what is it?

today, is just so tiring but i couldnt have felt more relieved...its the end of assessments and its not till the next two weeks where im bugged by exams....today is the birthday of my best college mate...my friend did so much for him to make him happy and he is happy...its all worth the time, effort and also the heart to do all this for him...to me....i used to wish for something like that...i want my day to be filled with all these surprises as well...but today, there might be people doing this for me...but to this point of time, something i used to wish for a very long time, doesnt seem to be as important anymore...maybe again, as human, our nature is where our desire is stronger towards something is hard to get and when things are easily obtained, we never really appreciate or treasure it...this year had impacted alot on me, especially the way i see things and the way i live my life...so many lessons i had been through so far within this year, but i have yet to see the results and the outcome of the lessons im going through....i wonder, when i get out of this, completely, what would it feel like? it is also that so many things happened this year, i tend to question the importance of birthdays among my friends....all this kind of events used to be an opportunity to plan something and make her happy but when it is all gone, what is left is just a hole within...and when this events or occasions comes to mind or happen around my clique of friends, it hurts me alot....today, if it wasnt because he is my best college mate, i wouldnt do this for him...i wouldnt even attend or bother to celebrate with him....because without him in college, i wouldnt have gone through all these and still standing...but when i was there with them, no one truly knows how much pain and how many flashes of the past i had, every flashes in my mind just cuts through my heart for a second, fully healed the next second and the cycle went on for the whole night....but yet i really wanna let him know that i truly treasure the friendship between the 3 of us...the time where we can have fun like this wont be much anymore but at least we enjoyed our times together....

people will definately think that im writing this out just to show that im noble and im being a good friend and brag about it...but the fact is that i just want him and her to know...i treasure our friendship more than anything and i hope it will last no matter what and with you guys around, my life was much much filled than ever before and theres so much fun even though theres the 3 of us...it is not seen on the outside, but it is definately felt on the inside...

it has been really really long dy since everything has passed...but till today, everything seems like it just happened yesterday...the feeling is still there, the pain is still so fresh... i couldnt understand why....people kept telling me time is essential to heal the pain...but the time i took just doesnt seem to have much effect on it...why? im starting to question why am i not letting go of the past where im still clinging on to it? is this true love? is this what love is all about? is this the care i had for her? is it the bond between us? do i really still love her like i do or like i said i do? is it just im hanging on because i couldnt admit that i lost her? am i hanging on to show people im loyal? am i pretending to be loyal subconsciously? i really have no idea....im starting to really ask myself, do i really really still loves her as much as i taught i do? again, the answer lies beneath the roots...i shall seek and find for it...