a perfect world

a perfect world can be a world without war, a world without sufferings, a world without problems, a world without sadness...a perfect world to me is just that everything in my life goes the way i wanted to, everything in my life is at my grasp, my total control and prediction...well, this all doesnt exist do they?

back there i taught i was strong to take anything...but that was because i had everything i ever asked for...i never ever taught she held the key to everything i had back there...i lost her, and everything started to fall apart...days without her, at times, i just feel i had no direction towards where i am heading and everything in front of me seemed unpredictable and it is all so blur...it is true that after all those time i took to bring myself up once again, i am much much better but again, i really couldnt forget what happened, i just couldnt forget all those times and all those words...

i had been trying to avoid any shows, movies or drama related to love...today, so coincidentally, i watched one without knowing...theres this girl who never dated anyone before and she said she wanted a guy who would listen to whatever she says, but at the same time she would want to listen to the guy as well, she wanted a guy who listens and takes in and do whatever she asks him to do but at the same time she wanted the guy to plan things for her, she wanted to be a successful person in life, but at the same time she doesnt wanna work so hard but instead having the guy make her sucessful and give her a easy life...then my friend told me, hmmm, thats a hard guy to find...i viewed my story into it, i did more than that back there...much much more...theres also a scene where a girl were cheated by a guy, took away everything valuable that she had with her including her heart and she doesnt even have her clothes with her and she was walking on the street, i felt the pain deeply in my heart, back there, i had lost every every single thing, it is bad when your heart is broken but it is worse to have a heart so broken and your nothing but a living empty body....things that were important to me are not important anymore, things that i cared most doesnt matter to me anymore...

it is true that im the one making all the choices all these while...im the one who choose to feel sad, im the one who choose to stay behind, im the one who choose not to let go and theres no one to help me except myself...ppl often say that im stupid and stop acting noble or pretend to be loyal...and no one would believe that within 5 yrs, i would still keep my words but i guess no one would know me better than myself...i had started to pick up the pieces of my life that fell off but this, tonight? is just a piece of it that is going to be lost, forever...