cure?

these few days during the holidays, i have been feeling extremely lonely...it wasnt because im too free of anything, but maybe i was out of attention...if had classes, i would be around with friends and at least, there were people to talk to me, people to share laughter with but not after the holidays have started...

since monday, my phone was never as busy as it was before...and since monday, for god knows how many times i tried to look at my phone, browsing my list of contacts, trying to find someone i could sms or call but i can find none...each time i put the phone back down, i so wished that it would rang the next second, but it never happened...

people kept telling me that there i really should let go, i must stop roaming in the past, i must walk out of the circle no matter how hard it is...and we have to go through pain to be fully cured...but i really have no idea of how much pain i had gone through, yet, im still stucked there, moving nowhere...i am so tired of forcing myself and pushing myself further to the limit...whats the use of pushing myself where in the end, i came back to where i started...from now on, i will not force myself anymore, i wont try my best to walk out of this, i will just let things be as it is, if i were to continue being trapped in the past, so be it, if i were to really walk out of this and being able to put down things, then i would be happy to start all over again...

im missing her so much...but how would she know? im still struggling here, how would she know about this? im starting to feel that the reason that she is not replying my mails might be because she doesnt wanna hurt me anymore, but then, how would she know that what she is doing is hurting me less if not more?