, words that trying to get me through the hardest and most difficult day. I understand that their only motive of doing all these, saying all these is just to see me smile and be happy from within.

Most of it has been wiped away, re-written with something else which only consists of me. No matter how much things are written on top of the past, the shadows of the past are still visible. Without past there isnt future, they co exist. In order to gain true happiness, we need to know what pain and sadness is all about.

Those who viewed my blog, they often say that its boring and filled with nothing but emotional words which is getting so boring. This is written not to show others how emotional i can get, this is written to record what im going through, to me, its a guide towards a better and happier life and to remind me in the future to appreciate each and every single thing im having. This is the path of pain, leading towards serenity.

what is it?

2008-08-23T04:28:00.002+08:00

today, is just so tiring but i couldnt have felt more relieved...its the end of assessments and its not till the next two weeks where im bugged by exams....today is the birthday of my best college mate...my friend did so much for him to make him happy and he is happy...its all worth the time, effort and also the heart to do all this for him...to me....i used to wish for something like that...i want my day to be filled with all these surprises as well...but today, there might be people doing this for me...but to this point of time, something i used to wish for a very long time, doesnt seem to be as important anymore...maybe again, as human, our nature is where our desire is stronger towards something is hard to get and when things are easily obtained, we never really appreciate or treasure it...this year had impacted alot on me, especially the way i see things and the way i live my life...so many lessons i had been through so far within this year, but i have yet to see the results and the outcome of the lessons im going through....i wonder, when i get out of this, completely, what would it feel like? it is also that so many things happened this year, i tend to question the importance of birthdays among my friends....all this kind of events used to be an opportunity to plan something and make her happy but when it is all gone, what is left is just a hole within...and when this events or occasions comes to mind or happen around my clique of friends, it hurts me alot....today, if it wasnt because he is my best college mate, i wouldnt do this for him...i wouldnt even attend or bother to celebrate with him....because without him in college, i wouldnt have gone through all these and still standing...but when i was there with them, no one truly knows how much pain and how many flashes of the past i had, every flashes in my mind just cuts through my heart for a second, fully healed the next second and the cycle went on for the whole night....but yet i really wanna let him know that i truly treasure the friendship between the 3 of us...the time where we can have fun like this wont be much anymore but at least we enjoyed our times together....

people will definately think that im writing this out just to show that im noble and im being a good friend and brag about it...but the fact is that i just want him and her to know...i treasure our friendship more than anything and i hope it will last no matter what and with you guys around, my life was much much filled than ever before and theres so much fun even though theres the 3 of us...it is not seen on the outside, but it is definately felt on the inside...

it has been really really long dy since everything has passed...but till today, everything seems like it just happened yesterday...the feeling is still there, the pain is still so fresh... i couldnt understand why....people kept telling me time is essential to heal the pain...but the time i took just doesnt seem to have much effect on it...why? im starting to question why am i not letting go of the past where im still clinging on to it? is this true love? is this what love is all about? is this the care i had for her? is it the bond between us? do i really still love her like i do or like i said i do? is it just im hanging on because i couldnt admit that i lost her? am i hanging on to show people im loyal? am i pretending to be loyal subconsciously? i really have no idea....im starting to really ask myself, do i really really still loves her as much as i taught i do? again, the answer lies beneath the roots...i shall seek and find for it...

first time?

2008-08-20T21:26:00.003+08:00

in life how many first times do we have? and some of it, once we lose it , we lose it forever and you do not even have the chance to do anything at all to bring back or undo what is over...appreciating people around us might seem simple but i can almost say that not 1 person that i know is able to do that perfectly...when happy and joyful things happen to us, of course we will love it and each time it happens it will bring the same joyfulness from the first time it happened but when something painful, sad and huge happens, it might only happen once but the pain and regrets lasts a lifetime...to certtain people, yes, this applies, but to some, not at all...of course, to me, it feels like it would last longer than forever....

exam was disastrous today...reason?...time...never in my life i write an essay without a conclusion but today, it is the first time this happened and it is so disappointing...i wish i could have more time...so many things is happening in my life right now but the saddest thing is that i do not have anyone to share it with...no matter how many people or friends i might be with every single day, i cant run away from the fact that im all alone in my own life...the harder i force myself to run, the more it strains my body...the harder i try to move, the more painful it is with the slightest movements...

once more, i questioned why birthdays are so special to others? i once had the answer to it, but now, it brings nothing but fear, pain and hurtful feelings...this is all so damn stupid!!! but the worse of all is that its all happening within me without any of my control...baking that cake makes me reviewed so many things from the past...its all over!!! yes......so whats the point of looking back at it? we need to move on, we need to grow stronger, we need to grow up, we need to learn how to deal with all these....BUT it can never be wiped, it can never leave my memory vaults...we never know how hard something can hit us until it really hits us...you can comment, say anything about it, view it in your way...but it is YOUR thinking, YOUR views, YOUR way of taking things...no one is able to understand, no one is able to feel the pain exactly like i do...all words can do is to bring you as close as possible to what it is like,--------to me.....what is lost leaves a space...a vast, empty, immovable, irremovable, un-refillable------space...just like this paper, with nice borders, awaiting to be filled up with something bizarre, something different but it is____________________empty...

a perfect world

2008-08-17T00:56:00.003+08:00

a perfect world can be a world without war, a world without sufferings, a world without problems, a world without sadness...a perfect world to me is just that everything in my life goes the way i wanted to, everything in my life is at my grasp, my total control and prediction...well, this all doesnt exist do they?

back there i taught i was strong to take anything...but that was because i had everything i ever asked for...i never ever taught she held the key to everything i had back there...i lost her, and everything started to fall apart...days without her, at times, i just feel i had no direction towards where i am heading and everything in front of me seemed unpredictable and it is all so blur...it is true that after all those time i took to bring myself up once again, i am much much better but again, i really couldnt forget what happened, i just couldnt forget all those times and all those words...

i had been trying to avoid any shows, movies or drama related to love...today, so coincidentally, i watched one without knowing...theres this girl who never dated anyone before and she said she wanted a guy who would listen to whatever she says, but at the same time she would want to listen to the guy as well, she wanted a guy who listens and takes in and do whatever she asks him to do but at the same time she wanted the guy to plan things for her, she wanted to be a successful person in life, but at the same time she doesnt wanna work so hard but instead having the guy make her sucessful and give her a easy life...then my friend told me, hmmm, thats a hard guy to find...i viewed my story into it, i did more than that back there...much much more...theres also a scene where a girl were cheated by a guy, took away everything valuable that she had with her including her heart and she doesnt even have her clothes with her and she was walking on the street, i felt the pain deeply in my heart, back there, i had lost every every single thing, it is bad when your heart is broken but it is worse to have a heart so broken and your nothing but a living empty body....things that were important to me are not important anymore, things that i cared most doesnt matter to me anymore...

it is true that im the one making all the choices all these while...im the one who choose to feel sad, im the one who choose to stay behind, im the one who choose not to let go and theres no one to help me except myself...ppl often say that im stupid and stop acting noble or pretend to be loyal...and no one would believe that within 5 yrs, i would still keep my words but i guess no one would know me better than myself...i had started to pick up the pieces of my life that fell off but this, tonight? is just a piece of it that is going to be lost, forever...

reasoning after perception

2008-08-11T00:00:00.003+08:00

out of a sudden, with all the things going on, projects, assignments, homework, presentations, baking, clock is ticking extremely fast without mercy, im moving with the flow but my feelings somehow just couldnt keep up...there are so many interesting elements in my life now, truly what i wanted before this and i am happy most of the time now, but when everything slows down, it will once again flow back, flooding me with it, the past........

when i was so busy baking and trying to fight time, my phone is right there on the table, looking at it each time, wondering whats wrong with it...it used to beep continuously with sms-es, phone calls from time to time, sweet, encouraging words all coming from the very same phone...i still remember, whenever im busy baking something, the reason im fighting time is not because of assignments or getting rest but attending to something much important to me-within...back there, i had the elixir of love to do anything, to cope and face anything at all...it is never ending, it will never stop flowing and it seemed to have infinity flow of it...right now, without it, it might seem that its no big deal but then at times, where you really need it, you will know the importance of it...its something so amazing that no one can truly know what miracles it can bring to us...at times, we often say why we dont know why we are doing so much for the person we love, ppl say they are blinded by love BUT----- perception towards that particular person in our inner selves is the answer...from that very second where you perceives that he/she is the one, there goes, everything that she does, will seem good to you no matter what people say or comment about it but if theres one person where you perceived as a bad person, every single thing he/she does is just wrong...from the second that she choose not to love me anymore, she can say anything or give any reasons but that was not the answer to it, the answer is simple, her innerself already decided to leave...we always think and guess and be puzzled and stucked there with what happened or what is said, we always sees the fruit but we never ever realised the roots beneath...what happens today is not important, i shall not question why this all happened, but from now onwards i will only ask myself on how to have a better and solid foundation if i had the chance once more, now, or the future...my heart deep within just feels like its in a deep and dense forest, filled with snow and bone cracking wind blowing non stop...

let it go

2008-08-09T01:19:00.002+08:00

its really a very unhappy day for me...i taught it is all gonna end up very very well and everyone would be happy and appreciate what i had done but as again, life has shown me once again that not everything will go as planned or the way you wanted it to...temper failed me once again, i never got so angry in my whole entire life and this is the first time i ever felt that burning sensation within my heart and i just felt like bursting fire out of my mouth...i wasnt like that last time, hardly get mad at anything at all, in fact never really am angry at something or someone more than a day...as we grow, as the environment around us changes and we tend to have more things in our lives than before, the inner self within us will evolve as well...i had become someone who is so not me and not one person whom i knew 10 years ago would believe who i had become today...

its really the time to move on, i had stayed way too long than im supposed to...i had my own life right now and she had her own, although we both had lead a very different path now, the existance of the junction where we parted could not be denied...either we embrace it or drag it on long enough to see it turn sour...

start small

2008-08-05T21:13:00.002+08:00

when arrogance conquer us, that is when we start to fall...most of us had done the same mistake, having arrogance take over us and at times we tend to feel we are so called larger than life...we will think that we are too good or too important to do certain simple thing and we tend to think that since we are good, i would only focus on the big things and leave small things to people with smaller roles...that is why the people who is sucessful and people who are able to reach the peak will never take small matters for granted and they will observe the smallest thing that might affect them especially for those who works under them because only when small matters are done the best it could, then comes the bigger picture and bigger success...

the vast sea has lots of rivers flowing to it...the high mountains are formed by different small mountains...

i had done something which i regretted so much...im really sorry and i didnt mean to hurt or affect anyone that much...i swear i would not do that again...

full yet blank

2008-08-04T01:02:00.002+08:00

its definately a great day today...im so satisfied with everything i had done today...it was hectic and busy but still fun...haha...really nothing can give me this kind of feeling and that tells me im in the right path in choosing my career and i can almost say that im gonna be in this industry for a very very long time...

as again, my day always ended badly...when i came home, my mum told me that my dad is drunk and he had an accident...but luckily he is not hurt...but well, at times, at the end of a very tiring day, what i really dont want is just these kind of things....i guess things just happen without us controlling it though...

driving home...being so darn tired, so wanna sleep...but the feeling is just that i want to share what i had done this great busy day with someone...someone who is waiting, someone who is waiting for your call to listen and know what has happened today...it could be so so perfect if that person is still here or even i had a person like that in my life...but that person is no longer there...whats a tiring day worth if your all going home driving alone where your phone wont ring and you dont have anyone to call...the day is just so full of satisfaction and everything but then at the end of it, it is actually blank...its like a great story but it doesnt have an ending to it...

believe

2008-08-03T00:08:00.004+08:00

its really a very enjoyable day today and the satisfaction rate of the day? more than i can expect...its a busy and also tiring day but then very very enjoyable..the passion in me has once again proven to me that it is able to return me with undescribable joy and happiness while working in the kitchen, but of course, if it is not done with the best of friends, the effect wouldnt be the same...i was thinking in my heart, how good it would be if one day when we have all graduated and work in the same place together...i think not only the productivity will be very high but the bond of friendship will just get thicker and thicker and im sure it wouldnt feel like working at all, but fun every single day...im hoping that day would come...but sometimes things arent always as beautiful as we want it to be...well...we just have to live with it though...

everything was perfect today, until the dinner at night...even the dinner is really really great...thanks to yen ^^...im sorry for being a little worn out during dinner...cuz reli tired...on the way back, on the highway, looking at the empty sky...no matter how full my day is, there is a great empty space in my heart deep within...a space where nothing can fill...different spaces in my life are filled, and in fact more compartments are created for that matter but yet, no matter how many compartments are created, this empty space which has nothing in it, yet it still meant so much to me and it can never be deleted for the rest of my life...love only comes to the people who believes in it...the thing is that what does love has to offer and bring to a person who lost faith in everything that he once possessed and a heart which has broken into countless fragments? this heart are able to come together once again when the time is sufficient but the thing is, there is definately going to be a few fragments missing...

linked

2008-07-31T23:29:00.002+08:00

oops...this week's kitchen week again...ummm...its worse than i expected it to be...all the comment i got is that, its too ordinary, i expected to see more from you...and yeah...its not that i did not put any effort in planning the menu...its just that my knowledge is so limited...all these while, i loved to cook because i love to eat...i cook according to what i think is nice and my feelings...i never really look out for something new, something that is bizarre, something that is so extraordinary, something that is hard to do or something very unusual...no...i cook what i think think is nice, taste good, satisfy my taste buds, make people happy and im happy...thats it...that is why what i know about the new trend right now is so so limited compared to others...but well its just so disappointing...after all those things i went through, i cant really see where i will stand or where i will be in the next 5 years...its very blur right now...im just moving with the flow but not plowing my own path, a path which i wanna walk...

cooking has always been very enjoyable and very satisfactory at times when im able to make people happy and sometimes my ability to cook links me to more people...i love what im doing...and today, its just a disappointing day...im not defeated by the words thrown at me or defeated by the others, but im defeated by, myself...i cannot lose....i cannot afford to lose...but then, it is so obvious that i lost...and it just felt so bad....what happened today is once again linked to something similar, but nothing to do with my career, something related to the past...thinking of her is just like adding salt, vinegar, lemon juice to my wound...

when something ends or over, from the second that it is decided, anything that happens the next second just doesnt matter anymore...life is full of mysteries and also miseries...and you never really know what is the result of something until the moment of determining it arrives, even the very last second counts and matters but once it is decided, it is history...

all along....

2008-07-30T22:14:00.003+08:00

ever since that rare rainbow appeared in my life...my story has always been her and me...its always her, and me...i put her beyond everything in my life...she is the essense of this story of mine...but as time goes by...it somehow switched to my "my story with her"...it is just i found my life rather than living my life of hers...i continued the story of "my life completed with her alongside"...i taught it would be a never ending story...but too bad..everything that we had at that moment just couldnt sustain that change...and it ended...in a very unsatisfied and painful way...but well...it is over already...so much has been done to continue the story but it just couldnt be helped...and there goes, a beautiful story started off, developed, sustained, facing a downturn and ended...

winter may be cold
but with you warming my heart
it never feels cold

days without you
although the sun is blazing hot above
my heart within is as cold as a winter night can bring

Dreaming is easy

2008-07-28T11:36:00.000+08:00

Waking up from a dream is the hardest part...especially when you already been dreaming for such a long time...waking up and facing the reality is frankly so damn hard...why everything seems so inter-related to the past...related to things which I’m working on to forget...I’m really wondering how much harder can this get?...it is the hardest thing I ever encountered...

Once more I’m feeling as though I’m starting to lose everything once again...was it my thinking or it is just happening?...I just dunno what is the right thing to do...and I know what I have done really pisses you off...but I dare say that I do everything without feeling any guilt and I do everything with the right heart and I have no regrets...if you think im someone whos not worth knowing...i have nothing to say seriously...all I just hope is understanding...but I think I have been given such a reasonable amount of understanding...and I thank you for that...

Some things just never heal...some things just stays there...some things just never change...taught kills...and today im defeated by it once again...i have changed so much...and I hope all these worth the pain...slowing down is a way when things just get overheated...movement stopped at this moment...till it moves again...rainbow shall re-appear and the noble truth shall be revealed...

imaginary steps

2008-07-26T16:25:00.002+08:00

retreating is advancing and advancing is retreating...sometimes when you taught you were moving forward, you are actually moving backwards...sometimes you just couldnt understand why all these happened and why it has to be that way...is this the fruit of the past or the seeding for the future? are you in debt to someone in the past or are people in debt of you and are to be repaid to you in the future? the cyle of life is so so so deep...sometimes it seemed so simple to understand and to catch but sometimes you are just lost in nowhere...

when i taught i have been walking forward, actually im moving backwards...but why it seemed to me that im moving forward? i guess it is because im afraid to look back and around me...that is why my view is only focused at the picture in front...and now, i realise the image before me is not getting closer....i only know one thing...the happier times you had before, the more painful heart you will have when you lose it....

one cannot be enlightened by another...teachings only shows the way...no one puts the worries and problems within us therefore no one are able to take it away...the only way out is purifying your hearts....

a night...too quiet...

2008-07-25T00:00:00.003+08:00

such a tiring day today...being in the college from 1o to 10 at night...how tiring can that be?...kitchen is fun!...its the first class of the term for hot cooking...enjoyed it....and feeling so satisfied with what i had done, it lifted my heart a little...

i had done so much to get on...i tried focusing and putting my energy in something else...i tried to forget....i tried to take it easy...i tried not to think bout it and do something else and enjoy my time spent with my friends in college...i really taught i was very far from the starting point....looking at the dark sky tonight....deep down inside....loneliness is still haunting me....that wound never really heal no matter how i pretend it has gone alot better....choosing to ignore the pain can be helpful at times....but when the times of realisation comes....its can be so disastrous....

every since that night...i realised alot of things...truly realised what is going on...things are impossible to undo...deep inside me...that heavily locked vault, reopened once again...and i found out that every single thing in my life can never be the same as before anymore no matter how hard i try to accept things and face it! and i think i have to change the way of me living life and be a different person and maybe im able to get through all these...i know its getting boring...i know people whos reading this think im such a dumbass...yeah i am...i really do not know how many times this has to happen...again, again and again and i really couldnt tell when this will end, completely...

rainbows can never really end...and to those who appreciate and believe the beauty and the magical feelings it can bring...that magical image will stay in your eyes for as long as you can breathe...till today...that image of that double rainbow on that beautiful evening is still so deeply carved into my heart and still exists before my very eyes in the empty, dark, starless sky...

smaller picture

2008-07-20T22:58:00.004+08:00

another boring and blank day...so many things to be done but then the mood is really not there to do anything at all but just slacking...is this somehow a comfort zone? am i hiding from the world out there in this comfort zone...well...some said yes...but i dont think so...everything around us and even us are constantly changing from time to time...to this moment, i aint hiding from anything else...it is just, im not ready...but the spirit within is growing with time...the flame is still burning...and once it is blazing hot enough, im sure it will soar high...

today again, people told me that i have changed alot after all those things....i became someone quite different from before...from someone so quiet and so arrogant, turning into someone very friendly and sociable...and yeah, i have more friends than i ever had...the big picture seems to show that i have lost alot recently...but then, when i look at the picture in detail, i realised there are alot of smaller pictures within, telling me that my life has never been so full before and right now after all those things, my life is definately more colourful...it might not be as beautiful but yet, there are more colours in it now...so why should i just look at the big picture and stop right there where i can look closer and see more things in smaller scopes...

seeing is only an act, but the information of what the eyes sees is registered and analysed in our brains and felt by our hearts...open them wider and more things will come to you...

predictability...zero

2008-07-20T10:12:00.004+08:00

it is funny how things happen...you can never guess whats coming next...you can predict, you can expect, you can do whatever you want but you can never ever truly predict whats gonna happen next...life is definately short...that is why, living life the best you could is essential...take note of things happening around you all the time is also one of the key...because you dont wanna miss any parts of your life...

as we go along...i have learnt something...we must not push everything to the max...what i meant is the relation and interaction between us and the people around us...because you can never know what the future has in store for you...i never guessed that i would be mixing around with the groups of friends today...and after these few weeks...it totally changed my perception towards each and everyone of them....my perception of them when we were still in high school is totally different and thank god at that time, i happen to leave that space open and not push it to the limits and now that space has expanded and the friendship goes on....like ppl used to say, in interacting with people, leave a line there as to allow further development in the future because you can never know what brings you and that person together again in the future and you might even seek help from that person...

people that you think your not gonna lose...friends that you taught could last forever...people that you taught never gonna betray you....one day it will all change...but to how much would it change...it depends on your own doing...its just sometimes...dont predict...dont assume...dont hope....as it is nothing of your control...so just walk on and let the flow lead you but not trying to predict whats in front...this way, you will have much carefree life...

has it stopped???...maybe not...

2008-07-19T02:49:00.002+08:00

it was a tiring day once again despite having 12 hours of sleep...classes has never been this fun before although i did not really learnt or catched anything the lecturers were throwing at me...but yes....it was very fun being able to mingle around with the others....and i totally forgot about something that bothers me every single day before this...and when i was heading back home...i taught i had moved a very big step forward....feeling satisfied with myself...i went out for a movie, again....and it was good...i enjoyed it so much although having to sit at the 5th row from the screen...pls do watch red cliff for those who loves chinese history...its really good but kinda disappointing when it stopped halfway before the battle is over and it had to be continued on the second part....driving home feeling so full with what i had for my day...briliant...this is the life it is supposed to be....

reaching home, entering my room, looking at my laptop...oops...i havent check my mail for today...its gonna be sat tmr...and i started hoping....hoping that one of the mail that is sent to me will tell me where and when to meet someone tmr...yeah..that email is from her...but i was desperately searching for any words telling me that im meeting her tmr...but no....there isnt any...feeling so disappointed...once again...my day ended badly...deep inside...its bleeding...i wonder, how long more will it take to fully heal this...all i know now is that, the healing rate has picked up its pace...the path of serenity is nearing....but still...its painful...

fate

2008-07-17T21:20:00.002+08:00

fate sometimes is undeniable...alot of people choose not believe because they choose to believe that their life is at their very own hands...today is just as grey as expected after the storm yesterday...feeling so darn tired today, forced by my conscious to get up in the morning and attend class...dont really feel like talking the whole day...

when i was on my way back, taking the train...i saw my neighbour which is kinda close to me and my family...she was waiting for the train in the same station as i am...she got in...i got in to the other door trying not to bump into her cuz i dont feel like talking to anyone...but then, i realised, her husband was there at the other end...then i came to see, sometimes, when things are fated...no matter how and no matter in what situation, when 2 person are fated to meet or to be in a place, you will definately meet and when you are not fated to be together...no matter how hard you try, how sad you can be or how painful ur making yourself, it just cannot happen...

its really weird when we talk bout things like this...its unexplainable, but yet, i can feel the existance of it...im wondering when would the person that is fated to be mine will show up or even return...........i shall wait.............

unpredictable

2008-07-17T01:31:00.002+08:00

the day started off really well, besides feeling extremely tired but it ended quite badly...the whole day was kinda fun with all those lame craps, jokes and fooling around is really nice...on the other hand, work is piling up again...well, just have to face it and finish it as soon as i could...

today, realising how limited my abilities are compared to others just feels so bad...but somebody asked me why i always have to feel and think the negative way? me myself dont know...maybe confidence is not really my thing....

back at home...feeling good and energetic...taught i would just spend a night out alone and watch a movie since its wednesday...on my way there, i taught it would be better if i have someone to come along with me...but then, everything is planned by GOD...i couldnt find anyone to come along...so there i went, queing up for the tickets...i taught i was strong today to take this in...i taught im able to enjoy it today, alone...in the end, i realised its not quite that way...feeling embarassed walking alone and buying ONE ticket and being looked at as though im some psycho just kinda wiped off my mood...walking the closed mall alone is really not a very nice thing to do...you walked and walked and walked for that one hour reli makes me feel so dumb...and people just have to look at me in a different way...is it me thinking too much or what? i guess not...even i would look at someone whos walking alone waiting for the movie to start...

the movie started well...just like my day...two people who were created together and are meant to be in pairs for the rest of their life, it is just so sweet right...but ironically, they arent able to be together and they would be much better off if they are separated and the further apart they are, the better life it would lead to the both of them, each of them walking their own path despite the bond they had between them...how can such thing happen...yeah...its a movie...but it does happen to alot of people out there...still, as long as the other half is healthy and happy living their own life in a different path, it is a blessing to their heart as well...that is something so amazing which is known as, LOVE...

LIFE is in between

2008-07-13T14:47:00.003+08:00

sun rises and sets...things starts and ends...things created and disappear...lives being born and taken...in this world we are living in, there are countless lives created and countless lives disappear...also there are countless lives struggling to live on and countless lives struggling for a better life....and all of these lives that exists lives in the same cycle...the same cycle that me and you are living...BUT why do we have to be born and what is the purpose of living and what brought us here? what is life all about?

a Zen master once said this, the reason that we are born to this world, this cycle, is to await death to bring us back from where we came from and out of this world and this cycle...and the process of awaiting the day for us to leave in between is different based on individuals...and that process in between is called life...and each and everyone of us is going through a different process, and that is what makes us unique and different...

look at it in a bigger picture...what makes life such a big deal where it is just a process of awaiting death and in the end, no matter what process you have been through in between life and death, everyone comes and returns to the same point where it started, regardless of what you had in life...

ironically...people often said that it is always the process that matters......and to start is to end but ending only means its a start of another new beginning....in the end of it...as again...it is up to you to determine what you choose to believe and think...

how far it is?

2008-07-12T21:36:00.002+08:00

people often said that when your in bad luck then everything will turn upside down and everything seemed to be wrong...and people often tell me, getting drunk will help to forget things for a few hours...but after yesterday, it seemed not...in fact it only made me realise even more of what kind of situation am i in and where do i stand...its so hard....and it is really true that when you try hard to make something go away, the harder it will bounce back and hit you harder...everything just went wrong again today...things i made just didnt turn out the way it should be...im wondering, what else i can do rightly...i put effort, focus, concentration and heart to doing it...but in the end, it still didnt work...i wonder why....maybe my bad luck isnt over yet...when is it gonna end?

looking at the clear blue sky....wondering....im looking at the sky, but how far actually im looking...it looked so near but the fact is, it is so far away...the journey ahead is still a long way to reaching the destination...but yet, i can see it...

endless

2008-07-09T22:40:00.002+08:00

i do not know how much i could take further...i do not know much tears i still had until its all drained...things just hit me so hard today, pushing my limits and in the end it seems im not up to the challenge...and not only one thing...waves of incidents just happened so coincidently until i really have to kneel down and admit fate, destiny and GOD's almighty...i couldnt fight over fate...i can never win...today, GOD is just trying to let me see and realise whereby certain things really cannot be forced....and certain things is just fated and i just need to face it with a willing heart....its my fate...but is it my fate too that i cant let things go? is it my fate too that i must be dragged on by all of these? i always believe everything is within our own palms...and as long we are able to do our best, we could achieve what we wanted...it seems not, we still have to follow our own fate and destiny planned by GOD in certain matters...it seems i had gone the wrong way...and today, i think all of those that happened is a warning and a sign telling me to get back to the right path...is letting go and freeing myself for good is really an exit to all these? i will try and im praying that i would not fall this hard ever again....time will show....

its never easy

2008-07-08T22:14:00.002+08:00

its been months already...but i cant really seem to defend myself towards these emotion thingy...it kept hitting me again and again and i doubt it would ever stop coming back...maybe it was because it was just the 2nd day im back to college...there are new challenges and i just couldnt find a way to fight it, YET....its a bad day...and yeah...you just wanna turn it around, sing a sad song and go for a ride and hope it blows it all away...but it still comes back the next day...things just doesnt go the way you wanted them to be...

the phone reminds me of so many things...each time picking it up it just feels different...the person and the number that it used call and the first to be on top of the list...is no longer there...sometimes its just...picking it up...but not knowing why i picked it up...actually, it is all a routine...a routine which takes time to change it to something else...nothing is easy...and this...is the hardest thing i ever fought...you youself is the worst enemy of yourself but being able to take over it would only bring great rewards beyond...

feels different

2008-07-07T13:23:00.002+08:00

its the first day back to college after 5 weeks of holidays which i kinda wasted doing nothing....time really flies...looking back...it is already 2.5 years since high school times is over...and its already the third year in college...so many things has happened and changed... today is really a new beginning and its a good start...its just alot of things just feels so differently...today is the day that i once again attending class but it is the first day that im doing it with something missing and so many things changed...i just hope things will get much better as time goes by and it is already much better than before and than i expected it to be...

i guess the key to moving forward lies in the past...from now on, i think i will do my best to control emotions and not be overuled by it, transform environment and not be transformed by it...yesterday is history, today is a gift and tommorow is a new beginning filled with mysteries of life...

definition of energy

2008-07-06T22:00:00.003+08:00

a form of energy may be transformed to another form but the level of energy remains the same...

someone who is able to give you the time of your life also means that the same person is also able to bring you the hardest time in your life...again, it is a cycle...every matter or things in this world goes through stages of creation, development, deterioration and in the end, destruction...and when the time has come when it needs to leave, it is again, depending on the way we take or see it...

love is the greatest gift of god to mankind but it also has great destructive powers....it brings hope and happiness to people and make the world a much better place....but to certain people, they had experienced the disasters and nightmare it can bring...

on my way

2008-07-05T23:36:00.003+08:00

its certainly not a very joyful day today...theres alot of friends whos gonna leave and most of them already left...gone to persue in their own path in life...its just so grey inside me the whole day...but i just couldnt really put it in words of why im feeling that way...perhaps im just missing all of them...

i realised that everyone has their own life, and me? i cannot just keep hanging on others to move on...after today, im gonna be on my own, i dont know whats gonna come next but i just know that i really need to find my own path of life, perhaps a different path from before BUT a path of my OWN...without all those words, help, encouragement, advise, time that you all had given me and spent for me...i wouldnt even be here today, i might already be six feet under...its really time, to get back to myself and be who i was...before the 14th of october, i think i will be able to find back all the pieces of me and a new beginning...

its gonna be the 6th again...and its the 4th month that this date of the month is bothering me greatly...its a day of refreshing what has happened...and yeah, its really proven that each time im moving somewhere forward, things will happen and pull me back...its not just the date....but something more...

fallen

2008-07-02T03:28:00.000+08:00

thank u shean and simon for giving me a great time...its been long since i last had fun with games like that...if im not mistaken, its during i was form 4 where i truly enjoyed playing games with friends...dont get me wrongly, when i were playing with you guys, deep down inside me, im thinking bout her and missing the times where i played games with her...pls do not think that what you guys done for me and the times i guys gave me is not as good as her...but just...one thing links to another and the times i had with you guys and her is totally a different thing...and yeah....i reli enjoyed...and shean...at that moment when you said lets play again some other time, my heart leapt...i dunno when that time would be...i dunno how long would i have to wait for that time to come...i so wished that you could just come back anytime and just play with us again...and again, things dont always go the way you wanted...yeah, everything that comes has to go and everything that started has to end...this is a cycle, we cannot run from it, all we can do is just look at it in a different way...every ending might not always be the end at all as it is the process of getting to a new beginning...

opening that cupboard once again is so painful...this is the second time where tears failed me again...i didnt expect that, reading back each word...its just so painful...i never never taught i would come to this day...i never expected something so strong would still break...never taught such deep feelings would just vanish...everything is just like a dream...an interesting, happy, sweet and painful dream...it feels like only yesterday im together with her...it feels like 2 yrs is gone in a blink of the eyes...everything ENDED...today's battle is a total loss...but the battle goes on, new battle tmr, new challenges to face...at the very end, its still up to me, alone...i have to walk through this myself...i dunno what comes next...but i hope every day that goes by is getting me nearer to the exit of this tiring and painful path...

some things never change

2008-07-01T16:42:00.000+08:00

the surface of the earth itself changes constantly although slowly...the hardest rock will also deplete if it is hit continously by the waves...but sometimes, something that is not even solid and cannot be seen by others will tend to stay unchanged...it is FEELINGS and MEMORIES...not many people will agree to this...but to me, yes...the feelings i had towards her, never changed until today...the memories i had with her, is just there, framed right there in my heart...everything had changed, everything had stopped and everything had ended...but all those things is right there, locked in the vault within me, unchanged and forced to be put away, deep inside...i wonder when will i be able to be in the state of serenity...no one knows, no one is able to tell me, even i dont know myself but i just know that day will definately come...im waiting...

is there right or wrong?

2008-06-30T15:14:00.000+08:00

everything that happens has different sides of it, depending on the way you look at it...So, how do we actually determine whether the decisions that we make is right or wrong because when we look at it in a different angle, its different...right can be wrong and wrong can be right...do we really need to make the decision first and then only we could find out whether its right or wrong when we go down the path we choose? but if that is so, how do we actually know the other path that we DID not choose is a right or a wrong path? because we never took it...

a simple thing can get so complicated and something complicated can be simplified...

pandora's cupboard

2008-06-29T20:45:00.000+08:00

this occured to me when i opened my cupboard...i opened my cupboard and saw the things kept inside there and i immediately closed it...but it was too late...it already went into my mind, triggering my heart once again...i do not know why the hell i opened it...but maybe its a gift...a gift given by the gods to pandora...CURIOSITY...im curious to know what i would feel when i open the door of the cupboard again...and now i know it...pain and regrets...

according to the greek myth, pandora's box was given by Zeus that created her...she is created as a punishment for mankind...and she had been given lots of unique gift from the gods which one of it was curiosity...and also because of this gift, the box that contained greed, vanity, slander, lying, envy, pining and HOPE is opened and all these that is within that box is released into the world, except HOPE...the reason was because she closed it as soon as she opened it and only HOPE is stopped from being released into the world...does this mean that HOPE doesnt exist in this world? all those hopes that people are giving to each other is none other than lies? is hopes all empty words that filled with lies? can someone tell me?

to those who is curious of what is inside that cupboard of mine...use your imaginations...to those who knows whats inside, you should know why i came by to write this...within that cupboard contained so many memeories...just looking at one thing, the pictures of each and every single item inside there is flashing in my mind...hmmm...i guess its time to let it be closed...till the time comes...

everchanging clouds

2008-06-29T17:21:00.000+08:00

the clouds is swirling in the sky today...its gonna rain...to me...it gives me a very different feeling when its about to rain....maybe it was because of emotions again...im sure if someone were to be in a very good mood, even rainy days will be full of joy...but for those who is troubled, will ask themselves, GOD knows how i felt, thats why, the sky is just like my mood...

looking at the clouds, it never stay still...questions kept arising in my mind...why cant everything stay the same? how come things changes constantly? who actually controls them? is it destiny or GOD's plan? and what makes everything change? is it our own doing? just like the saying that says, whatever we does is seeding and whatever happens due to our doing is the fruit...but how true is it? no one could really give me an exact answer or maybe there isnt any answers at all...

life is so deep...to truly understand it, it may take a lifetime or some might not find what it truly meant till the day we leave...why do we exist and what brings us here today? its all up to YOU to determine...

is birth day reli THAT special?

2008-06-28T17:58:00.000+08:00

im sure that each and everyone loves their birthday...waiting eagerly for the whole year for that particular day to come...we are always granted what we want on our birthdays as long as its a reasonable one...we get special treatments on that day from our friends and family especially...some of you all might have extended curfew or permission from your parents to do something that you arent allowed to do normally...

but there are different stories to listen to from different people...what a birthday means to a person is different to each and every one of us...

today, we did something for our friend on her birthday...of course, her best friends are all there for her...and yeah...shes happy about it...i was right there, looking at her...thinking, is this what our birthdays is all about? being as happy as you could on this special day, be with our friends and family and have a feast and celebrate it? is it that simple?

i started to look back at my own story...for 17 years...i can say that none of my birthday is THAT special...the way i look at my birthday is nothing but just a normal day with just something extra to eat...i never truly felt happy on that day,....instead i dont really want that day to come because on that particular day, it would only make me realise how dull my life was...how lonely i was...its true i have family to celebrate this day...but still...it just doesnt make me feel that day so special...and the only thing i look forward to in this day is the wish making, my wish all these while is to have a better birthday next year and having more colours in my life...and yeah...2 yrs back...i had something special on this day...i had something new, someone special to celebrate this day with me and filled me with surprises...and since then....i found out how special and happy this day can be to me...and i started to eargerly wait for the return of this day again...

but this year...its all so different...i dont want this day to come...cuz its never gonna be the same again...i think from now on...this "special" day is gonna be just like any normal days...

observing rather than getting involved

2008-06-28T03:20:00.000+08:00

today i attended a farewell party of my friend...he is leaving to aus for further studies...quite a number of people were there...his secondary school friends, college mates, even cousins are there...i stood there by the side, watching them, the atmosphere is very fun...i can feel it...each and every one of them is trying to have some fun with their great friend before he leaves for months...THEN i realised something...his ex gf stood there...watching him, and smiling...i dunno about what shes feeling inside...but to me, i can definately say, she feels happy, no sign of sadness of any sort...

i think inside me...i tried putting myself in her shoes... someone you love, someone you care, someone you've been with for 2 and a half yrs is standing there right in front of your eyes, in HIS FAREWELL PARTY, if it were me, i really couldnt find myself standing there and smiling...and its a smile from within...ITS IMPOSSIBLE...but yes...it happened...and watching you there...i felt the pain...right there...i just couldnt look at you any longer...because, i feel the pain so much...so real...and i just hope to see you both getting together once again...and have happy times together...all the best to your studies over there...all the best...and cheers for you both...

memory waves

2008-06-27T12:59:00.000+08:00

each day that goes by seemed to be a progress...and yes, there is a slight progress and i already started to think that what happened to me a month ago is a joke and its stupid...but memories is what memories are...they stay in you, follow you wherever you go and washes you away at times causing you to wake up in the middle of it, feeling helpless and lost in the middle of this particular sea...

to me, those arent just normal happy memories, everybody has...but the countless memories created between me and her for the past 2 yrs is memories that can never ever leave my heart, it is craved into my brain, heart and soul...

it was a tiring day yesterday, and a full schedule day...i taught the things that im supposed to do will distract me somehow and i didnt think i wont be able to stand ground when that wave of memories hit me...after going to college, i went back to the place i had my internship to do my clearance and on the way of going there, i passed by alot of "memorable places"...and there goes, the waves just kept hitting me... and yeah...i was washed away once again....feeling pain deep down inside...the feeling is like, you couldnt hear any sounds around you anymore, everything is switched to silent mode...the pictures you see is just grey, everything around you is grey....im walking, in a place where theres full of people, but my mind wasnt thinking at all...just walking and walking forward until my friend called me...it woke me up, i tried to be as normal as i can...but deep down inside...i know, the scar is bleeding...

unconditional love

2008-06-26T23:55:00.000+08:00

I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me. Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, he filled the palm of his hand with some water and held it before me, and said this: "You see this water carefully contained on my hand. It symbolizes Love"

This was how I saw it: As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, it will spill through the first cracks it finds.

This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love ... they try to posses it, they demand, they expect ... and just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will retrieve from you. For love is meant to be free, you can not change its nature.

If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings. Give and don't expect. Advise, but don't order. Ask, but never demand.

It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. It is the secret to true love.To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring." Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; but by the moments that take our breath away.

It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime...

is the truth hidden in the water?

2008-06-26T23:40:00.000+08:00

to others, yes, water symbolises love...but to me, not exactly...to me, love is a promise, a bond that binds 2 very different person into one, making both person responsible to each others...and like what it is said, give and dont expect, ask but never demand, well that is what i did...but somehow, it still ended this way...why? i think it is because to preserve that bond, to keep the promise, we need to nurture the bond, make it thicker so that even one day something were to threaten that bond, it would not snap instantly...BUT the hardest thing of all is that, to have both person nurturing the bond with the same amount of care, trust, and love...and it can never be done by only one person, it ALWAYS requires both parties...

So many definitions of love exists in this world, each and every one of it has its own truth...and yea, all i can say is that, no one can truly understand what love is, and maybe that is why, people are so obsessed of it....obsessed to find out what love is all about...GOOD LUCK in searching what LOVE meant to YOU...

the world is a shpere

2008-06-25T23:43:00.000+08:00

people always says, what goes around comes around...well, people who doesnt really encounter matters related to this saying, would not really understand what it truly meant...i couldnt say that i understand, because for us, no one is perfect and no one is the same and each and every single matter in this world has different sides, angles and perspectives...BUT can anyone give me an answer to this, is it a MUST for something that comes to go/leave?

in order to gain something, you have to lose something...its just that everytime when we evaluate matters, we tend to only see what we will gain but is that what it is all about? to me, i dont think so, right now i only sees what i have lost but yet it doesnt mean that i dont realised what i have gained...and of course, we CANNOT have it all...it is almost impossible that a person only gains but never lose anything...

I taught i had everything i wanted half a year ago...but now that i have realised, actually, the feeling of owning everything i wanted is a sign telling me, something will have to go, very very soon...many of you would be wondering why i said this...it is because, in my whole entire life, i never had this feeling until Jan 2008...i had a bunch of old friends, im meeting alot of new college friends, my existing friends are becoming my close friends, i can do what i wanted, go where i wanted, im keeping up with my studies better than ever before, my life were never this interesting, everyday's schedule is filled, do things which is enjoyed most...but i did not foresee one thing...my time was taken and filled with other things...and all those times taken, previously belonged to a person beside me who tends to share a heart with me...at that moment, i taught im gaining more and more things, everything that i wanted, but something is also moving further and further away from me...its not something is i want...its not something that i expected...its not something that is meant to happen...but yes, it happened...i lost something that im nurturing for the past two yrs...she choose to leave...i did so many things to bring her back...and in the process of it, one by one, things that i gained is escaping my grip, studies screwed up, reputation thrown down the drain...each and everything in my life just freaking escaping my grip...or maybe, i choose to let go all those things...but its just today, i know that even im able to get her back, it can never be the same and whatever that left will never come back...but it will always remain as the greatest regret of my life...

this is a cycle, we are living in it...at 12pm the sun is right on top of your head but the next 12 hours, the sun is under your feet...you dont see it, you dont notice it, you dont know it, you arent the one controlling it BUT ITS HAPPENING whether you like it or not...but one thing you can do to make a slight difference, take note of everything that happens around you...each and every second of it...dont be blinded by things, people or matters happening around you...make sure you know and realise every changes that is happening before its all gone before your very eyes and your did not realise it and you arent able to accept it...dont ever let that happen to you...its hard...but its still possible...live with an open heart...do not be afraid that your gonna lose something when you do it because the truth is, only by opening your heart to the world and people around you, only your able to let more things come to you...

life without regrets is a lie! but destiny is on your own palms...all we can at least do is...whenever we have a choice or decision to make...make sure we choose the decision to bring out the best in yourself and to people around you...

~hweekoon~

stories of the sentient beings

2008-06-23T15:55:00.000+08:00

each and every person has a story to tell...and most of the times, it is about the difficult or hard times in that particular person's life...to us who is listening to it, yes, those stories are very interesting but to me, i always realised something, the person who tells the story always emphasizes on the outcome of the story or the things that person had learnt from it because to them, at that point when they share their story, the thing that they truly wanna highlight is who they were today after all those hard times they have been through...

life is constantly changing with or without us realising it...it has been almost 20 yrs i exist in this world...i never dreamt that i will come to this day with all those things following behind me...i just couldnt believe what had happened to me...

after entering college, i changed alot...i hardly have friends around me...and from young, i always wanted to have a bunch of friends who cared for me and be there for me whenever i needed someone...my biggest fear is darkness and loneliness...but today, after what happened, i actually had so many people around me...trying their very best to bring me up to my feet again...i sometimes hates myself so much, questioning myself, why am i not helping myself whereby people around me are doing their best to help me...maybe i was always protected, that is why, today, im not strong enough to stand by my own to get through this...i always had something to fall back and i always wanted to win...but this time, no matter how i wanted to win, theres nothing i can do to change the fact that i had lost the care, the trust, the love i had given to someone whom i truly wanna have...

this process of recovery is extremely painful and tiring...i do not know when i will fall to my knees once again and cry for help...but i will always remember words that everyone is telling me, I CAN DO THIS...i really wanna thank each and everyone of you guys who helped me soo much....way more than a normal friend would do...the care you guys gave me, is what i wished to have always...and now i have it...i have no reason to stop there and not moving forward because i know theres alot of people ahead of me, calling for my name....i will walk through this with a great story to tell and a great lesson to share...i love you guys...thank u so much...^^